Sarcasm Central

ANGST – A Novel

I. Am. Crazy.

I’ve known this exquisite truth for years, since I was 8 years old.  That’s 10 years living with The Fear; the crazy, tense, jittery body, the terrible churning stomach, the mind destroying obsessive anxiety that rules my everyday life.  And I’ve hidden it from everyone; I have to, I can’t let them know I’m insane.

My current obstacle is college, a boring endless round of papers and tests, made almost bearable by the release that comes with drunken nights when I can pretend I’m not me, when I can drink myself into a sexy, confident stranger who can escape her everyday hell. But there’s a price for this escape.  Isn’t there always a price for getting what you want?

You might say that I’m self-destructive, one step away from disaster at every moment.  I party too hard, I drink too much, I drive when I shouldn’t, I lose my virginity in a one night stand, I contract an STD, I fall in love and get my heart crushed. And none of this makes my anxiety go away.

And then the price must be paid; my anxiety will exact its coin in flesh – with a loaded handgun in my parents’ basement.  The fact is, I haven’t been able to leave the house for a month for anything other than work. I’ve retreated so far into myself, into my crazy mind, that I think I will disappear. And I want to disappear, so badly, because I’m terrified of everything.  I want to die.  I need to end this, to slip into the warm, quiet blackness of death.

And while I’m lying there, sobbing, trying to decide what to do, he calls. After we hang up, I make a choice.

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

22 Comments on ANGST – A Novel

  1. Hello,
    I am truly sorry for your pain, and I understand the wish to end the misery by dying. When I woke up from brain surgery I was angry at God. Angry that He did not take me home. the idea of recovery was overwhelming. The thing is this: I believe God isn’t finished with me yet…. and He isn’t finished with you either. You still have things to do.

    I like this quote:
    ” You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

    I have an encouragement blog you might to visit some time….


    • Hi Cheryl, thanks for your kind words! Don’t worry, I am not on the verge of suicide right now. This blog is about my book that I hope to publish within the next few months. The book is based upon my experience as a freshmen in college when I did want to end my own life. My hope is that I can share my experience with others and thereby help people who are suffering from anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I made a lot of mistakes back then and I’ve learned so much from them and I know life is worth living! It’s great to hear from you. Thanks!


  2. U have a awesome blog over here. I just wanna say thanks for all the interesting stuff on it. I’ll follow your site if you keep up the good work!


  3. I found You via, amazing story and you’re so goddamn beautiful. I like Angst because without it, we’d all be dead by now. It’s just a choice of choosing how you handle it. I’m in pretty deep now. Love and hate it at the same time.
    Oh and update more because this is a shame or tell me where I can find your book at least…


  4. Gosh this book seems so good! I found you through Book Blogs, but unfortunately right now I don’t have time to sit at the computer long enough to read (moving, and 8 months pregnant) But I will say that this book should be a great buy! Ahh I hope you get it in print soon 🙂


    • Thanks for stopping by! I am actually working on the print book as I write. I just need to review it to make sure it’s all good, but I would hope my book will be available in paperback in a week or two. I hope you’ll check it out then although it sounds like you’ve got a lot on your hands right now! Stay tuned… 🙂


      • You’re welcome! OoOo! If you need a review for print just let me know. I read at night when I am finally resting 😉 Life is busy, but I can never go a day without reading something. I will definitely stay tuned, and I followed you 🙂


        • That would be amazing if you’d do a review for the print book. I’m working through Createspace and just had some feedback from them, so now a few more tweaks and then hopefully I’ll be on my way. I was actually ignoring writing and working on anything yesterday in favor of reading all day! It’s a passion of mine too and one I can’t easily say no to! 🙂


  5. Hi Victoria. Thanks for your comments on my book – yours looks immense! I wouldn’t have considered reading the book at a glance but your excerpt is excellent so let me know if you would like a review.I am in the middle of one indie title with a promised review at the moment but should be able to “deliver” in about 2 weeks 🙂


    • Hey Dawn, thanks for checking my book out! And thanks for liking my excerpt! Now all I need to know is how to get my book to you. Do you have an ereader that can accept .mobi files? I can gift you a copy from Amazon. Lemme know… Thank you! I would definitely love a review. Email me if you’d like:


  6. I have suffered from depression on and off for a long time now, and I tried to take my life (to the absolute horror and anger of my family) nearly 18 months ago . . . .every day is different, and some easy, but my children are always that buffer that help me from self-harming etc (usually) but then life is up and down. I am a new follower from Book Blogs . . my link is if you’d like to follow back xx
    Kirsty @ All in One Place


2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. My first book in ages « The struggle that I call ME
  2. What Kind of Strange Godforsaken Place is This? | Angst

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