Sarcasm Central

Bitchy Bitchfest with a Professional

 Step into my office, I glare at you and you learn to like it

Step into my office, I glare at you and you learn to like it

I feel like I should rant about something

I like ranting generally speaking

It’s pretty fun

But I can’t think of a rant.  I’m too tired.

My throat kind of hurts

My eyes are stingy from hunching over staring at a computer screen all day.

Work is bullshit

So I’m too tired to rant.  I want to rant about something funny….

I need some new material, some new topic something to get excited about.  I feel dull, boring, without an opinion to stand on.  Maybe I can attempt to get out some kind of half-hearted, pathetic, not really into it rant…

Maybe I should rant about people with perfect lives. People who have it so “easy”

Realistically does such a thing exist?

I know from my limited and extremely judgmental perspective it does

But really, does it?  Of course it’s impossible for me to know what really goes on in someone’s life…but there must be, according to the law of odds, some people who are lucky and have blessed lives and those that are totally screwed and will forever be unhappy

I am one of these people.  The screwed, totally unhappy person that is…

I know…I seem all happy, nicey-nice, but I’m not.

I’m grouchy, moody, bitchy, ungrateful, depressed, frustrated, and generally annoyed with life

I don’t think the blessed people appreciate how few problems they really have

I’m sure it comes down to “attitude”

Those with the shitty attitude, like me, get the shit end of the stick

While those with the sunny, happy, positive, sicky-sweet attitude get all the good stuff

Lucky bastards…

So essentially this means that I am screwing myself out of the “good” stuff in life because I’m such a pessimistic asshole

But really, could I stand to be one of those annoying positive people all the time?

Don’t I frown on them?  Shit on them?  Make fun of them for kicks?

Yes I do.

However those fuckers are laughing all the way to the bank.  I mean…all the way, cashing in their awesome life checks….

Meanwhile I’m griping about whatever….

Hmmm….but negativity is fun

That’s what I’d argue

It’s more fun to be drama filled, over emotional and truly just miserable all the time

Isn’t that better?

Isn’t that the “spice” of life, the “good stuff”

To be a bitchy bitch, bitchin about something or other.

What else would I write about?  I mean really….

No one wants to read anything about someone with a perfect life who always gets exactly what they want

That shit would not sell

People want to read about misery about wading and potentially drowning in the muck of your shitty life

(Honestly my life is probably kind of decent…but that is totally not from MY perspective and that ruins the sales pitch)

I think that’s about right.  That’s probably an accurate description of me…

I have some good shit going on for the most part…

But I can’t be happy…

I must be misery itself, the most down and out, glass half empty, loser

It’s who I am.  I don’t think I can change Ms. Shitty Attitude into Ms. Positive Thinker

See…there I am being negative again

Can I get paid for this???

I’m quite good at negativity

Tell me that there is a 50/50 chance of something good happening and I’ll bet on the terrible happening every time…

Well…see…I might pass my test, there’s a 50/50 chance…

Well….if only 50 percent of people pass, you shouldn’t feel so bad if you totally BOMB because 50% of assholes BOMBED with you…see!  That was kinda positive right?

Wrong..

But…it’s the right attitude to have, it’s no good to get too hopped up on good feelings

Good feelings are disgusting and cringeworthy.  I hate good feelings…

Right?  Right?  You know I’m right…so come wallow with me in the shallow clammy bitchy bitch pool of bitchin….

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About Victoria Sawyer (281 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on Bitchy Bitchfest with a Professional

  1. Yay ranting! But, you know there are other ways to vent your frustration that I may or may not have mentioned to you in the latest email! 😉 (Btw, I like your blog’s new look.) ❤

    Like

    • Thanks! Someone finally told me…I can’t read this blog for shit! And it’s true and I had just been ignoring it for a while because I liked the black/black look. So I finally decided to change it up for something readable. The only problem is that this theme makes me think everything I write has to be beautiful poetry about flowers and shit. So it feels strange to write a bitchfest when it looks so….professional. hahaha.

      Like

2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. The Truth About My Friend Alcohol | Angst
  2. Ending the Continuous State of Beautiful Glorious Addictive Wretchedness | Angst

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