Sarcasm Central

A Critique – Identity Crisis or Journey of Self-Discovery?

“Sometimes I get so tired of being critiqued in everything I do.  Art and writing. It gets so hard to still actually want to create something.  But I guess that comes with the territory, your creativity will always be judged, labeled and critiqued.  It’s hard because creativity is close to my heart and getting criticized is therefore so personal.  I feel it a lot in my art classes both comparison and competition.  I don’t feel like it should be there, but for me, it always is.  I can’t handle it very well because I’ve always wanted and strived to be the best, to be unique and fresh and different and…good at something.  But in reality I can’t be the best.  I don’t have the skills or the motivation with art and it’s hard to accept this truth.  Sometimes I still want to do it, but not at school, not anymore.  Now I’ve moved on to writing and that’s probably smarter anyway. It isn’t my first love but it’s the second and maybe I can do something with it.  I hope I can.”  April 30, 2002

victoria sawyer crazy artI was mining the box of writing in my closet again for more inspiration for my next novel. I found this gem that speaks to me now as much as it did back then.  It’s cool to find something I wrote a long time ago, over 10 years now when I was a sophomore in College and realize that I…was smart in some ways or maybe even wise.  While reading through these journal entries I also realized that I was going through a lot of emotional trauma back then,, not only my struggle with mental illness but also learning who I was and how I fit in in the world.  Relationships with others, my skills or lack there of, my decisions about the kinds of things I wanted to do were all on my mind.  I was testing the waters.  It’s funny to me because I feel like I’m doing that again in my life.  A new renaissance for me where I’m publishing my own writing online, both my very personal novel and this blog and I’m feeling both criticism and positivity and I’m learning still, who I want to be and how I want to be perceived.

Lately I keep thinking that I’m having an identity crisis.  At the end in the blank pages of this journal I was reading from, I decided to write a new entry.  After detailing what’s going on in my life right now I wrote, “I feel like a different person everyday and yet from reading these old entries I can see the themes running through my life too.  The themes seem to be self-expression, art, writing, my ability to get my feelings out in some way or other.  It makes me feel good that I’m doing all this again and in a more official way.  I have taken my writing and made something of it and that makes me proud, proud enough to tell my old self, don’t worry girl, you’ll get there someday and when you do, you’ll be happy.  You might not think you know who you are, but you do, deep down you do and these new challenges are only strengthening you for the future.  It’s not an identity crisis, it’s a journey of self discovery.”

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

9 Comments on A Critique – Identity Crisis or Journey of Self-Discovery?

  1. It can be difficult I think to choose something to cling to when the wreckage around you is fresh every day.

    I don’t seem to have any roots, but then I have left a long trail of footprints instead!

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  2. museconfuse // May 15, 2013 at 7:18 am // Reply

    It’s always cool to find stuff you wrote from years ago. I wished I kept some of my journals and also wrote more now.

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  3. I’ve never journaled before and now I’m hitting myself in the face over it. Because it’s not until things pick up and get exciting and change that you realize you can’t tell where you are unless you know where you were coming from.

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    • That’s a nice way of putting it! Know where you’re coming from to know where you’re going. Definitely pick up journaling, you won’t regret it. I need to do so more now! I’ve been writing plenty…but not as much journaling.

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  4. I think that changes are even more profound for writers. Writers are natural thinkers. We analyze, dissect our situations, and scribble our findings. Then, like in your post, we go back, read our work, and learn from it over and over again. It is a wonderful experience in my opinion. I like the honesty of your writing.

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    • I agree we are analyzing ourselves constantly! I know I am which is probably why I feel like I’m having an identity crisis while someone else would just go on with their business and brush it off. Thanks for your compliment and…yes it’s pretty special! I think we do have a pretty good insight into the human condition because we know ourselves so well. 🙂

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