Sarcasm Central

Unpublish?

Seriously, Maybe, I don’t know? I have had this thought recently.  The thought that I’d like to fold up everything, my blog, my twitter account, facebook page and even my novel until it’s a tiny little package that I can hide away inside my heart where no one can ever see it again.  Because sometimes I think, this shit is too hard.  Far too hard.  And my old life, before all this begins to look really appealing.  And to think I used to think that life was stressful!

If you are thinking about publishing something, ask yourself this question, are you ready to be hated?  And I don’t just mean like someone sitting at home, reading your stuff thinking to themselves, this is bloody shit!  No, I mean someone taking to some public website where they will feel free to post their opinion of your work.  And not just their opinion, but their opinion laced with snark, meant to trash your creative product.  It’s like they want to punch your main character in the face, but guess who will be the one to feel that hard knuckle punch?  Yup, it’s you.  Can you handle that?

Some days I think, yes I can handle it.  I don’t (as I used to like to say in the old days with my friends) give a shit or a fuck.  But other days, you do give a fuck, you give a very very large fuck because this is so personal to you.  What other careers or endeavors in the world give you the kind of public humiliation and public hatred that an author receives?  There are a few, but most people in the world will never, ever have the guts to take this kind of criticism, even if they can dish it out.  Even me…EVEN ME..I’ve given a negative review before, I’ve gotten snarky, so now that I’m on the other side, I’m realizing what it feels like.  It feels like hell.

Don’t get the wrong idea, I’m not into this everyone be nice to everyone all the time bullshit.  I’m certainly not down with that.  People need to be part of the real world.  It sickens me to see people being super nice to each other, refusing to tell the truth, letting people think that terrible horrible shit is actually a masterpiece. That bugs me.  So…that is why I’m accepting the hate.  I’m trying to use it as a learning experience.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes contemplate for days on end killing my own novel because I’m afraid it’s shit.  It’s not really the negative review that hurts so much, it’s the thought that the scales might tip in favor of the negative and what on earth will you do if everyone hates your book, or if most people hate your book?  Do you then, unpublish it?  Do you rip it from the shelves?

And through it all, the stress of letting the negative get to you despite the positive you get as well (and why does the positive always always count for less than the negative?) you start to hate your novel and wonder why on earth you thought it would be okay to tell your own story through fiction?  Really, was that such a good idea? Is it doing what you wanted it to do?  And you start to hate yourself, your self of the not so distant past because you were an idiot.  As usual, you didn’t know, what you didn’t know.  Now you know.  You thought, stupidly, that no one could hate on your novel because you were honest.  You were SO HONEST you made yourself CRY!!  But honesty doesn’t matter!  Well…it does, to those that understand your honesty, but to those that don’t, your honest is inauthentic, your honesty is INCONCEIVABLE!!  (Said through the voice of that guy from the Princess Bride!).  Yes.

And you thought, like an idiot, well, since I’m tackling a mental health issue for the greater good, trying to describe how it feels, surely people will feel me!  Even if they hate it, they will see the greater good I am trying to accomplish!?  Nope.  Sit back down girl, they don’t get it or care.  It’s a novel, just like any other.

So at the end of the hard long day, what do you do?  You begin to question your worth as a writer, as an author, you begin to wonder if all along you’ve been doing the right thing.  Is your blog too wild?  Was your novel too honest?  Were you really yourself or some kind of overblown version of you that offends people?  People in real life don’t hate you, so what have you done to create hate in the online world?  And these doubts and fears are not going to go away. Nope.  They are here to stay, although there will be good days and bad days.  So for right now, I’m not going to do anything.  I’m going to hold the status quo, I’m going to wait it out and see how I feel.  I’m going to focus on my new novel and forget about Angst, because Angst is giving me Angst and I’m starting to hate it.  I really am.  It’s love/hate.

But then this morning I posted something to my Facebook page about make it or break it.  I want to be MADE.  Like the made men…the gangstas, the mobsers! And the only way to truly be made is through fire, through blood, through tears and through pain.  I certainly don’t want to be broken, no way.  So…I soldier on!  I pick myself up, because there are people who feel me, there is positive feedback and that’s all that really matters.  The truth of the matter is that you haven’t made it unless someone hates you, unless you’ve suffered and the things that are worth it in this world are only worth it because they are hard.  I’mma come outta this…a Made Author, one of the mob.

Advertisements
About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

14 Comments on Unpublish?

  1. Some days I know why people stay in bed all day just hiding under the covers.

    Some days, a lot of days, it would be fantastic if not just the world but the whole universe were flat. Then I could just walk to the horizon and never stop walking,

    Like

  2. It’s very difficult to write a novel (even a shitty one). Conversely, it’s incredibly easy to trash one (even a great one). The anonymity of the internet gives voices to all kinds of small minds, and it can be dangerous to ones psychological state to take any opinions there too seriously. By the same token, you didn’t write and publish a novel so that no one would read it. It’s a conundrum.

    Like

    • I agree! The online world makes it very easy to trash everything. I think if you publish something you have to learn to accept it because it’s going to happen. No matter what, it’s going to. Even if your book is well written, has a strong message, etc, people will still dislike it. It might not represent the “reality” that they accept, so to them it’s foreign. I guess it’s a wake up call to realize how many people there are in the world and how many different experiences are out there and also there are those who just want to bash. It’s all out there.

      Like

  3. I’d love to give you a virtual pat on the back and some magic words of encouragement. It might help, but the truth is you just have to walk your path and see where it takes you. One thing I *can* tell you is that I find your writing insightful and compelling and I can’t wait to read the entire book.

    Like

  4. I read this and heard John Lennon singing, “Nobody told me there’d be days like these…”

    What you’re experiencing is what every writer goes through, and not just once. Repeatedly. We must like the chaos, I guess… or the angst, or we’d have chosen to be checkers at Trader Joe’s. But that sure doesn’t make it any easier.

    You’re probably in a deeper trench because your book is clearly so personal. Everything is amplified. It sucks, but worse than that, it hurts. For now.

    I hope you’re writing another book. That’s how I cope with the bullsh*t.

    BTW, I just downloaded Angst.

    Like

    • Awww…thanks! I hope you actually like it! haha. I am focusing on my next book now and it’s less personal than Angst, although of course every book is part of you whether it’s about a personal experience or not. I think you’re right, we must like this pain or something! Or I guess maybe the pain is worth it to realize that you are following your dream, you are reaching out, speaking to people and that feels so damn good. We’re like addicts, I guess. We cannot say no!

      Like

  5. I can’t even imagine how stressful that is. Well, I CAN imagine, but still imagining isn’t knowing.
    As you know, there are always going to be bad reviews. Some people just won’t get it. If you start picking apart everything contained in a book (cussing, sex, violence, the list goes on), it’s GOING to bother somebody. It’s funny what you said about tackling a mental health issue and hoping people would get it. Not funny like, “I’m laughing at you.” Funny like, “Wow, that totally sounds like something I would say.”
    I’m naive. I like to put a little too much faith into other people’s caring/intelligence. I’m consistently disappointed with it, so it’s not really disappointing when I’m let down, if that makes sense.

    I don’t know.
    For every one person who doesn’t get your book, there will be ten who do.
    Or hell, for every ten who don’t, maybe one who does. But even if it’s only one? I’d say it’s worth it.
    🙂

    Also. People need a good dose of real-world honesty every now and then, so if you’re asking whether your book is too honest . . . who cares? It’s YOUR book. You have to be honest to yourself when you’re writing or else your book will turn out like crap. People might not like having that dose of honesty, but it’s better in the long run. Which you know.
    I haven’t bought your book yet because . . . well, I’m broke at the moment. But I’m looking forward to buying it here shortly when I can.
    I’d imagine it’s like talking to you, which I’d expect to be a ridiculously hard punch in the face (if being punched in the face was good, which it’s not, but I’m just saying . . . IF IT WAS). Reality punch in the face.
    Awesome.

    Like

    • I like your take girl! Very…rational and good. It reminds me of something my husband would say to me when I’m getting too emotional. Looks like you have a good head on your shoulders and should do well when you publish your book. Of course, I say that but it feels different when it really happens. But hopefully you will have thought it out ahead of time and be fine. I kinda thought I had…but…it still hurt. Oh and yes, I’ll definitely punch you in the face with my book!!! hahaha. So true. Awesome way of putting it. Instead of people punching me in the face for not liking it, I’ve already punched them in the face with my story. I shouldn’t be surprised to get clocked back, right?!! haaaa. you made me laugh with that one.

      Like

    • Thanks, haha.
      It’s great to be called rational. Mostly because I feel so irrational in my head all the time.
      I’ve got SOMETHING on top of my shoulders. The jury is still out on it’s status, though.
      And I think any amount of mental preparation wouldn’t do diddly for receiving that first bad review. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for a VERY LONG time now (and I don’t even have one published yet). Some days I think it will roll off my back. Other days I’m like, “THIS WILL CRUSH ME!” ha

      Isn’t that a great way of thinking about it? Even if they didn’t like your book, you still got to punch them in the face. XD
      I’m looking forward to that face punch!

      Like

1 Trackback / Pingback

  1. 9 Lies They Told You About Being an Author | Angst

Step right up, it's about to get crazy in the hizzy

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: