“Adulthood the creativity killer. We have benefits not imaginations. No unusual drugs, certainly nothing illegal, just prescribed sanity. Prescribed loss of creativity. A fabulous side effect of my non-panicked life.”
This is a quote from a few years ago. I found it in a journal the other day while searching for some inspiration for the next installment of Angst. This was written while I was on meds for my anxiety, and I wrote this because I had found that I had lost this crazy part of myself. For 8 years I was, somewhat the same, but in many ways a different person. Slowly but surely I put down the art supplies, stepped away from the journal, I no longer had my mini moments of mania and depression, I was…flat-lining. Boring. Staid. Insipid. I found another entry where I wrote, “I’m almost used to this person now, this person who does not write, does not paint, does not draw.” I was slowly losing myself, it was if I knew that before I had been different, but it had been so long since I had been her, I forgot what it was like, almost.
And finally after years I came back to life. At first being the “real” me again was somewhat of a challenge because I’m so freaking emotional. I’m hyperactive, depressed, panicked, anxious, creative and I have far too many thoughts and worries inside this old head of mine. But you know what, being awake like this, being me is so much better than being that flat lined person. I really felt like I was prescribed sanity. I was so sane that I was boring. And that my friends, is totally uninteresting, totally life sucking for a creative person.
So now, I’m back. I’m me, fabulous, crazy, maybe a little manic now and then, but I’m all me and I love it. Here’s the only other thing…I’m a published “author” now. So does this mean that I need to be adult, to be professional at all times, to kill the crazy inside me so that I can look like I know what I’m doing or talking about? I chatted about this with a friend recently and I fear that I may have turned her off with my reply to what kind of “brand” I want to be. The honest truth is that the idea of being only one thing or being the same all the time scares me, it got me all on edge, it upset me. I honestly felt like…if I have to choose exactly what I am or what I present to the world in a concrete way and stick with it, I feel like I will be stifled, I feel like I won’t want to do this anymore. Maybe it reminds me of that time when I was…less than fully me. I don’t think she meant to tell me that I must be one thing or I can’t be many things, but as I was thinking about it, I was imagining the staid “author” that untouchable person, arms crossed in promotional photos, looking very professional, and I thought, I can’t be that. I’m not cut out for it! I want to be hands on, I want to be crazy at will, I want to post what I want when I want and if that means I’ll be less commercially successful, so be it.
Now this friend of mine, I have to apologize to because I fear my anxiety came out in my email back to her and maybe what I said was borderline offensive. I didn’t mean to be and I don’t mean to tell anyone else how to present themselves to the world, but I think honestly I was in a sort of panic! I thought, I’m doing this all wrong, I’m gonna fail! But God help me, I don’t want to be right! She sent me another article afterward and the truth is, be yourself. I don’t think I can be anything but myself and yea… I might be confusing, I might be seemingly random, but I am me, as honest as I can be.
So…three lessons to learn here kids, one is don’t take the meds in the little plastic cup (spit them out when no one is looking 😉 ), two, don’t make your dear amazing email friends mad by writing an email that could be taken the wrong way and three, be yo’self!