Do you live with a man? Do you know one? Have you ever interacted with the male of the species? You know…those ones that aren’t female? Yeah, those guys. You’ve seen them around, I’m sure. They’re everywhere. And yes, if you’re female, you’ve probably been ogled by these so-called “males” of the species. You know they’re there (with those EYES!), even if sometimes you forget. Just FYI, their eyes are used for dastardly business all the time or are not used at all in epic FAILURES. This is about one of those failures and not about the way they use their eyes for ill.
I’ve decided that since I am caged (live with) a male of the species, I am going to note their traits and write about them from time to time in a series aptly named, the male of the species. I am going to STUDY my male of the species and write about the things he does or DOES not do. I’m setting up an experiment. I’m going to go scientific method on his ass (and he claims to adore the scientific method, so hopefully he’ll adore this too. Who wouldn’t??).
So…the male…have you seen him? Have you noted his traits and ways of being? If you have noticed them around, doing their thang, you may have noticed a little something about them. (and yes, this is INCREDIBLE stereotyping, and I’mma do it anyway! YOU CAN’T STOP ME!!!)
What I want to write about today is what I lovingly call: Boy Eyes. Have you noticed this flaw in their character? Boy eyes are when a boy cannot find something for the LIFE OF HIM even when it’s right in front of his face. Mr. VS suffers quite badly from this affliction (He needs help in the form of a 12 step program, except step 1 is always just asking me to find stuff for him. and then he negates every other step. $%^$!!).
So…every time he says he can’t find something (This STILL happens even though I’ve told him right where it is)…I say…”are you looking with boy eyes?” And you guessed right, he is always looking with boy eyes!
Mr. VS is like…. “Yesssss” in a guilty sort of frustrated voice. Then I go…. “ARGGSSSSSS!!!” (Much like an angry pirate)
BECAUSE…BOY EYES ARE LIKE THE EYES OF THE BLIND!! THEY CAN’T FIND THINGS THAT ARE LITERALLY RIGHT THERE!! It’s like boy eyes give everything camouflage!
And when the boy eyes are in full effect and he asks me for help…guess what? The item in question is RIGHT THERE. Literally the item could jump out and bite Mr. VS on the nose and somehow he could not see it! Heaven help me!
I’m serious. Boys cannot find things. They just can’t. Nor do they seem to remember where they put things, EVER. Or…well…most of the time. The male of the species is silly. Also how come a lot of other male species are all pretty and shit. WTH? We got human males instead. Where is the damn plumage? Where are the bright colors? Where is the bright blue penis-like nose or the bright red ass or the big antlers? Where is the strutting, promenading, fighting, feats of strength, singing and/or music making used to get us to mate with them? Hmmmm…. No comment I guess… (If you know the male of the species you have probably come across their mating dance. So I don’t need to reiterate that here. Suffice to say…it needs work. Question: Are those other species putting the male of our species to shame?? Don’t answer that or our males will feel quite poorly. (HAAAA!!))
Mr. VS needs to work on those boy eyes of his as well. Too bad it’s encoded in his DNA. So he’ll claim he can’t help himself. It’s like when he says he can’t “be trusted” to do grocery shopping. The truth though is much darker. He actually screws up grocery shopping on purpose so he’ll never be asked to do it again (usually by buying 12 cans of baked beans, 8 jars of pasta sauce, 12 cans of tuna etc. because he claims we need “staples” and I don’t buy enough). THE GAMES!! THE MALE OF THE SPECIES!! ARGGG!!!