“Dammit write a blog post for gawd’s sake!!!” This is what I’ve been saying to myself for the past 2 weeks. And I have stuff I could write about, but I’ve been refusing to write ANYTHING at all. It’s the holidays afterall and I’ve been super ridic busy and yes, lazy as sin. Santa should NOT deliver anything to me since I’ve been a very bad girl.
Now on to the random blog post where I write about whatever the hell I want (be warned that I wrote a lot, but said very very little. To sum up: Blah Blah I can’t blog, blah blah bored, blah blah gratitude, blah blah blah). First and foremost let’s talk about this happening:
Yes, she’s what’s commonly referred to as a “kitten” but we refer to her as “bitey” since she loves biting all the damn time. She’s freaking adorable so we allow it. I got her recently because I’ve been sans kitten/cat for about a year and a half and I had a terrible itch that needed to be scratched with some tiny razor sharp claws and I got my wish in this little black fluff ball who apparently is a Maine Coon/Himalayan mix. She’s incredibly wild and she’s been stalking us around the house and last night she jumped on my head on the couch no less than 3 different times while I was trying to watch TV. I guess I forgot the pure evil that resides in little cats. But I do love my G, who wouldn’t love that little wookie face???
After taking a tiny break (I had to just now take a break away from WordPress and my terrible, shitty writing) I’ve learned that my lesson of the day is that my blog posts are unpolished gems. Or you might even call them worthless pieces of shit if you were in to practicing honesty because you KNOW I’ve written nothing interesting in MONTHS. HA!! No, no, I wouldn’t say that. They are worth their weight in…something heavy and moderately expensive. Maybe uranium? (want health problems? Read on!) I don’t know. All I do know is that I usually take the route most traveled which is more about things being…vaguely humorous and less about being all deep and philosophical. But I do admire that kind of writing…the deep, sounds like a professional ponderer, pondering the universe, writing.
Unfortunately I have a hard time with that writing. I want to write that way, but when I do it sounds sooooo boring and I’m too insane. I’m too…hyperactive and impatient. I like to whip off a blog post at a moment’s notice with whatever weird shit happens to be inhabiting my brain at the moment before I evict those thoughts for something different…and these thought evictions happen quite frequently. My brain is light speed…maybe even FASTER than light speed. Who can tell me I’m wrong? Who???
So…in an effort to come up with a post that follows this vein (of gold deposits or uranium) I’m trying, desperately to write you a blog post worthy of THE Victoria Sawyer and everything she stands for. Who is Victoria Sawyer??
Honestly at the moment, I have no freakin idea, although I do know that I’m getting the random, spacey, blathering part down like a pro. For the past few months I’ve felt, lost, then found and then lost again and sort of on the brink of locating me again. YOU’VE heard this all before. Every last word and you could in fact just skip to the end and say..oh…yes, here’s the life lesson…
Per usual, I’m in the 5th circle of hell, the one reserved for me with questions that can’t be answered, trying to decide what to do about my meds. I’m on them, definitely, until after I go on this trip I have planned. After that, it’s up in the air. I could…take drugs, not take drugs, be calm and collected or be anxious and expressive. Right now I’m…being social. I’m partying like mad with friends and family and I’m not ANXIOUS. I love it.
BAH!! I feel like I keep writing about the same SHIT again and again. I’m stuck in a rut so large that no new ideas can even BREATHE. They are drowning, dying, perishing!!
So I thought I was found with Tolle. I read his book and everything he said made/makes so much sense and I’m still into it….I’m just unable to feel the universe like I was before. I feel stilted, stunted and I can’t seem to connect to anything. My ego is…out of control. I’m stuck in the “most consumerist time of the year” (put that to music), spending money, buying alcohol, eating out, seeing friends and family and I like it…sort of.
Someone stop me. I could honestly just start ranting about so many things. Like humanity, like the earth and its global destruction by yes…us. Or about the fact that I simply shouldn’t waste time worrying about stuff like that because why? I can’t change it all on my own, I can only do what I can do. I could rant about work and how I’m sick of my job and I spend my days bored out of my mind. But again, why? That would be boring and OH MY LORD it’s been done so many times on this DAMN BLOGGG!!!
I could…just tell you that I’ve basically checked out for the rest of the year. My creativity is on vacation or Sabbatical at least until the new year. Meanwhile you can imagine me partying like it’s 1999 (NO, not on a beach in the Florida Keys while some terrible cover band plays in the background. That was my real 1999 and though it sounds cool, it wasn’t. I mean like…someone who had an AWESOME ‘99, in a sweet BUM equipment sweatshirt, stone washed jeans and some expensive alki. Ok, ok, I’ll be realistic those things were in fashion BEFORE ’99. You got me.)
I might continue to post but I feel that I have run completely dry of ideas that are interesting. Maybe it’s just RIGHT now that I suck. I don’t know…but I do know this is my SECOND try at writing this post and yes…it still sucks.
I’m basically biding my time until vacation…looking toward the future, just like I’m NOT supposed to do. I’m not being successful at living in the present, because I don’t much care for the present. The present is boring, routine, blah.
However, when I start to think about GRATITUDE and the true “reason for the season” (how unoriginal) I am SHOCKED into a stunned silence with this weird little happy smile when I think about how much I DO HAVE. I HAVE SO FREAKING MUCH!! I have no reason to complain or be bored. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home, awesome family and friends, a new sweet evil devilish little kitten, I have a job, I make okay money, I have food, clothes, a warm place to call home. I’m going on a trip soon. I have everything anyone could want.
And when I read a post from one of my new fav places, The Daily Love, I learned two little tidbits of info that spoke to me: “Gratitude, not entitled attitude” and “A delay is not a denial.”
So what have I learned? To shut the hell up!!
Do you like how I learn life lessons RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!! It’s like reality TV, except in writing! You get to watch me not get a rose from the bachelor and then I go through the entire range of emotions from sadness to anger and then finally to acceptance and repositioning the issue for another look and that new look reminds me that the bachelor is a materialistic asshole and I have WAY better stuff going on in my REAL actual life. SCORE!!!
However, all that good shit aside, I still can’t write and I’m still boring. I’ll admit that this post does suck. That’s not pessimism, it’s reality. Respect my truth and my right to feel that a post sucks and I’m doing it anyway. Watch me hit Publish! It’s like a horror movie where you’re like…don’t do it…don’t go into the dark creepy basement and then the character DOES THAT SHIT ANYWAY against all reason or better sense. That’s me, hitting PUBLISH with abandon. I just blew your mind. That just happened. WHOMP!!
I know, I know, it’s getting old, my jokes and of course this blog post. I just hope you’ll practice GRATITUDE and be glad I wrote anything at all, even if it sucks, cause instead of writing I could have been partying, HARD. But I didn’t, I care that much for you that I spent a lot of useless time crafting up something that looks like gold on the outside but when you dig in ends up being just dirt and some random rocks. It might…might…be an alien gravesite. Random? Yes. Oh my yes.