Sarcasm Central

I’ll Have The Prescribed Sanity

Hey Kids, wanna be sane?  All the cool kids are doing it!

Hey Kids, wanna be sane? All the cool kids are doing it!

“Adulthood the creativity killer.  We have benefits not imaginations.  No unusual drugs, certainly nothing illegal, just prescribed sanity.  Prescribed loss of creativity.  A fabulous side effect of my non-panicked life.”

This is a quote from a few years ago.  I found it in a journal the other day while searching for some inspiration for the next installment of Angst.  This was written while I was on meds for my anxiety, and I wrote this because I had found that I had lost this crazy part of myself.  For 8 years I was, somewhat the same, but in many ways a different person.  Slowly but surely I put down the art supplies, stepped away from the journal, I no longer had my mini moments of mania and depression, I was…flat-lining.  Boring.  Staid.  Insipid.  I found another entry where I wrote, “I’m almost used to this person now, this person who does not write, does not paint, does not draw.”  I was slowly losing myself, it was if I knew that before I had been different, but it had been so long since I had been her, I forgot what it was like, almost.

And finally after years I came back to life.  At first being the “real” me again was somewhat of a challenge because I’m so freaking emotional.  I’m hyperactive, depressed, panicked, anxious, creative and I have far too many thoughts and worries inside this old head of mine.  But you know what, being awake like this, being me is so much better than being that flat lined person.  I really felt like I was prescribed sanity.  I was so sane that I was boring.  And that my friends, is totally uninteresting, totally life sucking for a creative person.

So now, I’m back.  I’m me, fabulous, crazy, maybe a little manic now and then, but I’m all me and I love it.  Here’s the only other thing…I’m a published “author” now.  So does this mean that I need to be adult, to be professional at all times, to kill the crazy inside me so that I can look like I know what I’m doing or talking about? I chatted about this with a friend recently and I fear that I may have turned her off with my reply to what kind of “brand” I want to be.  The honest truth is that the idea of being only one thing or being the same all the time scares me, it got me all on edge, it upset me.  I honestly felt like…if I have to choose exactly what I am or what I present to the world in a concrete way and stick with it, I feel like I will be stifled, I feel like I won’t want to do this anymore.  Maybe it reminds me of that time when I was…less than fully me.  I don’t think she meant to tell me that I must be one thing or I can’t be many things, but as I was thinking about it, I was imagining the staid “author” that untouchable person, arms crossed in promotional photos, looking very professional, and I thought, I can’t be that.  I’m not cut out for it!  I want to be hands on, I want to be crazy at will, I want to post what I want when I want and if that means I’ll be less commercially successful, so be it.

Now this friend of mine, I have to apologize to because I fear my anxiety came out in my email back to her and maybe what I said was borderline offensive.  I didn’t mean to be and I don’t mean to tell anyone else how to present themselves to the world, but I think honestly I was in a sort of panic!  I thought, I’m doing this all wrong, I’m gonna fail!  But God help me, I don’t want to be right!  She sent me another article afterward and the truth is, be yourself.  I don’t think I can be anything but myself and yea… I might be confusing, I might be seemingly random, but I am me, as honest as I can be.

So…three lessons to learn here kids, one is don’t take the meds in the little plastic cup (spit them out when no one is looking 😉 ), two, don’t make your dear amazing email friends mad by writing an email that could be taken the wrong way and three, be yo’self!

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

5 Comments on I’ll Have The Prescribed Sanity

  1. I know exactly how you feel about the meds taking your creativity away! I only take meds for my depression, not my panic disorder, but I used to take anti-anxiety medications. They really suck the life out of you. I felt like a zombie when I took them! I agree. I would much rather be a little crazy than flat-lined.

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    • You know…it’s nice to know that someone else feels this way too because I always thought maybe it was just me. Yes, I felt zombie-like too. A Doc recently was trying to convince me to go back on meds because I guess that’s what they do and I told her, it’s a choice for me to be med-free. Yes some aspects of my life are harder, but I couldn’t stand to lose me again behind the drugs. So…yeah, I’m a bit more restricted, but…I’ll deal with it.

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      • Yeah, I always felt like I was losing a bit of myself when I was super medicated. I didn’t feel like anything that I felt was real. It was all just chemically-induced.

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  2. The pressures of modern society are causing all kinds of illness. And the hard the concepts of “sameness” and “mediocrity” are pushed, the more people are going to try to break free. I admire you for embracing your true self. 🙂

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2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. When Life Gives You Shit, You Give it Hell | Angst
  2. Anxiety Resources | Angst Anarchy

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