Sarcasm Central

Friend-cation and Camping Sucks

I just went on the most fun friend-cation ever!  BEST TIME EVER!!  YOLO fools!!!  (We were all about yelling YOLO about anything and everything because we hate it so much.  YOLO is dumb (as is Facebook and everyone’s obnox posts about themselves).  It’s something you’d yell while doing a keg stand, however it’s actually trying to be like…insightful and deep at the same time.  Dumb.  (However, fuckin’ YOLO bitches)

YOLO BITCHES!!In case you didn’t know (or are dense) Friend-cations are when you go on vacation with your friends and you live it up like drunkards, fiends and wild animals/cavemen.  We (myself and 6 friends) went to a lake and stayed in a camp ground.  We made foods over the fire like cavemen, laughed a shit-ton, played games, went swimming, laid in the sun (my tan is epic…for me that is), had camp fires with adult beverages and made smores…made with reese’s cups (totally dank, BTW) etc.  It was awesome, especially the camping in the rain bit.  And in this post, I’m going to share some of our genius with you.  We’re like the smartest people ever.  First off, this came out of my mouth one morning:

“I can’t have bacon because I don’t eat beef.”

What a gem!!  The mind power behind that statement is just….wow…off the scale.  WOW!!  Plus I totally eat bacon and so that statement was blatantly false on so many levels. Secondly, my friend said the following because my husband was wondering (also super smartly) how the hell ants find all the sand they use for their little mounds when there is NO sand in the vicinity.

“They have smaller hands than you, James. ”

There was no argument there.  They do have smaller hands, don’t they?  Genius!!!

We also played this game where we had to answer random questions about ourselves and then the person who asked the question had to guess who had said what.  Then at the end of each round we made it into a totally def poetry jam session.  It was all about the tone of voice and the timing of reading off our own answers all in a row.  Seriously, the genius that abounded was too much.  We all threw down the mike, like…shit…we awesome (and dirty as hell and outrageous as can be)!  YOLO BITCHES!!  Also…maybe you had to be there…maybe… and since I can’t do this as spoken word, you’re going to have to try to replicate the annoying sound of my voice in your head.  Can you do it?  CAN YOU!!??  If yes, read on….

Now in no particular order are some poems. BTW be warned that these are just filthy-stinking-gross things that we created around the camp fire.  YOLO.

Writing
Prostitution
Sun Bathing….Pizza
Clumsy Shit….Facial Area
Resting Bitch Face Syndrome
Kitten Love Bites….Cat Poop Emporium
Small Balls….Do Massive Drugs
I’m With Brostitute

Super Secret Nerd….Hippie Nipple
Ant Race…Eating Ice Cream
Chicken Nuggets and BBQ Sauce
Sticking My Very Large Foot, In My Very Large Mouth
My Tongue, Because Then Everyone Will Think You’ve Got the Herp
People Who Don’t Do Their Mother-Fucking Jobs
I am Excellent at Life….I’ve got a
Mote and A Drawbridge
Pure and Simple Douch-Baggery
and Some Robin Hood Shit
Fuck-Yea….That is All.

The Canoli
Ass Slapping
NBC Propaganda
Cheddar Wurst….Then Thinking I Might be Right…When Clearly My Wife is Right
My Boobs….Hoarding
Juggling….Camaro on Blocks
Running with No Inspection
Don’t Prosecute the Prostitute

Real Doll
Fuck You…A-Hole….Love you…Mean it…
Slots…Watching TV…
Misplace Things….On Top of a Birthmark
Porn Star…Crying Puppies…Waking up Early
Bald Eagle…Hairy Nipples…

Vast Void of Nothingness
Give Them Something Really Ugly Instead
Your Life – YOLO Bitches!
Everything – Fuck Off!
Needlepoint….Hit Me Baby One More Time
Love
Rotating Heart Shaped Bed

Just Wow.  WOWWWWWEEEE!!!  We’re soo special.

Also…let me just reiterate that camping sucks the big one.  It really does.  The bugs had their small hands all the frick over me.  ALL OVER!!  Even at night in the tent while trying to sleep their hands were everywhere.  I claimed that Mr. VS was having a bug party in our tent.  He invited all his friends.  One of his friends tried to get frisky with me (a goddamned moth) by trying to fly down my shirt and nestling in a blatantly sexual manner (VIOLATION!) against my breast. It was OUTRAGEOUS!

So there I was laying there miserably the last night we were there on our deflating air mattress in a bug infested tent….dirty (covered in smoke-smell from the fire, half washed off sunscreen, bug spray, hair all tangled and a mess) just wishing I could die.  It was…nasty!!  Mr. VS said that I should stop making myself miserable and I guess I was.  I was obsessing about how much I hate camping and how I always have to pee during the night which means I have to actually WAKE up and go to the bathroom.  I also hate it when it rains and you’re trapped in the tent or under a tarp or something.  Camping is also sooo much work.  You can’t just say…I’m going to eat in 20 minutes!  NO NO NO.  You have to do all this prep work to cook stuff, so you never eat on time.  As you can tell it was very much time for me to go home!!

And yet, every stinkin single year, I go again.  I do it all over again.  This time was better in that more people came and also we had some nice weather.  FYI there were ‘kini’s everywhere and the boys were totally oggling themselves silly.  Their brains were not in residence anymore.  They had checked out.  Boys have problems.  They don’t even recognize the MONSTER that comes over them in the form of sex-brain.  Maybe that should be another post.  Boy Sex Brain.  It’s like an alien species or a primitive one.  Jungle Monkey Boy Sex Brain.  Also I want to write about Resting Bitch Face.  I have this.  It’s a real problem.  OR maybe just being a bitch is a problem. It’s easier to just say that my face is a bitch.  It’s her FAULT!

Ok…the rambling must cease.  Anyway…just wanted ya’ll to know, first off:  YOLO and second off: I went camping, I’m a genius and so are my friends.  and Third:  I hate camping with all my heart.  Staying in a tent is inhumane.

 

Advertisements
About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

1 Trackback / Pingback

  1. I Am Full of Bullshit: My Best Quotes on Angst | Angst

Step right up, it's about to get crazy in the hizzy

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: