Sarcasm Central

Angst Journal Entry – Anti-Beauty Queen

Questions, insults, denial, shame
Thoughts crowding my mind
I begin to cry, messing up my face
Tears sluicing, fraught with self hatred
My every hour seems devoid of hope, devoid of you

I can see their glossy unseeing faces now
Surrounding me, engulfing me
Squeezing me, strangling me
I can’t breathe

 I have become useless, strung out
Slumped before the mirror
Critical, hysterical
Tears crashing to earth on magazine pages

 I calculate, analyze, scrutinize
Physical despair
I am not a beauty queen

 I need to know
Why you stare at the wall, while here I stand before you, naked?
Exposed, revealed,
Craving approval

 Stripped, dirty and scarred

 I want to find myself deep within you
I want you to tell me the words I long to hear
The ones so right, they make me weep

  Silence, deathly

 And around me, covering me
My whole life splayed out on the floor
A mess, dirty clothes, wrinkled papers, stains

 Am I not beautiful?

 Uncomprehending eyes are sightless
Blind, you do not see me
Swerve to avoid, retreat
Sickened, repulsed

Rejection, destruction
My reflection quivers

Livid fists smash
Glass breaks, slivers


I can never be just me anymore
Me is never enough

Pressure, collapse,

The magazines, they mock me
My tears wrinkling slick pages

I will always be a face full of tears
of wracking sobs
I am my own self destruction
Tearing me apart at my emotional seams

And on my head they’ll place that crown
The anti-beauty queen

Related Post:  Empty Physical Promises


About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

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