Sarcasm Central

Bowling Related Injuries

Have you ever suffered a Bowling Related Injury?  I did, just this weekend and I’m going to tell you the story.  Basically, what it comes down to is that I played, I sucked, then I improved and then I paid for that shit….with PAIN.  Also I felt like I was living it large with “The Dude” from the Big Lebowski.  Unfortunately there was no Jesus at this bowling alley.  Shudder.

So this past weekend, I went bowling with my new friend Evie (and no, she’s not my ONLY friend, you guys are SO mean to me) as well as her husband and mine.  First we did the dinner thang and were supposed to go to a movie, but my hubs just wasn’t feeling it.  Mostly because he just falls asleep during movies and when you’re in public that’s less…cool.  So he did the weirdest thing instead and suggested bowling.

I haven’t been bowling in like…10 years.  And I’ve never been particularly good at bowling.  In fact you could say that I downright SUCK at bowling.  I’m admitting a failure here people, I’m very insightful into my own failings.  Maybe too insightful?

So we went.  We got some sweet ass shoes, picked out some bowling balls, mine was pink and 7 lbs just in case you wanted to know, as was Evie’s.  Also…we were doing something called… “Rock N’ Bowl”  Yes.  However, I think that name is misleading as there was lots of bowling (with a pitcher of the good stuff, so of course you don’t notice the Bowling Related Injuries until it’s too late) however, I gotta say that it was a bit lacking on the “Rock” part of the deal.  Sure, there was music but the speakers were so far away we could hardly hear it.  And yes, there was a blacklight, but there weren’t any seizure inducing strobe lights, but I guess it’s not called Rave N’ Bowl, so what can I expect?  There was one tiny tiny wee disco ball, but it was so far away that we had no disco action on our lane.

So then…we picked some names and proceeded to bowl like maniacs and got quite aggressive in our competition.  Evie’s husband was all about who’s athletic and who’s not.  Clearly, I’m not.  Also since Evie and my hubs only did cross country in high school, that shit does not count, even though it’s been like a million years since high school.  So they are just not “athletes.”  This was our running joke.  However, I made that dude EAT his words later!  Recognize!!

So at first I was throwing all gutterballs.  This is me:  I’m gearing up, doing the fancy footwork steps and the wind up and somehow, every single time when my arm releases it seems like it’s gonna fly sweet but suddenly at the last moment at the release things go haywire (namely my wacky arm that I can’t control) and the ball immediately enters the dreaded gutter.  I should have requested bumpers.  It’s like the gutter is my place.  I own the gutter.  If the gutter was worth points, I would have been racking in the points, but alas, the gutter equals a big fat zero.

After a few rounds of watching me do my special dance and release, my hubs had some words of wisdom (and no I’m not going to share them because it’s why I’m awesome at bowling now.  It’s like my trade secret. Or maybe it’s our family secret?  Anyway…) and suddenly…things began to click.  And slowly, slowly over time my bowling was getting better and better.  I even got like 2 strikes and a few spares which for me is pure…insanity.

And then everyone else started to suck it hard.  They were like tired or maybe it was past their bed times or maybe it was the pitcher.  I don’t know…but alcohol makes me a beast at bowling.  I was even performing under pressure.  Evie’s hubs and I were neck and neck, in direct competition and he was talking some serious smack…but I just shrugged that shit off and went on to rock it properly, as Rock N’ Bowl requires.

Until…until…I won a round.  Me?!!  My hubs was terrible at this point.  His luck had suddenly taken on a tinge of mine…and he was throwing ALL gutter balls.  Even Evie who started off strong was suddenly having a hard time.  But me…me…I was a champion.

But being a champion has it’s price.  It’s called Bowling Related Injuries.  Like…scraping the skin off your thumb, breaking a nail down low on your finger and then…yes…the dreaded carpal tunnel or some such wrist related complaint, as well as tendons on fire in the forearm and finger stiffness.  It’s amazing I can type at all with these injuries.  I think the bowling alley should put up a sign that if you’re not “athletic” or if you haven’t “bowled” in a long time you’d better take it easy old woman.  And that sign would have been handicrafted for me.  Of course, I wouldn’t have listened, but they still should have had the sign.

After several rounds of hard core bowling we were all tuckered the hell out.  I mean we’re over 30, what can you expect?  It was WAY past our bedtime and we had consumed beer and bowled.  I kept wanting to shout…. “Shut the fuck up Donnie!”  But I refrained.  I also wanted to shout, “This is what happens when you fight a stranger in the alps” and if you know what the hell that means, you friend, are phenomenal.  Truly.  You get me.

And now, I leave you with a recommendation.  Try some bowling.  Wear a white shirt with a black bra like I did, wiggle your butt and the guys will love it.  It will cripple their game, meanwhile you’ll only get stronger, better, meaner, until the criticism and trash talk bounce right off  and in fact cause you to shake your hips and say, suck it, suck it, suck it and in the end you perform better than ever.  Of course in the end you will be alone and broken…because you went bowling.

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on Bowling Related Injuries

  1. Hahahaha! I love this story. Truth sista! My hubs says, “It takes more than bowling to injure real athletes. I suffered none, but I do respect the nerves of steel. Good game Victoria.” That’s as good as admitting defeat coming from him! Of course he now needs me to point out that he had the overall dominating score, winning 3 out of 4 strings, and the most strikes. Almost admitting defeat….almost.


    • HAA!!! I love it!! Yes, us fake athletes are easy to injure as we don’t have the stamina and aren’t prepared for the hard fight!! haaa. He did win overall, I will admit that. I’ll admit that this entire article was completely full of shit because technically he kicked ass!! 😉


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