So one day when I was perusing the ole Facial Book (why do I still do it? Although without…I wouldn’t have found out about this serious disorder, so FB is good for something), I found that someone had posted about something called “Resting Bitch Face.”
Guys…for serious, this is a real thing! I’m NOT FUCKING JOKING!! I have this! It’s a true disorder! It’s when your face just looks like a bitch when it’s just sitting there normally. I can remember when I was younger that people would often ask if I was upset or pissy but I wasn’t! I had NO IDEA what they were talking about! It wasn’t until later that I realized that my face looks bitchy! She’s a bitch! She will glare you into submission when I’m not even cranky or pissy. She will bitch slap you even before I get angry. It’s a REAL PROBLEM!! It makes people hate me!
For example at one of my part time jobs at a grocery store I was working in the front end for a few months when finally I decided to go into their customer service area. The girls there DID NOT WANT ME because they thought I was a total bitch and it was all HER fault, my goddamned RESTING BITCH FACE! She makes me look unapproachable and terrible and cranky! I learned about all this judging of my bitch-face after the fact once I got to know the girls in the customer service area and they finally admitted that they thought I was a bitch, because when I’m not smiling, I do look like a certified card carrying rip-your-head-off, scream in yo’ face, slap you silly, judging you like crazy, totally better’n’you fuckin’ bitch. (BTW obviously after they got to know me (like after the FIRST time working with me, they learned that I’m the awesomest ever and also super sly sarcastic and kind of funny and cool. Not to toot my own horn or nothing…)
So yes, it’s a real problem. RBFS makes it really hard to make a good first impression if you’re just sitting there minding your own goddamned business. Unless you forcably put on a damn smile, people will look at you and think…GOOD LORD LOOK AT THAT BITCH!! She thinks she sooo cool. She thinks she better than everyone. She thinks she can glare at us. BTW…I do have a killer glare. I’m like Medusa, minus the snakes. I used to shoot snake eyes at this guy I used to work with and he’d quake in his boots! It’s a good thing I don’t post too many photos of my face on this here blog or else you’d be terrified and stop coming back because this blog would become known as that bitch-face-selfie-blog. And who wants that? With words I can paint whatever picture I want. Bitch or no. Although it seems that I do lean toward bitch much of the time…hmm…what am I learning here? Is resting bitch face just a reflection of what is on the inside?!!
Secondly, I have to thank FB for this too. I totally want this T-shirt from the Big Lebowski.
Let me just say here that Walter Sobchuk is a dope dope guy. I love how he tells Donnie to Shut the Fuck Up constantly but then sometimes listens to him and then starts a conversation. I like how he throws his “ringer” out the window of a moving car and says it’s his “whites.” It’s just tooo good. Nevermind fighting a stranger in the alps. OH WALTER!!
CALMER THAN YOU ARE!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! BEAT THAT FUCKER!!!
It’s like a challenge, “Calmer than you!!” and I love it when Walter says it to the Dude, because the Dude is freaking out! Truth though is that I’m never calmer than anyone. I’m usually fired up. Although sometimes I’m tired and cranky so then maybe I’m calmer. Maybe. Maybe when I’m sleeping I’m calmer.
Also…RESTING BITCH FACE means I might be a real bitch!! One day you’re gonna come to this blog and find that it’s just pictures of me sitting there sullenly glaring like a pro and you’ll run away because you’ll think I can reach right through your computer and slap your face off. And maybe I can. People in real life know not to mess with me when I’ve got my bitch face on. You just leave the room. Walk away. Leave the bitch alone. You don’t poke at the bitch, you don’t talk to her, you don’t try to ask her to do anything unless you want your head bitten off.
Also I know people don’t like the word Bitch, but I kind of like it. It’s got a nice ring. I particularly like the -tch sound. It’s just so hard and tee sounding. It sounds kind of strong…kind of mean…kind of fucking serious. You don’t mess with a bitch. You just don’t. I kind of like owning it…like yeah…I’m a bitch! I’m not soft and fuzzy and cuddly and girly. I’m a fucking hardcore b-i-t-c-h. I stand up for myself. I’m strong. I look like I can take care of myself. You would NEVER offer to carry a Professional Resting Bitch Face’s luggage at the airport. No way. You’d be too afraid. She can HURT YOU. It’s either your feelings or you body. You’d better WATCH IT!!
This post is really coming off rather bitchy of me, isn’t it? I guess there’s no denying the truth. If Angst (the blog) is anything at all, it’s a place where I come clean about the dirty truths in my life. So I accept, not only do I have RBFS but I’m also just a bitch. A nice one.