My damn meds are regulating the crazy. And by regulating, I mean I’m paying taxes, like you do for alcohol or gas. I’m so regulated that I’ve started this post about 5 times and failed 5 times at finding my usual humor and that has cost me a hefty sum. Alrighty…start again…what I really want to tell you about is therapy. Or as my husband says: “When are you seeing the-rapist again.”
The “Customized” Therapeutic Experience. Yes, I Deserve It. Treat Yo’self!!
So I got a new one. I’m jumping back in after 2 failed attempts and I’m hoping the 3rd time’s a charm. I did my research this time. I searched the interwebs high and low for a person that specialized in a wide variety of methods for driving forth the crazy (gotta say, crazy-less is so boringggg!! Do I really want to drive out the demons?? Or are they just too much fun? More about this latah!!) Because what I want is a “customized” experience and dammit I’m worth it!! And yes…I’m sick and tired of the drama! I want PEACE!! I want happiness and freedom from playing slave to my mind. (If you want information on the huge variety of therapy methods, seriously there’s a shit ton, check out this helpful site: Goodtherapy.org)
Meet Dr. Phil with the “Various Methodologies”
So I found “Dr. Phil” and I met with him for the first time last week. He has a sweet office, number one (always the materialistic first) and he uses several methodologies, such as Internal Family Systems, EMDR, mind/body connection and even invites you to discuss spiritual matters, which is perfect for me. So I’m fighting off my persistent negativity and installing a (hopefully not) puppet regime of positive thinking. And honestly, who doesn’t like to just show up somewhere and talk about themselves for an hour??? It’s definitely not for the faint of ego. And I am not at all faint in the ego department, at least that’s what Eckhart Tolle has been teaching me.
I Enjoy Misery. It’s What the Cool Kids are Doing.
In fact my entire psychoses are dependent upon my ego, on that little voice in my head getting her damn way. In my continuing reading, I’m learning about what Tolle calls the “pain-body” which is basically you making yourself miserable, all the fucking time. Emotional suffering, sorrow and misery. And this “pain-body” needs to feed on negative energy to keep itself in a continuous state of beautiful glorious addictive wretchedness. In fact it ENJOYS being miserable. It loves it! And yes, I have witnessed this in myself. There is a part of me who finds suffering awesome, who loves to writhe and squirm in discontent. I want to be unhappy. I don’t want to be that “happy sickeningly sweet sucrose person”. I think being loving and happy is lame! That’s how the inner pain-body in me operates. She tells me that it’s not cool to be happy, sunny or thoughtful. She lectures me that being dark, twisted and depressed is the way to be, if you want to join the cool kids. How can this be?
I even found this entire blog post that illustrates (with dastardly depressing colored pencil) exactly what the negative Nancy or cranky-pants in me sounds like! She scoffs at happy positive people! She’s a terrible snotty dejected bitch!
Banish the Bitch in Your Head! Hang up the Phone! End the Connection! Drop the Line! Bad Reception on Purpose!!! Can You Hear Me Now? NO…NO I Can’t!!!
Eckhart’s solution to banishing the bitch? Be present in every moment! And for gawd’s sake…don’t worry or stress or cause drama! Because why? Why? Why? Why? Literally each and every one of us is making ourselves miserable by our emotional and obsessive reaction to things that “are” because we LOVE IT! We love to hate, we love to cry, we love to make other people miserable too!!
And what “We” (the collective We) need to realize is that situations are not negative or positive on their own, WE are negative or positive in our reaction. And the first step is being aware of that damn voice who recites all this shit to you. It’s like a pre-recorded message. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, just spouting off, woe is me stories like it’s her job! Push 1 for self hate, push 2 for hating on others, push 3 for jealousy, push 4 for red hot rage, push 5 for pity party and sob story, push 0 for the operator who goes rogue and off script. And why listen to her again and again? Now that is truly boring and repetitive!
So…I’m starting right now…I’m not going to listen to her. She can eat SHIT!!
Do I Deserve the Good Shit? Yes, Yes I Do!!
Or at least I’m going to try. It’s definitely a work in progress and I’m hoping Dr. Phil can help me. We’re gonna tackle some interesting stuff, including my past, my first introduction to panic and anxiety and hopefully through all of this I’ll be able to let go of some of my pain…or maybe all of my pain. Who knows? When you’re positive, the freaking sky is the freaking limit!! There is no worst case scenario. There’s only the best thing that could happen which would be stepping away from panic and anxiety forever. Raise your hand if you want that? That’s right, I’m raising both hands and even my feet cause, good god, get me away from the panic. Let me live a full non-anxious, happy, bitch-free life!
The Egos Back, Just for a Minute, Then I Give the Hoe the Heave-Ho!
I’ll keep you posted on both my reading and of course my therapy. How can me talking about myself for an hour not be hilarious, in some way? I’m going to try my darndest to make Dr. Phil laugh too during therapy. It’s what I do. I’m pretty damn insightful into me and usually my insights into me are hilarious (thank you ego for that pat on the back). It’s like I’m giving someone else shit, but really it’s just me!! So….stick around my friends. I know you want to witness some serious personal growth. I’m gonna try real hard for ya’ll. Sweet huh!!
Enlightened with Attitude! We’re Bitchy and Sucrose Sweet!!
I’ll end on my newest motto: Banish the Bitch. I’m still not quite into sweet yet though. I’m really bad at it. Would you be terribly bored if I were sweet and nice all the time? I think I’m gonna institute some kind of enlightened with attitude club. Do you wanna join?