Sarcasm Central

A Case of “the Uglies” with Mincing and Ogling

Yesterday I had a mean case of the uglies.  It’s sort of like the “mondays” but it’s the uglies instead.  I don’t mean, I was ugly, as in I was horrible to be around or my mood was hideous or anything like that.  What I mean is that I felt…hideous, physically.  Yes,  yesterday I was blessed with a bad hair day, my skin looked off, my clothes felt wrong and conspicuous.  I just felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking, this girl looks terrible!

Have you ever had those days where the clothes you put on seemed okay in the morning, but when you get to work and take a look in the mirror it looks like you dressed yourself in someone else’s crappy clothes?  Or some part of whatever you’re wearing just feels weird or laughable, like the collar of the sweater your wearing is too big and ridiculous or the pockets on your pants aren’t in the right spot, or your butt looks huge or your tits look small or the style of the clothing is not something you would normally wear and you wonder who is thinking you look like a buffoon.  It could even just be that your clothes are too baggy or too tight or the fit is wrong and makes you look like a pear when you swore you were an hourglass.  Basically you look dowdy or frumpy or you look like Pancho Villa or a teeny-bopper in a 30 year old’s body working at a 30 year old’s job?  This was me yesterday.  Everything about my clothes was OFF and I felt that everyone noticed.  Probably no one did, but I noticed and made myself feel weird about it all day long.

Secondly my hair was a mess.  I have been failing as a girl lately because I got my hair cut short and I cannot for the life of me style the sonofabitch.  For most of my life I’ve had pretty long hair.  The kind you could wash and go, no styling needed.  But now with short hair I have to attempt to use the round brush and blow dryer and I am a failure.  It’s as though I have 2 left arms.  I cannot hold the brush and hold the blow dryer and manipulate both so that things actually work.  When I try, I’m blowing my hair sideways, blowing the hair out of the brush and into the opposite style than what I want and then the brush is all tangled in my hair and I end up looking horrific after ALL THAT WORK!  (Can you see it now?? I had to set my alarm back by 10 minutes to try to take care of my dumb hair!  And STILL it looks stupid!!)

So I kind of gave up on trying to style my hair, which as you can imagine leads to all kinds of bad hair days and the feeling of extreme self-consciousness when talking with anyone who actually puts their eyes on my weird head (like yesterday where I woke up after having washed my hair the day before and it was kind of kinky and weird and I tried to put it up but then it just looked dumb and juvenile and I knew everyone was judging me as unkempt and non-stylish).   I am not accustomed to “bad hair days.”  Or at least I never thought I was having one, so mentally I was never bothered by it.  I’m sure I did have bad hair days in the eyes of some, but I was blissfully unaware that my hair looked dumb.

Why is it that feeling that you look bad (even if you don’t really look that different from normal) makes you feel weird ALL day long.  You swear people are noticing, everyone is staring, judging, making fun, etc.  Mentally it can ruin your day because you keep harping on it.  It’s like when you eat some chocolate at your desk and then hours later go to the bathroom and actually take the time to look upon your face (which normally you don’t do, just breeze out of there as if everything is great) and that’s when you see that you have a big patch of chocolate on the side of your mouth.  Really???  And then you think about all the people you talked to since you ate that chocolate and the cringing horrible self-conscious terror comes over you and you are DYING of embarrassment.  Your face will literally turn red, even though there is no one around AT the moment to see the chocolate that you just wiped off.  You are embarrassed, AFTER The fact.

This happened to me once and I was PISSED that no one told me that I had chocolate on my face!  When I made accusations at my co-workers, people said they hadn’t noticed!  And they weren’t lying, cause one of them was my boss (a man) who had specifically talked with me while the chocolate was gracing my face and he acted surprised.  He hadn’t noticed!!

You know what that tells me?  No one EVER looks at your goddamned face!!  They don’t! People are too caught up to really look at you.  They are probably too busy wondering if they have greenery stuck between their teeth.  Due to this revelation, does my face now feel unloved?  It kind of does!  Like all this make up I put on….why?  But I would feel horrible mentally if I didn’t do it!  So really, putting on my face and nice clothes and trying to do my hair is basically for my mental health and not for anyone else.  People are far too caught up in their own shit to notice if you’ve got shit on your face.

Secondly, wardrobe malfunctions are also extremely embarrassing. Once AT work, I had a skirt on that was made of linen and the top layer had little holes in it and the under layer was a slip type deal of silky material.  All fine and good, until that under layer lets you down by RIPPING when you didn’t realize it and suddenly you are EXPOSED!!  FREAKING EXPOSED to the WORLD!!  The horrors!!!

Shit like that  can ruin your entire day, it can even carry over into the NEXT day!  You will wonder, who noticed, who was ogling?!!  Who didn’t SAY anything??  Who saw my underwear??? It’s like at work the other day I noticed a girl walking on the sidewalk while I was in my car.  She was wearing this little itty bitty tunic type deal that was also serving her as a skirt, little as it was.  She had on blue tights/leggings…but they were SEE through and when the wind was blowing up her tunic-deal her nether areas were EXPOSED!!  Good lord!!  I wasn’t near enough to tell the poor darling, but I cringed for her, many many times.

Speaking of (rambling) and my failings as a girl, I cannot for the life of me find the patience to wear heels.  I bought some this weekend (another attempt to trick myself into thinking that cute footwear is actually something I’ll be able to do) and when I put them on I got pissed because of how SLOW I had to walk.  I started walking down the stairs (or I could say mincing like a pig with tiny tiny hooves) and I got pissed because I wanted to RUN down the stairs but because of my shoes and not wanting to hurt myself in said shoes, I had to walk slowly and grip the railing.  This is ridic.  All my normal speeds had gone from road runner to tortoise in seconds.   The speed limit had been reduced!!  I was suddenly in a school zone when before I was riding on the damn Autobahn. Also my feet started hurting and within 2 hours, those shoes were thrown from my feet.  Heels are bullshit.  They do look cute though, if you have the patience to walk slowly and carefully like Ms. Piggy.

The final wrap up of this fashion-related disaster of a blog post is that…you may feel self conscious all day long when you wear something dumb or out of character or when your hair is crazy or when your face looks like somebody struck it with a shovel, however most of the world will not notice, AT ALL.  No one ever looks at your goddamned face. (and they probably hardly ever look at your body, except for the ogling boys, they are DEFINITELY looking, ALWAYS, keep that in mind!!)  And if they DO happen to glance, it’s only for a few seconds at a time.  So, most likely they won’t notice if you look dumb.  Now try telling yourself this, next time you have a bad hair day. Gauranteed it will not help your mental state that much, because mental states like to torture you beyond anything reasonable or rational.  So….I say…good luck with that.  To me and to you.  Good night.

Oh wait…one more thing.  So…about the ogling.  Boys are terrible terrible oglers.  They will ogle you silly!  One time Mr. Victoria Sawyer went to the grocery store and when he came home he told me the store was filled with “hot moms” and secondly, he was able to describe what these women were wearing in pretty good detail.  Mr. VS is a normal dude, not overly creeptastic and he had noticed things.  So trust me ladies, when you think you are just enjoying yourself at the grocery store, wandering the aisles, you are actually being ogled (eye f$%^ed!) by EVERY single guy there.  Guys have problems.  It’s like ogling is a past time for them.  They are that good at it.  Even when we’re out to dinner TOGETHER, just the two of us, Mr. VS’s eyes are never still.  They are forever ogling everyone in sight.  For serious.  This shit is happening.  It’s sick.  Just sayin’.

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About Victoria Sawyer (281 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

6 Comments on A Case of “the Uglies” with Mincing and Ogling

  1. Mr. VS. I love this. I will steal that and call P Mr. Chick E. Hilarious.

    Never again cut your hair. Your hair is amazing.

    Just last week I took the kiddos to Target, saw two people I knew, chatted cheerfully with the cashier, and got back into my car only to realize i had ketchup smeared on my face. Sexy.

    Like

    • OMG…that sucks!! Did you feel mortified for the rest of the afternoon whenever you thought of it? I hate feeling mortified for shit that already happened. So annoying and a waste of resources. I know…I’m not cutting it again, EVER!! I refuse. Even though I thought that combing my tangles out of my hair was annoying, it’s WAY easier than styling my hair with the damn round brush. Haaaa…P totally deserves to be called Mr. Chick E. Also, you should make/force him to write a blog post sometime. MR. VS actually wanted to write one the other day. How random?

      Like

  2. OMG! This so made my day! My hair’s gotten long enough that I can just pull it back in a messy ponytail & call it fashion. And why does it seem like you get ogled by the weird, crazy guys on those crawl-under-the-rock days??

    Like

    • Thank god for growing hair! Mine is not yet long enough to pull back. I have thought/fantasized about wearing a hat every day so I don’t have to deal with it, but I guess that might be weird. Maybe. Good day or bad, the boys be ogling. It’s ALL good to them. Sickos. ha!!

      Like

  3. Hilarious, thank you!
    Pepper

    Like

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