Facebook drives me to drink. I’m not sure why I keep going back, but for some reason I do. This morning I was feeling a rant coming on regarding the ole FB and I thought, well shit, better make that into a ranting blog post to relieve the pressure inside your head. We don’t want an explosion in the office. That wouldn’t be proper and who would clean up the mess?
Also, just so you know ahead of time, there has been a vote and I have been named President of Facebook, for all time. Actually I am a dictator or empress. In an effort to be transparent, I was the only one who voted. It was a committee of one and obviously I beat out the competition.
The number one, top reason why Facebook is obnoxious is the humble braggers. BTW…I never use that term, but it does seem appropriate for the annoying people on the Facial Book. (Or Friend Face as the IT Crowd calls it or Space Book).
So when I check my feed all I see is people telling me all the wonderful things that are happening in their lives. Maybe it’s a reflection on me that this absolutely drives me crazy. Jealousy? Envy? Maybe. But also, it’s just obnoxious to hear how amazing everyone’s life is all the time. Plus you know that half the time, they are just saying that to make themselves feel better and make other people envious (because envy is like coin to these folk), even though truthfully there’s nothing to be envious of. Also, why is it that if you’ve had a bad day or something bad has happened, those assholes are right there to rub your face in the fact that their lives are awesome. Here are some examples:
I just got a promotion! OMG!! So excited! More money, a great team. Life is soooo wonderful!! Squee!!! [I added that last squee bit, it's not actually accurate. Also this pronouncement comes just 6 months after they got a previous promotion that they bragged about on FB. Really? REALLY??]
Or this one that drove me nuts:
I didn’t sleep a wink last night cause of this cold I’ve got. Guess I’ll be working from home today! [Really? Most of us don't have this luxury, thanks for letting us know that even though something bad dared to happen to you in your beautiful perfect life, you can fix it all right up with the fact that you have the benefit to work from home. Aww...all is well in the world! You can stay in your jammies all day long! Meanwhile the rest of us schmucks who slept like shit, have to get up, slather our faces with make up to look mildly human and not zombie-esque and go to work. Just keep that shit to thyself. It's that easy! Follow the honor code and you cannot go wrong. or misstep.]
Or just the fact that people brag about where they live or what they are doing or what they are eating or how amazing their children are or just plain old saying,
Life is so great! Everything is amazing!
OMG…Township XYZ is the most amazing place to live. I am blessed!
Look at little Jimmy, he’s so advanced!
Seriously? Even when things are going relatively well for me, it’s never good enough to post that kind of shit to the Facial Book. I feel like as soon as I posted something that annoying and braggy, fiery thunder and lightning would erupt from the sky and electrocute me to put me back into my place. Bragging should definitely lead to pain and suffering. However, it doesn’t. Because those same people are still saying that their lives are amazing and great and loving and positive and fun! OH MY!! Where the hell is the fiery lightning? Is there no justice in this world? For once I want to see a brag-post and then directly after a post that says...AHHH I’ve been struck by brag-lightning! The brag police are at my door and are threatening arrest, we’re in a standoff to the death! Whatever.
Things that are allowed on Facebook, if you must:
- Mild bragging, limit one per quarter year (If you don’t follow the limit you will be struck dumb by the braggy lightning. I hope. or you can possibly win a voucher in the braggy raffle for additional brags if your life is just so amazing you must share!) Also obnoxious bragging is never allowed. EVER!
- Photos of your food, children, pets, selfies in onesies (I wish this would happen. Adult onesies are hot fashion, body suits are a close second place), random photos of puppies and kittens and or rainbows etc, limit one per month. (Stop filling up my feed! Unless you plan to make that food for me and let me play with your pet and buy me a onesie)
- Posts that update people on what you are doing or a project. If it’s something cool, it’s allowed at ONCE PER WEEK (project management told me this is sufficient for a project update). That’s a strict limit. Red Hot pokers say so. Why isn’t there an app for that?
- Funny shit, such as videos of goats frollicking, or cats biting dogs or any other post that is funny, 100% allowed all the time.
- Political bullshit. Never allowed. EVER. If we don’t talk about it in person, I don’t want to see if on your Facial Book page!
- Inspirational quotes are allowed. Limit 2 per day.
- Any photo or meme that talks about wine or cats or Chuck Norris, or makes fun or light is encouraged. You will be rewarded by hearing the screams of the braggarts in concert with the fiery thunder-lightning and red hot poker jabs.
- Selfies that are funny are always allowed. Like putting straws in your mouth like walrus teeth. Do it up!
- Posting about things that annoy you or posting a straight up rant, obviously is cool. However if it goes on too long, move it to the blog. Take my example to heart. I’m such a role model! Also if you post depressing shit all the time, that is almost as bad as the braggarts. Almost. But I might allow it. (I AM THE GOD OF FACEBOOK!!! HEAR ME ROAR!!) ;)
- Beautiful nature photos, always allowed, no limit!
- Thanking people, expressing gratitude, always allowed.
- Giving love to people, i.e. your friends or lovah or family. No limit! Unless you get too gushy all the time and are using it as a form of bragging about how awesome your life is. If that’s the case, STRICT limit of one per fortnight (ahaha).
- Fun party photos. Also a fortnight limit. One album per. If you exceed your limit you are a drunkard and a fool. If you meet your limit, you are a party animal and thus cool.
- Constant travel or vacation photos. NO. NO!!!! Once per quarter is the absolute best I can do for you. Stop trying to bargain!! If you go on vacation more than 4 times per year, you sir are no friend of mine. Stop enjoying life! You BASTARD! I don’t want to see the view from your 31st floor hotel room in Paris or Rome or Bermuda or whatever. And don’t tell me how “high end” it is. I do however, want to see a photo of all the mini bottles you shot gunned from the very expensive mini-bar. Mini, being the key word.
- Throw back photos. Always allowed. I love seeing people in 90′s or 80′s fashion on the FB. So, no limit, unless they are photos of you modeling or something. If that’s the case, shove it!
- Smiling family photos or awkward photos, allowed. Once per week, if you must. And by if you must, I mean if someone is holding a gun to your head.
- Total posts per day, you have to hold it at 4 per day, max. Seriously if I hear from you more than 4 times per day, I may lose my mind. Also don’t you have some “real life” to live? No? Yes? Please!! You are not a robot who only lives online!! I know it! I’ve seen you in person before! Also if you post more than that, your life is forfeit and or you will be banished to Twitter for the rest of your days. Where you will live them out by posting exactly 23 times per day about your misery and outlawed status.
- Quit pretending you actually remember people’s birthdays! You only know it’s someone b-day because the Facial Book popped up and said so. Once I noticed that no one loved me on my birthday and I got pissy, What the Hell? How can I live without FB approval? But then I realized that I hadn’t entered my birthday to FB and consequently no one knew it was my birthday. Jerks.
- If you constantly ignore people’s comments on your page that is a breach of social etiquette (Bitch please!). Particularly if we KNOW you’ve been on because we’ve seen you post 10 photos of your self working out and your cat laying around. Not acceptable.
- You will be given the “cut direct” if you post anything about money, ever. Just say no! Like that raise you got above. Shut…it.
- If you are posting life tips or health tips or talking about mental health or general health or exercise, it’s mostly allowed. Unless there is secret stealth bragging involved. In which case, there will be finger pointing. We can see right through you!!! You are transparent!! NAKED!!
- Posting about sports. Boring. Moving on.
- Highly photoshopped or “filtered” photos are dumb. We can tell that it’s just blurred enough to make you look beautiful. We may seem stupid, we ain’t. Remember how we’ve seen you in person before? Yup.
And….I’ve got to stop, I’m exhausted. So…tired, can’t go on, everything is going dim. Facebook is exhausting, policing it is even more exhausting. BTW…who made me god? Oh yeah…I did. Notice the humble brag there?
All I have to say is this: Just use common sense when posting to Facebook. Use protection, be wise, be funny but don’t brag. No one likes bragging. I mean…no one. NOT ONE PERSON. We all hate it, so stop making us hate each other Facebook Braggarts! And don’t think you’re getting off easy Facebook, put away the smile, I blame you too! I thought your purpose was love and light and advertisements and pay to promote? But no! Your purpose is for people to post braggy content to the masses so that they can feel good about themselves by hoping that they have elicited envy. It’s pathetic!
Why are the free braggy pages the ones that I see every day? Is there a way to block bragging? Someone create a bragging block. If it sounds too braggy, there will be an error when you try to post. “We’re sorry, this post will enrage too many people, we can’t allow you to continue in this braggy vein.”
Ahhh…peace and serenity on FB! Ahhh…just humor and kittens scratching dogs! Or I guess I could just stop going to Facebook. Hmmm….
My friends, your Facial Book destiny (and real life one) is in your own hands. Use it wisely. And remember, Keep it To Thyself. It’s the golden rule. HAHAHAHA!!! OMG…do I ever keep it to myself? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Hilarious. However I didn’t force your eyes to read this like the Facial Book forces your eyes to bleed from an over abundance of bragging. So technically you can’t blame me. I AM THE BLAMELESS PARTY!!
Good Day Sir!