Sarcasm Central

15 Beauty Tips it Took Me Years to Learn

Yes, it took that long to gain common sense and problem solving skills.  Now that I have them, I'm a thinking machine!!

Yes, it took that long to gain common sense and problem solving skills. Now that I have them, I’m a thinking machine!!

As I’ve aged over the years (yes I’m getting old, damn you time! My arch-nemisis!!) I’ve finally learned a few things (beauty-wise) that I wish I’d known years ago.  Often I wonder, was I am idiot before?  How did I not figure this out years ago?  The answer is that I have no idea, apparently my brain wasn’t very functional when I was younger.  But now that it’s in its prime, my thinker is genius and has come up with all kinds of “life” wisdom.  Behold my brilliance!  (Because obviously I am smarter than you, unless you already know all this stuff in which case, you Sir or Madame are smarter than me in my “prime.” Congratulations!!) (BTW..thank you Microsoft Clipart for the fabuloso images.  You did great.)

1.  Trimming eyebrows is both recreational and makes you good looking.  I trim mine with a brow brush and manicure scissors.  All you have to do is brush those crazy brows up into the brow brush and then trim the long little jerks with the scissors.  Don’t be afraid to go wild!  I did and nothing bad happened, in fact my brows looked better than before.  I’ve also practiced this a few times on Mr. VS because as you may know, men have crazy eyebrows.  It’s in their nature.

2.  Throw out all your harsh face washes and soaps.  That shit is terrible for your skin!  It dries it out and also does not prevent breakouts, even though it will swear to god up and down that it does prevent them.  This is lies, all lies.  I’ve been using a homemade face scrub on my lovely mug made from sugar and oil.  You can use olive (which is kind of thick so only for people with really dry skin) or safflower which is less oily or even coconut oil.  This scrub also works great on the body.  Highly recommended.  And a bonus is the fact that after I get out of the shower, the floor is a bit oily and when Mr. VS gets in, he almost slips to his death and then he curses my name very very loudly.  And wherever I am, I know I have done something bad.

Brushing my teeth, fast and furious, getting tooth paste all over my face!!

Brushing my teeth, getting tooth paste all over my face. Loving it!!

3.  Please when you commence the brushing of the teeth, try with all your might not to get toothpaste everywhere, all over your face.  Tooth paste will make you breakout and then you will be pissy.

4.  You know how your dentist is always telling you to floss?  LISTEN to that guy with the little magnifying glasses and harsh white light positioned over your head that makes him have a god complex!! Flossing is a really good idea and not just for dental health (who cares about that?) but also all other healths, including the health of your facial epidermis.  What I’m saying is that flossing cuts down on inflammation which can cause breakouts.  So Floss!!

5.  Because I love everything British, I’m going to call pimples or breakouts or blemishes, “spots” from here on out.  It just sounds more civilized than zit.  Zit sounds nasty.  I mean it is nasty…but let’s dress it up a little, put a little lip stick on the pig.

Anyway…back on topic.  If you have a “spot” don’t pick!  I know, you’ve heard that a million times and when I hear it from someone, I’m like…really???  YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIT!!  Don’t tell me to just let it FESTER!!

So…instead of picking you should take a needle (sewing needle works), clean the end with rubbing alcohol and CAREFULLY prick the “spot” and then gently remove that icky stuff inside.  Afterward, swab the “spot” with the alcohol which will keep all bacteria out of the OPEN WOUND, you now have on your face.  Alcohol is also helpful in that it dries out your “spot” which makes them want to wither and die.  And we do want them to die, don’t we?  As genteelly as possible, of course, because we are ladies and gentlemen, not animals.  Ahem.

Yea!  I'm washing my hands real good because I'm not going to touch anything for the rest of the day, so they certainly won't get dirty 2 seconds after I put down the soap.

Yea! I’m washing my hands so good because I’m not going to touch anything for the rest of the day, so they certainly won’t get dirty 2 seconds after I put down the soap.

6.  Keep ya damn hands clean!  Actually, I think that’s really dumb advice, but everyone tells you that, all the freaking time.  What they should really be telling everyone is STOP fondling ya damn face!!  You can wash your hands all you want and of course washing them after the restroom is really important, however as soon as you step outside said restroom with really clean sparkling hands, they will immediately become soiled upon the grossness of our office/home/restaurant/public icky places.  So the key to keeping germs at bay and yes, “spots” too is to not touch any part of your face, EVER, under punishment of DEATH.  That means YOU!  Stop rubbing your damn eyes, I know they itch, but suck it up unless you want a damn cold!  Or YOU, stop picking your nose!  We’re in public, have you no decency?!!  Or You!!  Stop eating without washing your hands first.  Gross!! Or YOU, you bastard, don’t put your fingers in your mouth!

7.  For the ladies, wear a little eye liner.  I’m telling you, you’ll thank me.  I once went without and it was actually a day that I was having my picture taken.  Ever since, I have hated those photos with a passion and I couldn’t figure out why.  What was different about me?  Why did I look terrible?  The answer: my eyes were lost.  And I don’t really have tiny eyes either but they had lost their significance in my face.  It was just one bland oval of the SAME color.  Doesn’t that sound weird?  It looked weird too.

"Sexy cow, sexy cow, sexy cow.  They gave me hormones to grow big and beautiful and...Delicious!!  Wait...??  What?"

“Sexy cow, sexy cow, sexy cow. They gave me hormones to grow big and beautiful and…Delicious!! Wait…?? What?”

8.  Peeps…I recommend you try to not eat foods that contain additional hormones.  You do realize that they pump cows full of artificial hormones?  And it’s not because it’s good for you, it’s because they want those cows to grow big, FAST and thereby make them more money, FASTER.  And those hormones are going inside you, whenever you eat a burger or whatever.  THEY claim that it’s not bad for you, but how the hell do they know that?  I swear to god that those hormones do weird shit to you (and your children too!).

Do boy children really need an excess dose of FEMALE hormones?  Probably not.  Do girl children need to get their period at age 8?  Probably not.   Also, things like Endometriosis, which I happen to have, could possibly be caused by too many hormones.  BTW..I stopped eating red meat and my skin seriously did get better, I think it was causing evil “spots!”

And hormone problems are not only in food, they can also be found in beauty products, such as hormone disrupters, which basically just fuck with whatever hormones you have.  For example:  Sun screen or BPA or Dioxins.  Sounds FAN-tastic.  Huh.  Oh and I also gave up milk.  Milk contains hormones too, but their little warning label will tell you that the highly TRUSTED FDA says it’s okay.  But did you know that Europe banned the hell out of that shit?  And we didn’t???

9.  I also recommend natural deodorant.   Most deodorants contain aluminum which is thought to perhaps cause breast cancer.  Not something you really want to mess with, particularly if you are applying said deo directly to your underarms (near your breast tissue) EVERY DAY for your ENTIRE LIFE.  To find natural products, go here:  Skin Deep

Ha ha ha...my cell phone just gave me 10 different communicable diseases including a computer virus, even though I'm wearing these white gloves to protect my hands.  Balderdash!

Ha ha ha…my cell phone just gave me 10 different communicable diseases including a computer virus, even though I’m wearing these white gloves to protect my hands. Balderdash!

10.  Do you ever…clean your phone? DO IT!!  GET IT OUT RIGHT NOW AND SWAB THE SHIT OUT OF THAT NASTY DISGUSTING THING!! Do you know how GROADY that thing is?  Talk about putting your hands on something totally festering with germs after you just washed your hands…oh yeah and then putting said bacteria rectangle (cube?) against your face to make a call.  Ewwww!!

11.  You could try having a “natural products party” with your friends.  I did it with a few of my girlfriends and it was super fun.  For example,  I now make my own:  powder laundry detergent, body wash, face wash, lip balm, lotion (still not quite successful), shaving cream, all purpose cleaner, etc.  It’s sweet.  Here are a few links to find some ahmazing recipes:

Wellness Mama
DIY Natural
Bohemian Kate
Keeper of the Home
Eating Bird Food

12:  You know how we’re made of a shit ton of water?  Anyway, you kind of need to replenish… regularly, we’re like water based life forms, in case you didn’t know.  To help me stay hydrated, I have a huge 40 oz Hydro Flask that I keep by my desk all day long.  In fact it’s pretty much the only thing I drink.  I don’t drink soda or flavored water.  I just drink water, STRAIGHT up.  I’m that hard core.  I recommend you model your water drinking after my excellent example.

13.  Sleep?  Show me someone who doesn’t like sleep!  It’s like the BEST thing EVER!!  I could sleep for a week straight, that’s how much I love it.  So yeah…most people need about 7-8 hours per night in a DARK room.  If you find you can’t sleep, invest in a sleep mask (yes I know it brings up images of the rich divorcee when she wakes up at 12:00 pm with a hangover craving a cigarette in a fancy holder, but trust me…they do work, like this one which I love: Bucky ) or get some blackout curtains.

14.  Ladies, don’t forget to use your eye lash curler.  I know it looks mean and evil, but it’s really your friend.  I have several friends, who shall remain nameless, who STILL to this day refuse to use their eye lash curlers.  I’m flabbergasted.  Just bamboozled.  I can’t understand them.  A curly eye lash is like godliness and a straight pointy eye lash is like…the seventh circle of hell.

15.  Makeup.  You should try the minerals.  I use Everyday Minerals and have been very happy.  “We’re happy togetherrrrrr!!”  Also natural lotions are cool too.  Who wants to slather their face with fossil fuels?  Petro chemicals?  Soot?  Tar?  Weird lab chemicals that god never intended?  Just kidding, I made some of those up.  Maybe.  Who knows?  There is some freaky stuff in our body care products.  If you knew…you would be DIS-gusted.  Promise.

See how perfect and happy I am?  I'm like the bubble boy, perfectly protected from the evil hormones of the world.  I just take my hormones in pill form now.  I'm advanced.

See how perfect and happy I am? I’m like the bubble boy, perfectly protected from the evil hormones of the world. I just take my hormones in pill form now. I’m advanced.

And so, in closing, these are the things that I have learned over the course of 31 years of existence on this planet.  I am now so perfect that I don’t even want to associate with the rest of you lowly humanoid types.  I am a new BREED, an advanced species.  My skin is shining, my teeth are free of plaque etc, my eye lashes are curled and godly, my skin glows because of all the water consumption I’m drowning myself in, I’m so well rested that I have the energy of 10 red bulls and vodkas.  My eyes are lined, a la Cleopatra (hence I am sexy as hell), my phone is so clean you could eat off it and sometimes I do as if it’s a mini platter to hold whores-de-vours (hahaha, I’ve always wanted to spell it that way somewhere official, like the interwebs and now my bucket list is complete!).  My brows are sculpted like a greek goddess statue and my body is sooo natural, in fact the only hormones that I subject myself to everyday are provided by the BC anti-children goddess.  I am pure…so pure and absolutely perfect that my body thinks I’ve been pregnant for over 10 years now without ever having any actual offspring.  (Weird that MORE hormones are called for to treat endometriosis??)

Fine, you’re right, I’m being disingenuous.  My skin is not shining, although my teeth are almost free of plaque.  My eye lashes are curled, however I am not well rested.  My brows are pretty nicely sculpted and my eyes are nicely lined, but I am not all-natural.  But I’m trying my best and that’s all I can do!  The pressure you people put on me to be perfect!  It’s TOO MUCH!!  GAH.

I hope my tips have helped you, because it took me 31 years of thinking to birth these simple ideas (as opposed to the 12 years I’ve been “supposedly” pregnant and birthed nothing).  THIRTY-ONE YEARS!!  That my friends, is a masterpiece…of a LIFETIME.  You can commence your slow clapping any time now as I receive my life time achievement award for GREATNESS in thinking.

 

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on 15 Beauty Tips it Took Me Years to Learn

  1. OMG I think of you every morning now when I put on my Secret deodorant and then get super stressed out about breast cancer. But that all natural stuff does not keep me stink-free. What’s a girl to do??

    How do you feel about the Neutrogena Naturals line? Is that just a scam where they put “natural” in the name so that I think it’s good for me?

    Like

    • You should try Crystal Essense Deo. I was having the same problem with all natural deodorants, but this one actually works! Secondly, Neutrogena Naturals is probably a scam. Most of that stuff is. There are some truly natural stuff out there though. Check out Skin Deep for ideas. I’ve been using Alba and it’s fairly okay. I figure if I can at least reduce my exposure it’s better than nothing. I cannot give up shampoo and conditioner yet though! The natural stuff seems to make my hair funky. I also don’t even wash my face anymore! I just remove my make up with a wash cloth or use one of my home made facial scrubs. If you want some recipes, I can send to you. I have a whole bunch that I put together from different websites. 🙂

      Like

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