Sarcasm Central

The Power of Makeup (I Wield the Powah of the Brush!!)

This post is for all of you out there who double dip yourselves in Maybelline every single day.  I say to thee, this is for ye…with the bad skin, breakouts, spots, splotchy skin, bags under your eyes, wrinkles, age spots, etc.  I feel your pain and we shall commiserate together.

Makeup is crazy.  It really is.  If you think about it, if we all stopped wearing makeup, like say if it suddenly became unavailable (WORLD WIDE PANIC!! The end is NEAR!!), we’d all look hideous and grotesque.  But in the old days, everyone must have looked hideous all the time, so people were used to it.  For most of the population it was normal for people to never wear makeup.  So those people always showed their real faces.

Me, I never (hardly ever) show my real face to the world.  I’ve got that shit slathered on every day.  It’s nice cause it hides all the skin discoloration, the spots, etc.  So my skin looks more smooth, also of course it enhances parts of my face which is nice too.  Bigger eyes, brighter cheeks, I can look more tan or more pale, whatever I choose.  Plus it’s kind of fun in a way.  I treat it like art.  I’m like an artist with a canvas, painting a pretty face on top of my other….dreadfully real face.  I’ve got to cover up the horror mask with pretty colors so you’ll be deceived into thinking that nature has blessed me (which is HASN’T! I am accursed!)!!

Now…truthfully, I wouldn’t say I’m hideous without makeup…but my skin def leaves something to be desired! (Like…consistency)  I feel like makeup somewhat levels the playing field for those of us with bad skin.  We can start to look somewhat normal and not like red blotchy weirdos.  So that’s nice.  It’s a good thing I didn’t grow up in the olden times.  Although everyone else probably looked pretty rough as well.  No orthodontia!  No make-up!  No plastic surgery or fake boobs! No hair dye!  It’s also weird how in the olden days people’s hair went grey and you would see a lot of grey haired people, but now it seems like most people dye their hair, so it’s harder to tell age from a glance.

Anyway, the other day I was looking at photos online of the Power of Makeup and it was insane. People that looked normal suddenly looked glamorous.  Or people that looked bad, suddenly looked good.  All of us though are going around with this shit on our faces and some of us don’t feel normal unless we’ve got it on.  That is pretty sad.  However at the same time….I can’t compete with people with normal skin!  There are some people who look just fine without makeup and I ain’t one of them. (Vanity ALERT!!!  SOUND THE ALARM!! AAA…WOOOO…GAHHHH!!!)

Also, the other day I had the opportunity to put my face in one of those booths that will tell you if you’ve got skin damage and voila….I didn’t have much!  Apparently covering my skin all these years has had some benefits and now that I’m using less harmful mineral make up, I’m probably doing okay and can indulge in my less red skin.  I can look more glamorous.

The trouble is that it’s difficult to maintain the illusion of beauty or of looking a certain way.  I know I’ve seen colleagues on their day off with no make up on and they look different!  They look tired, strung out, hung over etc!  But it’s just their REGULAR face!!  How sad is that?  Are we pathetic??? When these people come to work, they’ve polished themselves with make up until they are shiny and new and healthy and well rested, like the skin of a brand new baby!  It’s like mandatory that you put on the happy “I love my job” face for work.  (You do want a promotion, don’t you??  HAAA)  It’s such a huge RUSE!! We are SO FAKE and FRAUDULENT!

And it’s difficult to be sure that you always have it on and never show that real unsightly repugnant face underneath! Like if your mother-in-law does a pop-over and catches you before you’ve showered.  You’ll go right into a frenzy!  You cannot have people viewing the real you!  You’ve spent years concocting this fake hawt version of yourself.  By God, you will not let all that work come crashing down on your mottled discolored head now!  You MUST run and hide and commence with the slathering!! AHH!

The other weird thing though, is that guys (or love interests in general) probably get used to seeing us with our makeup on and so think we look a certain way.  They may think you are a 9, when really you are a 7! HOW DARE YOU!!  But…beware the day you take it off!  AHH!!  There are times at home when I don’t have makeup  on and my husband never comments or seems to notice (How can he not notice?  Really??).  So that’s pretty nice of him.  In many ways, Mr. Victoria Sawyer is no gentleman…but in that way he is.  Or he’s just oblivious.  Or he never looks at me. Either way, it keeps me happy. HA!!

So I say to you, indulge in your slathering of make up and you’ll probably have less skin cancer.  Also it’s okay to hate on people with nice skin because they are assholes.  (!!) haha.  They don’t understand your trauma and compulsive need to make your skin appear to be clear and smooth and one color because nature or god or the god of genetics or something gave them perfect skin.  They don’t understand waking up with a face full of spots because your hormones had a party in bed the night before.  An ORGY of hormones!  Their hormones NEVER engage in such reckless behavior WITHOUT protection.  So when you wake up with sores and pustuals, they wake up with a clear conscience and beautiful skin.  God I hate them!! So…you gotta ignore them, shun them, be jealous.  But keep putting on that makeup to trick the bastards!  Plus it’s a kindness to the world, it really is!  Also avoid the rain, because you may melt your face off and everyone will be scared because you look like the wicked witch underneath.

Some people are brave enough to post a no-make up selfie.  Those people also should be shunned and made to feel like outcasts.  Me…I’m terrified of posting a no makeup selfie.  COWARD!!  Because I fear after viewing the shot, I’d be forced to abuse photoshop in way that would feel evil, untruthful and criminal (in a scary evil witch sort of way), much like Cruella Deville and her coat of puppies.  Just WRONG how’d I misuse poor old photoshop!  My cowardice and vanity knows no boundaries.  I may show you myself in words, but not in pictures!

My words of wisdom astound even me.  I’m so amazing, it hurts.  But you can’t tell because I’ve got my makeup on, which means that I have a very nice “resting bitch face” on right now.  I paint that bitch face on every day and then I work very hard to represent.

GLAMOROUS!!!

Now enjoy some Power of Makeup photos!  HERE!!

Gawd, what a freaking shallow post.  I win an award for shallowest post of the day on WordPress.  Where is my crown?  And free make up supplies to test?  GET ON THAT!! STAT!!  I have an addiction to feed you lousy….I mean…nice people.

P.S. It must be really boring to be a boy and not get to play with makeup.  Sad Face for boys.  Then again, they don’t have to play pretend all day long either by making sure their face hasn’t slipped off.  Lucky bastards.

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on The Power of Makeup (I Wield the Powah of the Brush!!)

  1. This was totally hillarious!!

    Like

2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Just FYI – Submarines | Angst
  2. How I Reduced My Exposure to Chemical Filled Skincare and Household Products | Angst

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