Angst Journal Entry – Anti-Beauty Queen
Questions, insults, denial, shame
Thoughts crowding my mind
I begin to cry, messing up my face
Tears sluicing, fraught with self hatred
My every hour seems devoid of hope, devoid of you
I can see their glossy unseeing faces now
Surrounding me, engulfing me
Squeezing me, strangling me
I can’t breathe
I have become useless, strung out
Slumped before the mirror
Critical, hysterical
Tears crashing to earth on magazine pages
I calculate, analyze, scrutinize
Physical despair
I am not a beauty queen
I need to know
Why you stare at the wall, while here I stand before you, naked?
Exposed, revealed,
Craving approval
Stripped, dirty and scarred
I want to find myself deep within you
I want you to tell me the words I long to hear
The ones so right, they make me weep
Silence, deathly
And around me, covering me
My whole life splayed out on the floor
A mess, dirty clothes, wrinkled papers, stains
Am I not beautiful?
Uncomprehending eyes are sightless
Blind, you do not see me
Swerve to avoid, retreat
Sickened, repulsed
Rejection, destruction
My reflection quivers
Livid fists smash
Glass breaks, slivers
Insecurity
I can never be just me anymore
Me is never enough
Pressure, collapse,
Comparison
The magazines, they mock me
My tears wrinkling slick pages
I will always be a face full of tears
of wracking sobs
I am my own self destruction
Tearing me apart at my emotional seams
And on my head they’ll place that crown
The anti-beauty queen
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