Sarcasm Central

Optimizing SEO for Maximum Angst

In learning recently about SEO, I’ve realized that I do a terrible job of catering to my old friend Google.  Or Bing or Chrome or Jeeves or Yahoo or whomever rules my online searchability status (they treat me like a peasant, when clearly I’m deserving of royalty status.  I am QUEEN!).  Honestly, I don’t like catering (by bringing them the whores de Vors on a silver platter) to these “4- horse Search Engines” (vroom) when it comes to my blog titles, because I prefer that my titles are batshit insane and less stodgy and boring.  However, stodgy and boring are what the Search Engine Slaves (the creepy crawly internet spider-bots) like.  Well…that’s not exactly true.  What they like is what PEOPLE in the world like and what they type into them.  In particular it’s their KEY PHRASES.  Like when you type into a search engine: “Why won’t my cats stop fighting?” or “What is this RED RASH ON MY LEG??” or ‘I’m DYING I KNOW IT!!”

For example, below are some precocious phrases that people have searched for when drunkenly stumbling about the internet.  The key here is that when they typed this crazy shit in, they fell into the dark pit that is Angst Anarchy:

Squid tortured (HUH?? I NEVER WROTE ABOUT THIS!!  I SWEAR!)
Tired of my pity party but not sure how to move forward (Yes, this is all me)
Gentleman lion and cat fight
Bowling finger injury
Bitchy Angst Status Facebook (HAHAHA!!)
Worst looking duck decoy paint jobs
My kitten annoys me
Icy Feet + Warm skin
When Life gives you shit
Depression Drawings
Suck at Bowling “Gutter”  (YUP)
A beautiful mess  (Hellz YES!)
Natural birth meme (???)
The worst temper
Mincing Hair??
Jelly Fish problem
Having a dream about a cat bite hair on my leg (??? WTF?)
Shenanigans Cat Reeders in Victoria (WHAT THE?  well…yeah…that about sums it up)

And thus, I say to you, Google searchers:

Everyone here is CRAZY!!

But honestly, no crazier than me. But I’m totally judging you all ANYWAY!! AHAHA…MWAHAHAHA!!

Now, most of those are just silly.  Clearly, I both write about some weird ass random shit (because my phrases are stupid and fucked up) and also people are searching online for strange things and thus finding their way to Angst.  And these aren’t even the dirty ones.  I don’t know how people find MY site by searching for dirty stuff.  GAWD!!  Get your mind out of the gutter!! (Unless it’s the bowling gutter, in which case, you my friend are home, get comfortable)

And thus, I feel that perhaps I should come up with some ACTUAL searchable phrases that I want to be associated with Angst.  Like officially.  Like, I’m going to plaster them into every single post and you’ll get super annoyed with me, to the point of detestation.  Or abandonment. Or wife-beating or intense hatred.  (Watch, when someone types wife beating into a search engine, this site will come up and CLEARLY I don’t approve of wife beating.  I do, however, approve of Valley-Girl speak and the overuse of “like”.)

This is what I hear about SEO:

It’s about: Architecture (i.e. site architecture not buildings), content and linking.  So thus my titles, content and even links need to contain my KEY PHRASES.  (We’re so over Key words these days.  It’s all about being super extra specific with PHRASES).

So…what phrases describe Angst?  And who the H is my target audience?

My target audience is those insane people who typed in all that weird shit.  I LOVE THOSE PEOPLE!  Even though I made fun of them and called them crazy.

Introducing ANGST KEY PHRASES:

  •  Everyone here is fucking crazy
  • My cats like to fight each other
  • My anxiety is stressing me out
  • I want to laugh until I puke
  • Marriage is awesome and funny and husbands are troublesome
  • I love crazy graphic design that makes you want to lay down for a while
  • Jelly Fish love GPS
  • Wife Competitions
  • I had too many drinks and then I was hungover and my friend alcohol bitch slapped me and karate chopped my stomach
  • I can’t stop making air quotes even when people make fun of me
  • Camping and drinking are ahmazing or Camping sucks
  • Looking for a job sucks the big one
  • Amateur hour has arrived, let’s get drunk
  • Pity parties require attendance
  • The bowling gutter is my natural habitat
  • I have anxiety and customized my therapeutic experience with a crime family and aliens (I’m not human)
  • Novel about crazy people and/or anxiety and/or panic attacks and/or frat parties and/or drugs
  • Sexy frat parties are fun (stop looking at PORN!)
  • Social media is hard to get on top of, but also can be a good time if you do it while drunk
  • Writing while drunk can also be fun but be sure to take precautions to edit while sober – Listen to Ernest!!
  • Lame, OMG, DAMMIT, GODDAMNIT, SHIT, ASSHOLE, BASTARD, OMG
  • I flogged Photoshop and yet it still made me its slave
  • Facebook is obnoxious and so are its inhabitants
  • It took me a long-ass time to learn a few beauty tips.  I’m not bright.
  • Also makeup is insane.  It’s the photoshop for the real world.  IT PUTS THE MAKEUP ON!!
  • Becoming a Self Published author is super extra difficult and sure to cause self-loathing so here are 101 steps
  • Blogging is easy if you just post whatever the hell you want and let the SEO fall where they may
  • Coherence be damned
  • Godsdammit! I’m a sci-fi nerd!
  • Art, depression and Pink Floyd.  Also fear and self-criticism.
  • The male of the species has deficiencies in his eyes
  • Rants about outer space and the UNIVERSE make me happy and upset (re: Afraid)
  • Existential meltdowns happen to me a lot (PANIC!)
  • I’m an English major and I can handle dangerous words
  • I used to be slim and aerodynamic, now I enjoy a weight gain extravaganza! PARTY!!
  • Also once I had a case of the “uglies” when I minced in heels and wore an outfit suited for a 12 year old girl.

WAIT A GOSH-DARNED MINUTE!!  Are those the same phrases as above?!

And thus, I am exhausted with coming up with phrases to spur my SEO.  Giddy-up SEO!! Giddy-up…giddy-up…giddy-up, little Angst SEO!!  I think I’ll just stick with those mad mad people who searched for weird shit above.  Because honestly, these phrases are just as full of madness.  That’s why I’m failing at attracting a consistent readership or “target market” because I’m ALL OVER CREATION!! I’m here, I’m there, I’m a little bit over there in east-overshoe (where the fuck is that??!), I’m a little bit in the ocean, in the sky and in the gutter, in love…with cats.  But… I love it…sooo much.  I won’t change a thing and SEO can’t make me.

So keep searching on weird ass shit and we’ll keep meeting up.  It’s our little weird kinky rendezvous!  That word is so sexy it hurts!!  THE SCANDAL!! Add that to my SEO Google!!

 

 

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

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