Ummm…so….social media and blogging is actually kind of hard to keep up on. Does anyone else hate posting to Facebook? It’s like whenever you post there are crickets chirping loudly in the background. NO ONE is there. Or if they are, they are not hearing you despite your repeated screaming of the same shit again and again at the top of your lungs. Keep screaming honey, no one is coming to rescue you. There is no knight in shining armor!! Bah. It’s too bad because I get to hear all the bullshit over at my feed and don’t see a lot of posts from people I actually WANT to hear from. I think that our migration patterns should change. We should fly straight through Space Book and onward to something better, some kind of greener pastures. Why hasn’t anyone invented these greener pastures yet? GET ON IT!!
Secondly I’m trying to get better with Twitter. I was doing it for a while but then gave up on it because I really only felt like taking the time to blog. However…Twitter is better because you can actually hear from people. Like just random people will talk to you and that’s sweet.
I want to be more social (blog-wise) in my actual place-of-living. But how the hell do you do that? I’ve seen a few social media groups around but I’m kind of afraid to just put myself out there and join one or show up to an event. Here’s your moment of truth: Guys…I feel like a big fat (phat) fraud. Have you ever felt that way? It’s bad too because I had someone call me Amateur…so that doesn’t help with my feelings of fraudulence.
Let me explain what that means…it means you are doing something, like writing or social media, or trying to be like a “personality” or a “brand” or whatever (which is dumb cause I’m a PERSON) when in fact you feel that you suck and are starring in a musical called Failure. And you’ll ask yourself….How can I hand out business cards about my ludicrous, unprofessional truth-blog? How can I say…I’m a serious writer and blogger when THIS blog is what people find when they search for me??? (GODDAMNIT…I love you Angst (don’t take this the WRONG WAY!!) I wouldn’t change a thing! I’d marry you all over again! Let’s renew our vows???!! PUH-LEASE?)
For example: I see all these people “in the real world” who have jobs as graphic designers or writers or social media marketers and then I feel…that I am truly at the bottom of the stack and being crushed by everyone who is sooo much better than me because someone actually believed in what they were doing enough to hire them and actually pay them real hard CASH-MONEY. In Response, I feel that I am fake, trying to be something I clearly can never become.
BUTTT…my friend who is a photographer feels this same way and she’s good! She has told me countless times to fake it until you make it. This is harder when you keep trying to make it and people slap your ass down and tell you you’re an amateur. (People can be real assholes in the world, BTW, even those that you think should be supportive. Talk about a real “community” feel.)
So…by “fake it, until you make it” you have to actual go out and say things like…I’M A BLOGGER!! (not booger) or I’M A WRITER!! or…I CAN DO SOME GRAPHIC DESIGN SORT OF STUFF THAT SUCKS. Nope…noppppeee…that’s doing it wrong. I’M A GRAPHIC DESIGNER…SUCK IT!! And you have to keep saying it, and keep handing out those business cards and keep writing and blogging even if it’s the craziest most unorganized thing that anyone has ever seen, even if NO one even looks at your blog, because how else will you ever make it?
So…Yes, it might feel awfully fake for me to announce on twitter (in my profile) that I’m a writer and blogger and self-published author. It might feel like a stretch (because clearly I have dubbed myself all these things)..but if I don’t start there where will I start? And who, please tell me, will ever announce to the world that I am these things if I don’t? Some dumb job? Some job title? Lame. Lame. Even with the title, you can still suck at what you claim you’re a professional at. (I’ve seen this…fo’real)
Talk about a crisis of confidence. Like how did anyone actually become what they claim they are? Who gave them a diploma in whatever it is they claim to be good at? In some cases, yes they have one (but how easy is it to get a degree if you PAY the money?), but in most cases, it’s some kind of self-declared thing. And yes, even with that diploma you can still suck at what you claim you do (Yes, just saying you did such and such at your old job in an interview doesn’t mean you actually did it remotely well). And even with that fancy title and lots of money, yes you can still suck at what you do. Afterall the best way to get promoted: Fuck up and move up. Seems to happen in all kinds of companies.
The truth is that people get promoted, not because they are good at what they do, but because they are confident (and yes, FALSE confidence is a real thing and many people suffer from it). And when people (hiring managers etc) see that someone is confident they take these subtle cues from them and therefore also feel confident about them and what they can do. Guess what? It’s all smoke and mirrors. It’s all fucking bullshit! The best person for the job, the one who is best at the tasks is usually the person who isn’t full of themselves, but they aren’t the ones getting the promotions. Hence…competence and confidence can be two sides of a coin. The confident are not always the most competent. (How many people in well paid, supervisory roles are like this??? Have you seen it??! )
Umm…so I guess the moral of the story is that confidence is everything and you can actually get away with being the biggest fuck up ever and STILL get promoted (Just keep fucking up! You’ll make it! Don’t give up now!). However, how do you fake that shit if you don’t naturally feel that you are the best thing since sliced bread? What if you don’t go around like an asshole feeling full of yourself all the time? What if you have, gasp of shock, humility and/or doubts. What if you’re like….a regular person and you don’t want to be special, you just want to get a job in the field you love, but all you see are the non-competent confident bastards getting ahead of you?
I guess what I’m going to do is just say how awesome I am. There. I’m this really awesome, unique, special, off the wall, caustic, hell-yeah, bitchy writer. I do it for the LOVE OF THE GAME, Yo!! I’m like a basketball player but without a professional team or cheerleaders or even a coach. I’m on my own! I just go out there and shoot those damn hoops! I’m lay-ups and dunks all the fucking time! I’m goddamned 7’3″!! Boo-ya!! (Keep faking that shit. Keep going!!)
So…I’m taking an online class (Marketing, fucking professional)…and I’ll hopefully meet some people there and maybe I’ll get up the guts to attend one of these social media groups or conferences or something (Guts=confidence. Must get guts). I’ll bring my business cards and sell this old blog like she’s a diamond in the rough! Polish off the shit and you’ll really see a writer with skills! She breaks all the rules, yes and she appears nuts, but seriously, who else can bring that kind of whaaa-zam? Who else can make you feel the way I do?! Like someone stuck a damn needle in your eye?!! (OMG!) Who else can take so many random tangents and somehow make it sound sort of coherent? Who can fucking tie shit together that has no chance of ever actually making sense…but yet…it does??!! Who else has the GUTS to try something new, to be off the wall and full of madness? Who else basically spills their blood on their blog by making fun of all their faults and failures and insecurities?? WAIT…
Now I’ve gotten derailed. You know what…if being confident means not being honest…then fuck that shit! I’d rather be authentic than fucking full of myself. Because this blog has always been about honesty and I guess that’s more important to me than fucking polished perfect writing. This is not a goddamned fake-I’m-trying-too-hard portfolio of my “professional” work. It’s artwork, it’s personal, it’s ME.
Hmmm…how many time will I vacillate during this post? How many times will I argue with myself about how I should fake being confident in order to “make it”? Shit…I really prefer honesty. I don’t like fake-shit. I don’t like pretending to be something I’m not. So yes…Amateur Hour has fucking arrived. It’s goddamned amateur-o-clock!! But I’m the best goddamned amateur hour you’ll ever fucking see!! That is…if you still have EYES after they’ve been exposed to my eye-melting, brain-farting (soiling) site. THE DESIGN IS MELTING MY BRAIN!!!
Listen…guys…is this blog even remotely professional? It’s writing…of course it is. It’s like….words all lined up, jumbled together on a page. That’s writing, right? If you just throw words together, you are a writer.
I AM A WRITER!!!
Also if you put photos together with text in say Photoshop or InDesign, you might be a GRAPHIC DESIGNER. (Just don’t declare it too widely unless you want someone to call you Amateur. Gotta say though, Amateur Hour is dastardly fun. There are NO rules mothafucka!)
If you sometimes post random shit to FB or Tweeter, YOU MIGHT BE INTO SOCIAL MEDIA.
Fucking labels. (I guess this is a post with a high level of swearing. I’m sort of fired up.) Guess what, I’m going to SELF DECLARE right now that I am worthy. I am a WRITER, the kind of writer I want to be. I am a GRAPHIC DESIGNER, exactly how I want to be. I AM INTO SOCIAL MEDIA and if people can’t recognize what I bring to the table, then fuck’em.
Victoria Sawyer = Writer, Graphic Designer, Social Media Enthusiast or Socialite
Fucking Labels. Stupid fucking labels. Stupid false-confident people. Stupid business world. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I can’t end this thing.
You can go now.