Sarcasm Central

An Emailing Machine That Dispenses…Emails!


My mastery of the Paint program from 2005. Yeaaa boyeeeee!

As a warning, you are totally going to think that I’ve lost my mind with this post.  And I have!  But I lost it a long time ago, alas.

As some of you may know, and most of you don’t, I’m a prolific email correspondent.  I email like nobody’s business!  I can write a novel to you in no time flat!  So, since I love email so much and the casualness of it, I thought I’d start a mailing list with you guys in the hopes that you’ll allow me to bombard your email inbox now and then with some crazy-ass shit.  Seriously my emails are kind of hilarity.  Well…maybe that’s just me assuming that.  They are probably totally boring.  But if you want to be bored and or not bored, sign up!  It will be crazy, I can definitely assure you of that and I’ll probably get more personal in them than I am on the blog (is this even possible?? Have I not already shared it all??).  And this isn’t a one sided thing…this is like…communication, OH MY GOD.

Yup. I think I could honestly spend all my time emailing.  If only I could get paid to be a professional email correspondent.  The one who finds a way to do this will be a freaking genius.

And MAYBE just maybe our email correspondence will one day be worthy of being published on a blog somewhere!  EEEEE!!  I know.  (as an aside, this post is definitely one of those over tired, hyperactive, I shouldn’t post this but I’m doing it anyway cause I don’t give a shit..posts.  Opps.  Apology submitted for your review ahead of time…)

For fun, here’s an example email from me to a friend in ’05  (this is not what I’m going to send you!  But it gives an idea of how far out things could get…) Oh and don’t ask me why but we had this thing about clams and skunks at the time.  We joked about them (???).  Oh and Monty was a decrepit old dog (a show dog with papers, yes, but alas retired). My friends and I are weird to say the least and the attachment was a totally sweet artist rendition I did in the paint program.  Yeaaa boyyyyeeeeee!!  Seriously if you want more later I can try to revitalize some of this insanity for more posts…although I think it makes me look like the craziest person ever, in a good way.  Yes.

To: Brian
From:  Victoria
Subject: Clam-Isle

Brian…. Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started at this tropic port, aboard this tiny shit.  The Brian-afer  was a mighty sailing man, the Bosco brave and true, they started from this tropic port about the time of two…. for a three hour tour, a three hour tour.

The ocean started getting rough the tiny shit was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost.  The Minnow would be lost.  The ship set ground on the beach of this uncharted Desert clam isle, with Bosco, the Brian-afer too, the Joshifer and his wife….the Wicked one, the Greg and Monty-anne here on Bosco’s Clam Isle!!!  Brian….you are clearly amused right now! haha!! @#$K%()%(% bing bong!!

Did you know that we were all marooned on a desert isle.  And that you ate Clams for breakfast lunch and dinner?  Brian… did you realize that you are a mighty sailing man and that Bosco is (?????) Brave and True?  YEAH RIGHT!!!  Monty-anne is apparently the sexy girl next door (or should it be Sandra-anne??) and I’m the movie STAR!!! Greg is obviously the professor and Josh and Melissa are the Millionaire and his wife.  Although I can see Melissa being a millionaire, I’m not quite so sure about Josh filling the shoes of Thurston Powell III.

Brian…I think you are completely foolish and redundant.  And I think Bosco is a piece of repeating bullshiz.  Keep in mind that now that you have made the horrific claim that I love Bosco, I will have to broaden my thrashing to yourself, and Joshifer.  It is your punishment for thinking up something so truly sick and twisted.

Also, I will have to beat Monty B.  myself with Greg’s tool belt for good measure.  Brian…..did you know that you were the one that shared a Hut with Bosco and that he had top hammock?  Did you know that GULP…Monty-anne and I shared a hut, I think I’d rather share with Sandra-anne.  Then there’s Greg in his own hut, cause he stinks.  Did you know that Bosco wears a coconut bra and that he pedals the bike for the shower?  or that Greg can make a radio out of coconuts and clam shells? Brian… you should check out the attachment as it is the sweetest thing that you EVER did see.  And when your done with that you ought to BEAT IT!!!! BEAT IT BEAT IT!!!



About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

10 Comments on An Emailing Machine That Dispenses…Emails!

  1. Ok that was quite the email!!! Now would be interesting to sign up for this email mailing list! To sign up do we fill out the above form?? Really would like to see your emails, be interesting to see what you will say!! And maybe I can answer you! Be for warned sometimes I too start writing and it gets away from me!! And if I get preachy just yell at me LOL!!!


  2. Save your e-mails. This way, when you die, the estate of Victoria Sawyer will publish “The Letters of Victoria Sawyer.” It’ll be massive, trust me. Everyone will read it. Everyone will think, “Holy shit, Victoria was really bat-shit crazy.”


    • That’s awesome. My posthumous epistles won’t be serious, deep writing like so many great authors, they will be insane ravings of a malcontent. I love it. I can’t wait to die just so I can see this shit pan out. Oh wait….


2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. I Call Shenanigans!!! | Angst
  2. What Kind of Strange Godforsaken Place is This? | Angst

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