Sarcasm Central

A Crazy Sexy Cool Snapshot of Me

Let’s be honest with each other right now.  This is sort of a secret blog.  People in my “real” life don’t know about it.  I’m trying however to come out of the writing closet and I recently told one of my cousins about what I’m doing.  Sort of.  I was vague as all hell, but I kind of told her.  And I even called it coming out of the writing closet.  I think she was underwhelmed because she’s a writer herself and she wondered, what the hell is so secret about being a writer?!  The secret my friends, is in the fact that I’m a bit of a wild writer.

artsy victoriaI’m not tame.  I can’t be tamed, so there Miley Cyrus.  It’s all about me, not you.

So this blog, has also sort of represented my desire to be “vague”  but vague doesn’t particularly endear you to people and quite frankly I’m tired of vague.  I want to lay this shit all out on the table!  So I want to give you a snapshot of me.  No more vague.  I mean read my “Victoria’s Angst” page.  Does that really give you a picture of me?  Sort of, a tiny bit, maybe. There’s no photo and there’s a list of “characteristics” and “likes” and “dislikes” but what does that really tell you about me?  Shit…the truth is, what defines us anyway? I’m really going off on tangents today.  Is it where I live or what I do for work?  Hell no!  Is it what I ate for my mid-morning snack?  It is what I’m writing at the moment in my spare time? Is it the fact that I enjoyed the Voice last night?  Nope.  That all just sounds like bull.  So…when I say I’m going to give you a “snapshot” of myself, what does that even mean?

I have no idea and I’m writing this post! 

Or is this post writing me?!!  I don’t know!  I thought I was in control, but no.  I have another draft post where I wax on about self-discovery versus identity crisis.  Which of these I am enjoying with my mid-morning snack right now, I don’t know.  Probably a little bit of both because I feel both excited about the discovery and sort of…anxious about it.  I think I have this idea that at age 30 almost 31, I should “know” who I am.  However that’s another stupid assumption because I think we’re changing all the time.  We are never static. It’s impossible because of that little thing called TIME.  It boggles the mind, I know.

So, my snapshot, back to the task at hand.  Who am I? In all the cray cray details?

First off, as you might have guessed, I’m a girl.  Reveal of the CENTURY! And I just told you, I’m 30, almost 31. OH and yes, all the photos of “girls” on this blog are ME.  I’m that “interesting” to look at. It’s the nice way of putting it.  Ha.  I live in New England and it’s spring ya’ll and freaking beautiful.  I say things like, That’s Wicked Awesome! or Pissa!  Just kidding, I don’t really say Pissa but the first one is right on.   I was brought up on wicked  as an adjective that means cool as all freakin hell!.

Families will make you crazy…

I grew up in a family with mother, father and a brother.  My brother is 2 years younger than me and I harassed and teased him into a flinching complex. Opps.  I have major skills at harassment, most of it now focuses on my darling husband, but he likes it.  I think.  I have an extensive extended family, particularly on my father’s side and I love them like CRAZY, however they are all fairly conservative and religious.  So yup, that kind of clashes with the me you see here.  I had a lot of fun though in this family as a kid, like camping trips (My girl cousins and I were afraid of aliens in the White Mountains), sailing, windsurfing, Florida adventures (we were afraid of aliens here too and found something in the water we liked to call, Alien Teeth), hiking (At age 10 or so, Mt. Jefferson punished me something fierce! Bastard!)

we're in loveMarriage will push you further over the edge into…joy and hate…

I’m married and have been so for almost 4 years.  My husband is freaking awesome, or wicked awesome. We met on Myspace ya’ll.  It was Myspace to Myplace in ’06 fo’ shizzle.  I love, love, love to laugh.  I can almost always find the humor in things and I have a really dirty mind.  My husband and I are disgusting and hilarious together but it’s how we roll. And he likes to ruin every song in the world by changing the lyrics to dirty things, particularly of the male anatomy.  His “ways” have gotten inside my head now and I can’t get him out.  Gah!

Childhood friends will make you laugh your ass off…and still do

I went to a small school growing up and a small high school too. I went to a 4 year university for college and got a degree in English. Writing and art have always been a part of my life from a very young age.  I was writing stories in elementary school and making up ridiculous funny stuff with friends, like “Attack of the Killer Cauliflower” or the “Invisible Friend Book” where you could pick a sweet invisible friend from a catalog.  My friend and I made it by cutting out people from the Sear’s catalog and giving them ridic names, traits and personality descriptions (Opal anyone?).  Good times.  We also spent a lot of time playing with legos, barbies and matchbox cars and with each, we made up stories to make us laugh.  We were very very good at it.  We were like South Park, before such a thing existed and yes, just as raunchy and off color.  Later we recorded “tapes” with a fake radio station where we were the DJ’s and sang all the songs.

My favorite song,  I think is: George Washington Has very Good Posture, in which I play the piano and my friend sings.  Or maybe My Electric Pencil Sharpener. Classic!

 I love dirty rap music too.  Anything that bumps, I love, I don’t even care if it’s degrading or disgusting, turn that shiznit up and I will lay down a mean beat or rap along like a Snoop D-O-double Gizz-e!  I should have a white girl record deal, stat.   I used to say as a younger girl, when drunk, that if the music made me want to hump something, all was well.  I also love stuff that makes me depressed as shit!  Like my favorite, Pink Floyd, or Led Zep or Aerosmith of the 90’s or some sweet 90’s music like Dave Matthews or Counting Crows or REM.  I guess I’ve learned now that I’m “old” that I have an era and it’s the 90’s baby.  My heyday.  I remember wearing some sweet black overalls and a blue Hawaiian shirt and I also loved to buy vintage 70’s stuff from the local Salvation Army.

Sweet undergrad artwork...

Sweet undergrad artwork…

I had fire engine red bell bottom corduroys.  I was STYLING in an artsy kind of way… (what a joke!)

In high school and college I took a lot of art classes, so I have those huge stacks of canvases featuring awkward nudes and stunning still life.  I also took writing classes, of course.  The best thing I found among my old papers was a story I could hardly believe I had written but I guess I did because my name was at the top of the page.  It was about a Catholic Priest who eats/fights to the death live baby squids at a restaurant as part of his meal.

Example dialogue:  “I am going to kick your ass!  I have you backed into a corner you dirty little sea creature!”

And then when he won by slurping his unwilling opponent into his mouth, he’d sing, We are the Champions by Queen.  And he scribbled on something called the “Andrea” Theory.  If I remember correctly, I had to interview a classmate to write something and we had an insane conversation that involved these things.  So I concocted a crazy-ass story and read it with pleasure to my fellow students.  At the time I also wrote very bad fiction.  Well, not all of it was bad, but most was.  And bad poetry too.  I still write bad poetry.  Opps.  I don’t have skills, but I do it anyway.

For the past 3 years I’ve been trying to learn as much as possible about writing.  I’m obsessed!  I also love graphic design.  I’ve taken a certificate program and I’m very slowly doing freelance jobs for friends and family.  I love, especially to do custom wedding invites.

And my style, much like my writing is crazy sexy cool.  I’m like TLC. (Awesome 90’s reference) 

And I have a big butt and I cannot lie.  Don’t make me start reciting Time by Counting Crows as spoken word.  Don’t force me.

So, there you have it!  A snapshot of me.  I could go on and on.  But I’ll stop because this post is already FAR Too long and I’ve lost you somewhere…a few miles back either at Mt. Jefferson or George Washington.  How presidential?!

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on A Crazy Sexy Cool Snapshot of Me

  1. I had to read that in installments. Wicked good.


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