I’ve been spending a bit of time thinking about submission. Actually, wait, that’s the wrong word. That sounds a bit too sexual for what I’m trying to get at…the right word is surrender. Now get your mind out of the gutter and join me in the untouchable ether of thoughts, emotions, the ego and of course, The Universe. What does Surrender make you think of? Letting go, ceasing resistance, submitting to authority? Yup, that about sums it up and it also sums up exactly what I cannot do. I’m a control freak, a planner, a plotter, so this topic really got under my skin. I patently blame my friend EV because I got on this dubious topic after reading one of her latest posts about her surrender and what she said stuck with me and started to fester in my brain…mostly because I thought I had surrendered…but alas I do surrendering all wrong (probably as only I can do).
Fine, Do Whatever the Hell You Want, You Old UNIVERSE! I Don’t Give A Shit!!
So, the idea of her post was that she had surrendered to the Universe about her job situation. I have been in much of the same boat for the last few months and after my last job application yielded no results, I thought….I’ll surrender, I’m tired, I’m over this trying business. The universe can do whatever it wants. Let it work in my life, I won’t try to interfere. This was fine for a few weeks, but then I started to get pissy. Shit was not happening. Nothing was happening. I still hadn’t heard from the job and frankly waiting for the universe to get around to paying attention to me (when it never has in the past) seemed like a waste of time. I mean I could be plotting and planning and doing shit (forcing things), if I wasn’t waiting around for the old Universe to sort out my life. I really thought…I had surrendered. I thought…I’d given up control.
I Try to Shove the Universe to Get My Own Way (I’m a biter)
But of course I really hadn’t. I think I’d call myself a crammer or shover or a forcer because I try to force and cram and shove the universe into giving me my own way. I agonize over decisions and hardly ever make any at all because I just don’t deal well with questions that don’t have an easy answer. So I plot and plan around them, trying to get my way by sheer force of will. And I work hard, really hard, to get just about no where.
After my supposed surrender to the wise Universe that lasted all of about 2 weeks, I got mad. That’s pretty typical for me. It was the the week before the holidays and as I drove home I was working myself up into a fit. Just like the Christmas song where the guy says….if you’re so smart, you rig up the lights!! I thought, if you’re so freaking smart Universe, you rig up my goddamned life! And guess what? That’s not exactly surrendering, is it? It’s more like…daring the universe, challenging it, angry, defiant, ballsy little me. And so for the past few weeks I have completely put it out of my mind while I enjoyed some R&R. Now that it’s the new year…happy new year, BTW, I feel like I have to come back to reality and face the things that I couldn’t face before.
And With the New Year…I’m Facing Surrender Again
And what this means, is figuring out how to truly surrender. Surrender doesn’t mean giving up or not doing the things you love, at least that’s how it seems to me. Surrender means that you don’t necessarily know what’s best for you and that shoving and craming and forcing things in the past has not led to positive results. Because…I just don’t know what’s good for me. Most of my job life has been spent disliking my work and longing to escape, only to escape to a job that I liked even less than the one I had before. Basically I escape shitty jobs, with more shitty jobs, just so I can escape. But really, it’s no escape at all. And this has not been working…it has been failing miserably.
I Know Bullshitting When I See It!
I have this same problem with being positive. If I try to be positive and say…”this is going to happen for me, I just know it,” I know that I’ll be lying to myself. I’ll be bullshitting myself and I know a bullshitter when I see one. Part of the problem there is that…clearly I don’t know what’s best for me, so if I am positive about something that’s not right, that’s not a good thing. Maybe this latest job would have been hell for me? Who can say? Maybe the Universe does have other plans? So how do I have patience while I wait for the Universe to unravel it’s plan? OR…is it just a fact that I’m destined to be unhappy in my job life? Afterall, I couldn’t possibly be happy in all aspects of my life, could I? That just doesn’t seem plausible (says negative nancy).
Defining Success Purely with Dollar Signs?
When I talked to EV about surrender and my job life in a very open email, she told me that she had once had her fortune told and was told that she would always be able to get jobs. That it would come easy for her. She said this:..
AND…just a thought I had…that’s dangerous I know, BUT mayyyyyyyyybe you did not get the other jobs because you are supposed to be unhappy with your job BECAUSE mayyyybe if you were more satisfied with your job you would just stop there and you wouldn’t keep blogging and writing because you might feel more fulfilled in that or have more of an excuse not to write and let’s face it…a writer you are. Just sayin’…maybe the Universe has something else in store for you lady. I believe it is true.
This actually cheered me up quite a bit. Maybe success is not meant for me in the 9-5, maybe success is different depending on how you define it. And certainly money doesn’t have to be a defining factor.
The Universe SPEAKS, AGAIN!! Ye Shall LISTEN or By God I Outta!!!
So…I wrote this all yesterday and in the meantime….the Universe kind of spoke…in the form of a quote about struggle and my friend Dana from the Wonder Forest who just finished reading Eckhart Tolle.
Here’s the struggle quote:
“In order to grow, you must give up the struggle to remain the same, and learn to embrace change at all times.” -Michael Singer
I found this on EV’s twitter account and it seemed so pertinent. Not so much the struggle to stay the same for me, but the struggle to always change something! Just the word, struggle, it really wrapped up all that I had been writing about. All I do is struggle, needlessly, and I never get anywhere. So obviously that isn’t working! I need to come at things from a different angle. I need to stop focusing/forcing/struggling with the future!
And then Dana, my dear friend, sent me the perfect paragraph that zapped my little brain into action:
Maybe it’s all about what Tolle said, if you don’t do things with acceptance, enjoyment or enthusiasm, you just cause suffering for yourself. Which makes your energy all negative, and spreads to others too. So if you feel stuck in your job and hate it, nothing good can come out of that because of all of the negative energy surrounding the whole situation. You want out of your current job but that energy could simply be preventing you from doing so, and hindering your own success. I wonder what would happen if you started accepting that this is what it is. Maybe it would magically lift some of those negative vibes and open up to new opportunities for you.
Sometimes Friends Are Channeling the Universe in Their Emails. Whoaaaa!!!
Genius, no? Aren’t my friends just the best thing in the world? Do you think that was the Universe speaking to me through Dana and EV? I’m thinking they totally channeled their inner consciousness and just gave mine the slap across the face it needed!! So this is what I need to focus on. Accepting what is, ending the endless struggle out of what I have been perceiving as a straight jacket. I need to bring JOY and ENTHUSIASM to my life and to do things because I love them and not because I think it will lead somewhere. I guess…you go around thinking that the universe is ignoring you and then suddenly…you realize…it’s been there all along.
And the end result? I’ll let the Universe rig up my life until it’s a blaze of sparkly colorful Christmas lights! Because, the Universe is SO smart!! It’s GENIUS and it keeps slapping me right across the face with answers galore!! So…yeah… no more idiot, I know best, smart-ass comments from this little punk!