Recently I came to the conclusion that we have so many feelings and emotions and thoughts and self-flagellation and judging of others involved in our weight. I know, I’m a genius for realizing this super obvious emotional response. However, the thought that occurred to me is that we ALL do it without even realizing we’re doing it!
Tell me if this seems familiar to you: You see someone out somewhere or see a photo of them online and if they’ve gained weight you judge them. I think it’s most drastic if they used to be otherwise and have suddenly gained some weight. Now, think about yourself, if you gain a few pounds how do you feel? Do you beat yourself up, hate seeing photos of yourself and feel self conscious around everyone including your family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances? Yes? Me too. It’s like you are some how “not in control” or seen as somehow “less” because you allowed yourself to gain a few pounds. How sad. 😦
It’s like it’s such a big deal. Your face looks rounder, the belly is a bit fuller, the jeans are tighter, you can’t breathe because your bra is cutting into your chest in what must be the only good thing about gaining weight cause your boobs have grown too. Psychologically it sucks. You don’t want anyone to see you because you KNOW that in their heads they will be judging the shit out of you, just like you did that other person who gained weight. Why the hell do we do this? Why do we beat ourselves and others up because of a few pounds? Why are we so incredibly concerned with our image and feeling sexy or fit or slim? Why can’t we embrace ourselves? Why do we feel the need to be absolutely in control of what we eat and then beat ourselves up when we fail to do so?
I’ve been struggling a bit with my weight lately. I’m not sure what’s different, if it’s the meds I’m on, or if I’ve been eating just a bit shittier than normal, or if I’m just a lazy and can’t seem to get my act together about exercise. It’s a frustrating psychological battle. The desire to control our bodies, to control what we eat, when we exercise etc is tiring and then the energy I expend worrying about it and feeling stressed out. But for some reason I can’t seem to gain control of the situation at the moment and it’s sending me into a panic. I don’t want to be seen by friends, family and acquantainces because I know they’ll notice! And for some reason I have this incredible desire to look good or to look my best. I am vain!
So much self worth is tied into how I think other people perceive me. What the hell? Being human is totally bogus, amiright?! You have to maintain this old body just like you would your house or your car or pretty much everything because if left to its own devices you know that over time every damn thing goes to hell. And then the old body gets older and starts to breakdown regardless of your “maintenance” schedule. I feel like I have to treat my body like my car. Victoria, it’s time for an OIL CHANGE!! But there is no yearly inspection for my body. Well…there is, it’s called the Annual Physical, which you know is basically BS. And the only reason you really go (at least for us ladies) is to have our Va-jj’s checked out and to get refills for the year on all our meds. Otherwise they might slightly chastise you for not exercising enough, but that’s about it.
I’m over this whole “having a body” thing. It gets old. I guess in some ways it’s pretty sweet. Such as things like sex, back rubs, petting cats, cuddling, eating good shit, getting drunk or whatever. That’s all good stuff. But otherwise, there’s a lot of pain involved with having a body and a lot of pain in the ass shit to deal with too. I really can’t afford the payments on this old body of mine. It’s TOO EXPENSIVE!!
Also, as an aside, let me just tell you that Mr. VS has been driving me batty because lately he keeps saying, “I lost more weight!” DAMN HIM!! Boys are super evil. He claims that he’s been “working his ass off” at playing boy games outdoors and that it’s keeping him lithe. I guess sitting around inside with nose in book is not the way toward weight loss. WHY NOT!! Damn you PHYSICS!!
Anyway, so, (raising a glass of something filled with delicious calories) here’s to me feeling shitty about gaining a few lbs. *toast*!! (Food, where?!!) I’m going to honestly try not to have those evil thoughts about people gaining weight! I’m not going to judge or feel smug or feel pity or whatever! And I’m going to try to rock the fact that I’ve gained a few by strapping this old body into the tightest dress I can find (with some kind of full body stocking to keep the jiggle at bay) and rock the cleavage like nobody’s business because there are some benes to gaining a few.
And here’s to all of us constantly struggling and beating ourselves up over how we look. If nothing else, I can tell you that you’re not alone and I can assume you would say the same to me. Don’t deny that you’re HUMAN. I know you are! And yes we’re all very much the same, so stop thinking, “I’m nothing like that Victoria Sawyer!” Newsflash…you’re exactly like me!! HAHA!! Except for my loyal bot readers. Lucky bastards…all brains and no flab.