AKA: A Catalog of Woes: The Year in Review
I know it’s not necessarily the time of year to be doing a year in review, but I have a need to see all my woes laid out in a humorous way for the enjoyment of the citizens of Interwebs Township. I want to be your clown, will you hire me?
Alternately this post could be called: Waving the White Flag of Surrender or The Sorrows of Young Victoria. Or Semi-Young Victoria. Anyway, my hope is that by laying out these woes I will somehow learn a lesson and/or I will give myself a good excuse to wallow in depression. I mean, I’m already doing it, wallowing like a pig in shit, but having a good reason to be sunk and dirty in depression is of course superior. You can feel justified and almost like a martyr. Also if you can somehow find a way to laugh at your woes, you can feel a bit better about them.
And now I present to you: The Woes of Victoria 2013-14 Edition
1. Tried to get pregnant, failed. Blame the body. But it’s okay, I don’t need no kids. I’m kid enough. (Seriously don’t feel bad, I’m okay with this, I really am. Stop blubbering!!! Dry thy tears! Oh sweet Patsy, now I’m a crazy cat ladddyyyy!)
2. Weird symptoms for 2 years, annoyed and fed up, I agreed to have surgery to find out for sure WTH is going on. And yes, I do indeed have Endometriosis. Hurrah! Weeks of pain ensue after a lovely convalescence. That’s a great old timey word isn’t it?
3. I got back on anxiety meds because the idea of surgery was giving me the heebeegeebees. WHOA!! That word looks awesome that way. I’m distracting myself by looking at words. Anyway….I also thought it just might be a good idea to be back on meds to tone down a bit of the madness.
4. Spent about 2.5 months of sleeplessness and DT’s from said anxiety pills. DT’s doesn’t make sense because that’s about Detoxing and I was actually toxing or retoxing. So. Hm. Very fun. Though magically (and deliciously) some of the same symptoms apply.
5. Applied for approximately 10 jobs. Got 3 interviews. Rejected by all. Then I flipped off the universe but I don’t think that necessarily helps.
6. The hardest rejection was the most recent. I shared everything, even this here crazy blog and still I was rejected. Not sure where to turnnnnn. So I am turning around in circles, like a dog chasing it’s tail. Who the hell’s tail is that? Get it…MUST GET IT!!! ARF!!
7. Skin has been atrocious. Hormonal fucking shit!! I look like a goddamned teenager! My hormones enjoy drama, they are drama-queens.
8. Gained weight, lost weight, gained it again. Will probably somehow be able to lose it again if I stop eating comfort food. Sob…Mac and Cheese and Ice Creammmm!!
9. Winter was wickedly long and terrible. Why do I live in the North East?? I had S.A.D.D. Big time.
10. Been extremely exhausted due to Endo. Why does no one recognize this as a symptom? It’s like this ridic exhaustion that makes you not want to do anything at all. My motivation is the sorriest (that word looks dumb) thing I’ve ever seen.
11. Struggled to keep up with the blog and find additional projects etc after the busy last few years (building house, publishing novel, endo symptoms etc) and the meds that don’t seem to help with creativity. Creativity hinderers.
12. Also it’s hard on the ego to age. You look in the mirror and you think…what the hell is happening here? Where did the time go? CLICHE!! Seriously, I’ve lost the time, where did it go? FIND IT< DAMMIT!!! How am I getting old? I know I made a pact with the devil and he’s not keeping up his part of the bargain. NO SOUL FOR HIM!!
13. I happen to be a slave to my body. My body OWNS this shit. LIke…I OWN you MOTHERFUCKA!! That’s how my body cackles and laughs at me when it causes me not to sleep because I didn’t drink quite enough water for its tastes or when I have alcohol and it just gets pissy. (I love alcohol. Come’on Body, let’s bargain. What do you want??)
14. Oh yeah and then I cut my hair and hated/hate it. Now it’s in the weird growing out, awkward, I don’t give a shit how I look, but actually yes I do and I feel terrible stage. Hence, a case of the “uglies”.
Wait, I swear to god there should be more woes. Where are the rest of my woes? The funny thing is that I don’t believe I have felt this self-conscious and low since I was a teenager. I never thought to feel this way again about myself after I left those uncertain years behind. And yet, And YET!!! Here I am. The word FAILURE looms large! In flashing shining lights! ON BROADWAY!!! FAILURE!! THE MUSICAL!! STARRING MEEEE!!!
So, as you can see, I am sunk right down into the bog of depression. The only thing keeping me afloat at the moment (my life preservers who bouy me up while I slurp and struggle and thrash) are my friends and family who I am clinging to in a way that is probably making them gasp for breath as I push their heads under water to get myself aloft. My husband, my girlfriends, my parents, etc. My friends have been so amazing it’s not even believable. If I wrote a story about it, you’d call bullshit and say it was the most unrealistic thing you had ever read. I’d say (braggingly. HAHA) it puts Beaches (the movie) to shame. Ok…not really….but….My friends have read my ranting and raving emails, they have given me amazing advice, they are practical, caring, good at goal setting and planning, smart, wise, just…sooooo cool and they like prop me up. I need an easel to hold this damn cubist art work that is me.
So let’s talk about the things I’ve discovered after all this failure (the musical). My friend Evie told me about a book I should check out. It’s by Danielle LaPort and is called The Fire Starter Sessions. Apparently it’s about looking for the feeling you want rather than the end result. So instead of chasing a specific dream, chase how you want to feel and you will be happier. Also of course I know, deep in my soft squishy sensitive little heart that acceptance and ending the struggle is what I need to do. But how the hell do you end the struggle, when you are STRUGGLING??? I’m hoping, with a little luck that I’ll be able to discover something or other RIGHT HERE< RIGHT NOW!! (Also, my therapy reading is helping too because I need to learn about a “valued life” as in Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life, the book. (I always want to say, get out of your life and into your head, but that’s the WRONG message all together.) Heads are like jail cells. Sometimes.
Also if your head tells you you are a failure, it may come true, so don’t listen. They say….You become what you think. So banish that thought, post haste, me harties (and don’t mix metaphors or sayings or time periods or whatever it is I’ve just done.)
Welp… motivation waned and waxed (poetic) and here I am DAYS later, writing on this SAME gosh-darned post. WTF, you say? I say that too! WTF!!! Anywho….the lesson learned is that time heals all wounds. It’s really true. Like a week has gone by and I’m cured of all my wounds and cuts and stomach digestion, boils, bubonics, etc. Sort of. Besides, the other thing that heals old crusty scabs is moving forward and doing something. OR at the very least finding something to mentally obsess over other than the fact that you want to rip off your scab. (EWWWIEEE!)
So….I’m considering schooling (thanks to Dr. Phil for urging me in this direction) I’ve look at school before but never made the plunge. (I’m thinking maybe a degree in digital and social media, right up my goddamned cat feces infested alley). That’s part of my problem…I have a very hard time with commitment. I don’t commit well or at all. Except to marriage. I commit to that just fine, easy as pie, with Mr. Victoria Sawyer. If only other directions were as easy to map out as my love for that worthy man (who doesn’t deserve me…he deserves better!). For example, the direction of this blog post or the direction of my career or dare I say, my life?
The other thing I’m kind of obsessed over is trying to start my own business. I’m batting around ideas like a kitten with a nip filled toy, kicking ideas with my back legs. Afterall, working for “the man” is not all it’s cracked up to be! [rabbit kicks the man with back legs, take that THE man!!]
So…we move on, we move forward, we obsess anew over different stuffs and paraphernalia and thus we are healed of our bullet holes and splinters and blindness (maybe) and bad sense of direction. I am like a man driving, I need no directions! I find my own way, dammit! I don’t need no help, I can do “disaster” and “year of woes” and “Failure the Musicale” all on my own! Look how good I’m doing (director, actor, stage hand, understudy all in one!)!!! Anyway, Obviously you’re feeling nice if you can give thyself some tender-loving shit. and I have done just that. Very tender loving and gentle.
And thus, I leave you to go kick around some more ideas for my business (I think I’ll start online, gasp!)