I’m reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. And it’s helping me change my perspective. But like anything else, changing your perspective is a lot of damn work! It doesn’t happen over night and often there are a lot of…set backs along the way. As well as….leaps forward.
Last week, after reading a few chapters and spending some much needed time at the gym, I had an epiphany of sorts. Tolle talks about the “Ego” in his book which is the little voice in your head that is really only good for giving you shit and making you feel terrible about yourself. (As I wrote to EV, I have to learn to say, “You Sir are Bullshit. Get the fuck out of my HEAD!!”) He tells us that this voice is not “us.” It is not who we are, it does not have our best interests at heart and he even refers to it as humanity’s “madness” which is the cause for a lot of the problems we see in our current world. And I completely and 100% agree! To have someone put it together in such a way was a revelation to me.
So that voice inside my head? She’s a certified suicidal lunatic bent on destroying the world…or my world and my happiness. It’s the voice that tells me to panic and to fear, it’s the voice that tells me I am not good enough or that I should worry, worry, worry. It’s the voice that is negative beyond belief and tells me I will never accomplish my goals and therefore stalls me before I’ve even begun. It’s the voice that judges others and the same voice that tells me some new gadget or item will finally make me happy and we all know how that ends up. This voice is a tremendous asshole and completely full of shit. Realizing this has given me power. The power to start to believe that these thoughts are not me and that I can be free of them. As Tolle says, I am the awareness behind the thoughts. And being that quiet present awareness is stunning.
In my drive home from the gym, I practiced being the awareness. I looked around me, I realized that I am alive and that is a wonderful thing. I focused on my very alive body. I quieted the spinning thoughts in my head. I was at peace. It was bliss.
But now the hard work begins. To keep practicing, to try to be aware and in the moment, to discredit that voice. And that voice is ingrained in me. That voice has decided that part of who I am, my identity, is tied up in panic attacks and anxiety and in being a dark girl, a tortured girl who suffers. That voice is terrified of change. It does not want me to move on. It wants to hold onto me, to keep me where I’ve always been, under it’s boot, drowning. It wants me to continue to be the depression, the anxiety, the occasional suicidal thoughts.
The most interesting thing to me, an irony of sorts, is that the same voice that has always told me to be anxious is the same voice I’ve always wanted to escape by dying. I don’t want to die, I just want that voice to shut the hell up and leave me alone. I just want the peace. I want to know I am not that evil voice. I want to know I am not panic attacks and anxiety. I am not depression. I am worthy of love and happiness.
And now that I’ve realized that all of this is true, I can move forward. I’ve got my ego on the run and she’s scared, so scared that she’s making me feel anxious and sick. But I refuse to back down. I want this more than anything. I want this peace. It has even helped me with my existential meltdown because we are all consciousness. Each and every person on earth is worthy of love, happiness and peace. We each have an awareness inside us and realizing this can lead to freedom. And…the idea that there is some greater consciousness out there, that we return to after death is an amazing thought. I don’t need to know the details, I don’t need to analyze or follow rules, I just need to be my awareness and peace will come.
And then, despite all my best efforts…despite feeling quite happy the last few days, today I am cranky. For the last 3 days Endometriosis has reared it’s ugly head, which it is wont to do every few weeks or so, except this has been the worst it’s been in a while. Not horrible, but enough to make me remember that it is there, inside my body, causing trouble. I feel tired, I am in pain and am experiencing occasional cramps. And for some reason (no doubt hormonal) I just want to rip everyone’s heads off around me. So…it’s a tiny step back. But writing this post, sharing my new thoughts with you has helped. I already feel more at peace. I can transcend. I will TRANSCEND you, you hideous annoying asshole bastard ego!! I dare you to interfere with my peace and quiet! I will pull this car over Ego…and you don’t want that!
And speaking of happiness, I highly recommend you check out a new post by EV in which I am featured. We’re email correspondents and we keep each other on track. I’m calling us soul sisters. We’re both on a path to enlightenment, a path to happiness, love and the ugly murder of our horrible horseshit egos that are trying to bring us down. I’ll keep you posted on my progress!
Much love blogging world, it’s amazing to be able to share with you and hope that I might be able to help someone find peace as well. And don’t worry, I still fully plan on being a sarcastic bitch now and then, because it’s amusing and laughter is freaking awesome.