Sarcasm Central

I Abused Photoshop Just For You

Here’s another one of those things that just blows your mind.  PHOTOSHOP!!  I’m actually a photoshop user, but I don’t really abuse it like some people do.  I don’t flog the ‘shop.  However, for you, for today, I decided to do it.  Abuse!!  (Also this post is NEWLY updated, by popular demand, with the original photo at the bitter end of the post so you can judge for yourself….)

So I photoshopped the shit out of a photo of me.  Look at how GLAM I look?!!  Umm…but yeah…now it looks nothing like me.  Opps!  Guess that’s what PS is all about.

In which I have photoshopped myself into looking better

LAIR! FRUAD!!

So, the ways in which I have defiled myself in the name of photo vanity are these:

I whitened the shit out of my teeth (that sounds weirdly gross and disgusting put that way)

I slimmed down my chub face and made it all thin.  (Dreaming of you, you thin face!!  BAH!!)

I whitened the whites of my eyes.  And I enlarged my eyes too.  At first I went TOO far but then I scaled back on it a bit.

I totally skinnied down my arms and my butt.  And I increased my bust size.  BUST!!  However, it looks a bit strange, so I wasn’t exactly successful.

Admit it looks fake.  It does!  It’s those WHITE teeth that are totally over the top.  I went too far with my abuse.  Although anything is really abuse.  I didn’t however have to edit out any spots because duh, my skin now is a thing of beauty.  (Thank you Nicazel)

I did though, do some blurring/softening of my skin to make it look better.  I probably should have whitened up my shirt and pants and also smoothed out my hair some.

Jassus!  Everytime I look at it, I get a fright!  Who is that weird alien-headed being!  There’s something not quite right!  It feels like a ghost or something.  *Shivers*

Maybe  I made my chin too small?  At first I thinned the cheeks and then my chin looked huge, so I had to do some minor surgery to rectify the problem.  So…either this example shows you that photoshop can be abused in a way that is scary or…it shows you that I’m not used to doing this kind of abuse with photoshop (first time abuser/offender) and thus I suck at using the liquify tool and I went overboard on the whitening.  I think next I’ll do some really weird morphology.  Wait for it….

Waittttt….

 

A photo that has been altered to the extreme of me

HAHAHA!!

In this photo, huge ridic boob job (sorry to draw your attention to my unmentionables! The scandal!  But they’re only digital, sorry! (HA!! OMG)).  An unsuccessful nose job (although it doesn’t even look that different than my real nose!).  I fucked with my eyebrows, my eye color, hair color, lip color, face shape, arms shape, neckline, teeth, eye whites, butt, thighs (look at the edge of the chair!  IT’s all WARPED!!  So is the necklace!! I’m WARPED!!) etc.

I went mad!  MAD!!  So pretty! (HA!) It’s dumb because if it made you feel better, that would be stupid.  It’s not like I can use Photoshop to actually change my REAL life self.  I can just change this one instance of myself that you see.  So what’s the point?  I’m still walking around in real life, looking just like I look.  (I guess that’s where plastic surgery comes in?  But that’s not nearly so easy as PS!  And also…just why?  Why? Personally I think the extra-terrestrials made me beauti-ful just the way I am. Either them or my parents or genetics or monkeys or something).

AND…AND!!! Why the hell are there so many magazines with this weird shit out there?!  We should totally rise up and denounce them because they make everyone look like freakish aliens and extra-perfect robot people.  It’s really pretty scary.  And then we assume that there are REAL people who look that good/perfect.  Well, IT’s all LIES!!  LIES ALL LIES!!  No one looks that perfect or alien in real life.  I’m sorry, there are no aliens.  I’m just saying that to soothe you, BTW.  I don’t want you going into a frenzy because my blog post IMPLIED that aliens are real.  Besides implying is totally different than coming out and saying it.  So I feel safe (from your alien hatred/shaming/backlash/degredation/fear/etc)  Aliens are people too, you guys.  Stop hating.

Also see how carefully I’m planning and scheming to perfect the way you perceive me?  I’m manipulating you into thinking a certain way about me.  I’m very very clever.  Can you see that now?  I’m making myself soooooo hot in these pics.  That’s how I want you to see me…like Barney’s scale from How I Met Your Mother.  It’s called the Mendoza scale.  It’s a scale that measures your hot to crazy ratio.  Basically the hotter you are, the crazier too.  My ratio is clearly (from the pics above) super hot and also super extra crazy.  YES!  I am totally winning at life.

Listen, I’m not trying to say Photoshop is bad.  Photoshop is actually an amazing program and I have no problem if people want to eliminate a blemish or two or want to recolor photos etc, but changing your whole body and face is ridic.  It’s not that Photoshop is bad, it’s that people are bad!  Just like so many other things in this world, people are the abusers!  Also Photoshop is kind of like magic.  Look at the cool shit you can do with it!  Look how you can make yourself look all glam and/or alien!  Of course some of the alien-ness is due to my inelegance with PS.  It’s not PS’s fault that I’m a hack that just wildly goes in and makes ridic changes to myself.  Or it could be that I’m really an alien and I have just revealed my true self to all of you.  Surprise REVEAL!!  Don’t you just love surprise reveals?!

DID I?  Or Didn’t I?!!  Wouldn’t you like to know!AND…GET READY!!!  Here’s a photo that will give you NIGHTMARES!!  TRUE PHOTOSHOP ABUSE!!  HIGH LEVELS!!  TOXIC LEVELS!!  HAHAHA…look at that shit eating grin!!  (In all honesty, I think this photo just broke WordPress because this post is totes (ha!) acting weird now that I inserted that pic!  It’s like HAUNTED or something.

Oh well, enjoy!!  Also, please recognize the lengths I’ll go to, to satisfy you Angst readers.  I will photoshop myself into a beautiful monster just for you, I love you that much! Also I’ll admit I’m an alien to you, because you make me feel safe.  And that I’m pretty high on the Mendoza Scale.  Don’t you guys feel special and loved? (WHAT A TOUCHING DISPLAY!! Admit your hearts are feeling the warm fuzzies as they go pit-a-pat.  Then when you peek at the photo below, you feel the cold pricklies.  Shudder!! ALIEN!!)

Wait for it…..

Wait for it!!!!

GET EXCITED AND READY TO BE SCARED!!!

Scroll like a motha-fucka!!!

Scary photoshop image with large eyes and distorted head

AHHHH!!!! RUN AWAY!!! IT’s my TRUE FACE!!!! No-makeup selfie!! NOT!!!

 

Okay, okay, here’s the real actual photo…smile!!

actual un-touched photo of VS

Will the REAL Victoria Sawyer please stand up!!

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About Victoria Sawyer (281 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

5 Comments on I Abused Photoshop Just For You

  1. That was hillariuos!!
    To quote you again “It’s not that Photoshop is bad, it’s that people are bad!”
    Applies to all wonderful apps/tools out there!!

    Like

  2. I needed that laugh, thanks. Oh, the suspense of the final photo reveal! It was the white teeth in the first one that gave it that whole eerie Stepford Wives quality. And the original photo is gorgeous!

    Like

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