Sarcasm Central

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, These Flowers Are Dying and So Are You

I’ve never been a very “girly” girl.  As a child I hated anything with lace, frills or flounces.  I can remember my mom trying to dress me in pink ruffles and I was not having it, at all. I was in tears, stomping around the house.  I’ve never liked pink very much (except maybe florescent highlighter pink) and I’ve never been into hearts either.  I think I always wanted to be dressed in red and black or some kind of tight leather cat suit.  I wanted to be sexy, a temptress, not bubblegum pink lace and flounces.  So….as you can probably guess, Valentine’s Day has never been a particular favorite of mine and in thinking about it, I’ve decided that it’s downright commercial and pretty damn annoying.

Here’s you, if you somehow completely forgot that this coming Friday is the day of love, Valentine’s Day.  You get out of work and hurrah, it’s freaking Friday night and the intro to the blessed weekend you’ve been waiting for all week.  Nice!  You get home and things are going just fine cause you actually have an excuse for that glass of wine or beer you’ve been wanting all week.  Afterall, every damn weekend is a “special occasion”  whereby calories don’t count and you get to drink whatever you want.  It’s an adults party that comes around once a week and you live for that party.

So you go inside the house and there is the spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend or whomever you happen to cohabitate with.  They’ve got big trusting kitten eyes and steepled joyful anticipation fingers because of course you remembered that it’s Valentine’s Day and you’ve got BIG plans!  Did you make dinner reservations?  Where are the flowers?  Box of Chocolates?  Hallmark Card?

Your poor little red heart stops.  Valentine’s Day?  Whaattt???  Goddammit!! (speaking of goddammit, I love saying it and writing it…but what does it mean?  I guess it means you are asking God to Damn things for you?  That sounds pretty presumptuous!  So…I’m just letting God know, not to actually damn the things I’m goddamming.  It’s a figure of speech! Gawd!)  Anyway…you’ve just realized that it’s V-Day and you’ve got absolutely NOTHING and the spouses smile falls off their face and onto the floor in 2 seconds flat.  Now the tears are hovering in their big trusting kitten eyes and the lip is trembling because…. You FORGOT??!!!  HOW DARE YOU!!  BASTARD!!  You are now officially in contempt of your relationship, bang the gavel, put on the cuffs because it’s time for solitary confinement.  Lead the criminal away.

This is what Valentine’s Day has done to you.  It has set you up for failure.  Even if you remembered, whatever you’ve done is not going to be good enough.  There was the anticipation that you were going to do “more” to prove your love for the spouse.  Afterall, it’s not like you prove your love for them every damn day by not LEAVING them.  (ha).  No, you have to prove your love on this one certain day that comes once per year.  (Well, you also have to prove your love on several other occasions, like anniversaries, birthdays, etc and Anniversaries are annoying because you inevitably forget).

Say no to Flowers and Death on Valentine's Day!

Say no to Flowers and Death on Valentine’s Day!

So let’s say you did remember and you brought the spouse some lovely flowers, expensive flowers.  Yeeha right?!  No.  No….not at all.  Flowers are the most depressing thing you can get.  I know lots of women love to get flowers, in fact I hear them talking about it, how they love having fresh flowers in the house, etc, etc.  Me, on the other hand…no thank you!  Flowers are just a reminder of DEATH!!  How lovely is it to get your loved one something that looks so beautiful and fresh and young today and then in a few days  it shrivels up and dies and you have to dispose of it!  It’s a cruel cruel reminder of how young and fresh we once were and now we’re old and used up and soon we’ll be in the compost heap!  I’m serious!  So depressing.  Unless of course you are actually young…and then it’s okay because you aren’t used up yet, you are still young and fresh and haven’t a thought for death.

I’ve never received flowers from my spouse.  And I’m okay with that.  Number one, he’d never think of it and number 2, I’d rather not receive flowers anyway.  Give me a house plant any day over flowers.  I might kill it in a few months, but at least it was alive and growing in a pot and not cut and murdered in a glass vase.  (This is making me laugh right now because one of my girlfriends doesn’t want potted plants in the house because then there’s DIRT in the house.  She cracks me up.  Secondly, what a hypocrite I am…my negligence to house plants is apparently okay (also known of as plant murder) but flower murder by someone else and presented as a gift is not okay.  Moving on…) I feel like every time I’ve ever received flowers in my life it was just awkward.  I don’t know why…I guess me and flowers just never mixed well.

So…now you’ve celebrated your love with something beautiful that is going to die in just a few days (perhaps forecasting the future of your love?), it’s now time for the other obligatory consumer related crap that you’re supposed to present to your loved one.  Like cards that say things you don’t mean or something you completely forgot it said after you hand it over and the person reading it is touched for maybe 2 seconds that you could pick out such a well written card (you speak the same language and you recognize flowery bullshit when you see it! Congrats honey!) and then your loved one promptly forgets whatever it said.  Real nice. Give me a handwritten 2 sentence note from my loved one any day!  It could even say something stupid like…your hair looks pretty today.  Or sometimes you smell nice. Or I liked it when I peeked in the shower and I saw your bum.  Or…your cat was biting me this morning and then fell into the shower and scratched the shit out of me and it made me remember how much I LOVE YOU and how glad I am you wanted a cat!!

Then there are the other obligations like chocolates or dinner reservations (which could be cool, I guess, cause who doesn’t like good food and wine and your loved one).  But really it’s just an excuse to spend money.  This is also why we rarely ever celebrate our anniversary either, because why?  We recognize that this is the day that marks the time we got married several years ago and then we move on.  Cause we love each other EVERY damn day!  And we say we love each other and we do little things for each other, so we don’t need some grand gesture or money spent to prove that we love each other.  And this is why Valentine’s Day is lame.  Happy V-Day!! (Venereal Disease day!! YEA!!)

As an aside, why don’t I get depressed and reminded of my mortality by vegetables?  They are also a plant item that we bring into our home to eat and often some of it goes uneaten and we have to throw it to the compost?  I guess I only feel this way about flowers because you don’t eat them or use them in any useful way.  You just…look at them.  I don’t know.  It makes me seem like I don’t appreciate beauty.  But I doooo!  Give me a painting of flowers and I’ll hang it on my wall…but don’t give me something that is going to die and rot into the water and get all slimy.  This might also be why I can’t really own pet fish anymore, because when they die, it’s just so depressing and slimy.

So…love each other EVERY DAY!!  Don’t wait until Valentine’s day and don’t feel obligated to spend crazy money on your loved one.  If you don’t do anything for V-Day and your loved one gets pissed, this blog post will not be here when you decide to prove to them why you don’t need to provide gifts on love holidays.  I can’t be held responsible.  I am not a doctor or a licensed love-ologist.  You are on your own!  At your own RISK!

Judge me world!  Do it!  There I said it!  Valentine’s Day is DUMB!  And so are flowers!  And girly shit like ruffles and pink bows!  When you finally want to accept me…  I’ll be over here in my leather cat suit with a french tickler!  Then we can tango!

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. What Kind of Strange Godforsaken Place is This? | Angst
  2. I Am Full of Bullshit: My Best Quotes on Angst | Angst

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