Sarcasm Central

Sanctioning Cat Fights: Bitey and the Gentleman

My husband claims that I am promoting cat fights.  And not just promoting, but organizing, advertising and preparing the combatants. He is wrong, of course.  I’m doing nothing of the sort, because animal fights are inhumane. (weird how human is a part of the word inhumane but it can apply to many species??  We are soooo conceited!!)

Anyway, the truth is that my goal was to get a friend for my long suffering Bitey.  Or actually, I hoped to relieve myself because Bitey is sooo bitey and rambunctious.  Everyone had been saying for months, BITEY NEEDS A FRIEND!!  So I was finally, like…fine, I’ll do it.  I’ll just go on down to the shelter and pick out a friend for my sweet evil little Bitey.  I was intent upon finding a girl cat, but alas the one who stole my heart was a boy tiger cat.  Opps.  So I brought him home.

First off, when I sent a picture of the new cat, Mr. Victoria Sawyer said that the cat looked cranky and he didn’t want him.  Ridic.  And also he claimed he had never really expressly said I could have another cat, but I did that shit anyway, cause that’s how marriage works.  Besides, I had been mentioning it as a desire for a few days and he had never forbade me…so clearly that’s permission.

As soon as I got home, Mr. Victoria Sawyer declared that he is the beast-namer in our house and he would name this new beast.  The cat’s name at the shelter was Chanel.  Really?  For a boy cat.  So obviously that had to go.

If you can picture it, it was sort of like the Lion King when Mr. VS named our new cat.  Or you can imagine it like a knight getting dubbed Sir So and So.  Mr. VS said, I dub this beast The Gentleman.

(That’s not actually his name, however for all intents and purposes of this blog post, that’s his name.  And subsequent blog posts.  Because obviously Bitey is not really my other cats name either.  Although you probably thought I really would name a cat Bitey.  What am I, crazy?  Don’t answer that.  Anyway….I can’t reveal the TRUE identity of my kittens because then all you bank account hackers would hack into my accounts once you got all this personal information from me.  Evil hackers!  I won’t tell you my passwords!  What am I, a dummy?  Would I really use my cats names as my passwords?  Isn’t that like numero uno on the list of things NOT to do?  hahaha. YOU’LL NEVER KNOWWW!!!  I love having secrets!! Just to annoy you hackers!!)

I digress, yet again.  You are so long suffering, Angst readers!  Now we have two cats:  Bitey and the Gentleman.  Once they were introduced to each other it was clear that Bitey was not happy.  He was very very hissy and growly.  The growl was particularly low and throaty sounding and he was also backing away post haste.  And at first The Gentleman was a true Gentleman and didn’t do a damn thing to Bitey. He just sat there and looked at him, like…really buddy?  really?  He was a true gentleman.  Also, when interacting with Mr. VS he actually jumped OVER the laptop keyboard instead of walking or laying directly on it as Bitey is wont to do and Mr. VS was impressed by his manners.

So…we’ve had the Gentleman for a few weeks now and there has been no progress on friend making between the two cats.  There are only occasional cat fights that I have apparently arranged to disrupt the peace and quiet of our household.  There is now STRESS where there was none.  So instead of getting Bitey a friend to play with, I have brought him an enemy combatant.

AND AND!!!  Come to find out The Gentleman had the kitten cough or kennel cough and so had to get on antibiotics.  This kitten upper respiratory infection was apparently making him more gentlemanly and docile because as soon as the antibiotics went to work, the Gentleman started getting attacky and chasey.  The Gentleman now believes that he is our one true cat and Bitey is an interloper on the scene who must be hunted down like prey.

Why, oh why?  Why have I done this to myself? I’ve caused strive!!  Why can’t CATS GET ALONG!!  Also, why can’t I speak to them?  It’s so frustrating that I can’t just say to Bitey, “Listen buddy, just give him hell one time and he’ll leave you alone!”  But no, I cannot communicate this message to Bitey and so he continues to run away and be scared and lets The Gentleman think he’s got the upper hand.  BAH!!

Literally, I can jump in a rosebush and come out smelling like…sh….!

It’s true.

Also a few words on the Gentleman.  He’s a dope cat.  He’s a super extra slut for love.  He loves love.  Also he’s very talkative.  Kind of like me.  He just walks around the house, meowing and meowing for no apparent reason except to get our attention or to annoy us or to get love and the funny this is that I do the EXACT same thing to MR. VS!  I never shut the fuck up!!  I am constantly babbling, particularly if Mr. VS is ignoring me….I will continue to just babble and babble and annoy him to the ends of the earth!  And he is really good at ignoring me which is when I have to use alternate tactics since he’s learned to tune out the sound of my annoying voice.

Another thing about cats and husbands is that they are similar because just as cats can get too over stimulated by too much petting, so too can husbands!  It’s like both groups can sense the INTENT of the touch.  Like sometimes my touches are filled with hate instead of love and when I say hate, I mean annoyance or teasing.  BOTH groups can tell!  Mr. VS gets very cranky when I keep touching him and bugging him to get his attention, so too do the cats get cranky when I keep petting them after they’ve had their fill.

The Gentleman has taken to opening his fanged mouth as wide as he can and slowly inserting a large portion of my flesh therein (which is different from Bitey’s lightning fast strikes of claws and teeth).  Then he clamps down, very gently, just to let me know he’s had enough.  Mr. VS declared the other day that he would start doing the same when I annoy him.  It’s like I really have THREE cats in the house.  And Mr. VS refuses to admit that he has cats.  He says, I have cats, meaning me and not him.  So yes, I have 3 cats.  All males.  And all mark their territory.  HAHAHA.

As you might remember from this post where I told you about annoying the shit out of my brother as a child, I still do that now to Mr. VS!!  It’s transferred and also I’m still the same person as I was as a child!!  I’m the worst!  I thrive on annoying people.  Like if Mr. VS is sitting there innocently intent upon his laptop (which he is ALWAYS doing) I will just keep blabbing to get his attention (because clearly all attention should always be on the star of everything, me) but Mr. VS is adept at continuing to look at the computer and not at me.  So then I have to sit next to him and rub his neck or his arm or his hair and just generally annoy him.  It’s sooo much fun.

Also it’s fun when I’m feeling WILD or on a sugar high, like full of energy, to touch him because he can tell that I’m like vibrating with pent up energy.  He can tell the touch is hateful even when I try to mask it with love and gentleness!! It’s like I need to work out or run around to get the energy out, but I of course lately refuse to do that because I’m a lazy sack of shit.  It’s especially fun to give Mr. VS touches full of hate when he’s tired or being a cranky pants.  Don’t you wish you were married to me?  The truth is that I am giving Mr. VS some serious life skills.  I’m coaching him to handle ANYTHING.  He could survive the Amazon now.  The jungle would be nothing to him.

I guess that’s enough about husbands and cats for one day.  I have to head down into the house to spend some time reffing a cat fight.  Busy busy!!  And also of course I have to fit some time in my day to annoy my cats.  All THREE of them. It’s where I get all my power for evil, from annoying them all!  BAHAHAHAHA!!

Also…post script…can these cats please stop?  Can’t we all be friends?  The strife within the house is TOO MUCH!!  I’m going to have to resort to DRASTIC measures.  And we know that I can’t take any cats back to the shelter, including Mr. VS.  That just wouldn’t do.  HELPPPP!!!

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

5 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

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  5. Tears of a Kitten: A Heroic Cat Rescue – Angst Anarchy

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