Sarcasm Central

A New Addiction Cometh: Coffee

I’ve recently added a new addiction to my collection: coffee. (I do collect addictions even though I make claim to NOT having an addictive personality. FYI, the things that I claim are always strongly suspect.)  Regarding Coffee, I never thought this addiction would happen to me. I thought I was immune to Coffee’s charms.  But alas, I find that the lure is now too strong.  The coffee siren song sings to me.  Coffee…Coffee…have some coffee.  I find myself thinking about it all day long.  Should I have coffee?  What about some coffee?  How about I brew up some coffee in the wasteful old Keurig? Is this headache caused by not having coffee?  Are my teeth turning yellow because of the brownness of coffee?  Should I have a bit more coffee?  Since I’m already a cup in, what’s the harm of one more?  I feel slightly tired, coffee?  This morning is boring, how’s about we wake it up with some…coffee?  Question, what do we want?  Answer, Coffee. STAT.

As you can see I have a very active mind.  Always thinking, worrying, thinking, wanting, obsessing, complaining.

And then, once I’ve OD’d on coffee…I’m like this:

ZING!! Woman has big eyes for Coffee!

ZING ZING!!!

HAHAAAAA…haha….haha…haha…ZING ZING!!  COFFEEE!!!!  EEEEE!!!!! WEEEEE!!!

It’s like a legal drug.  Well…at least at first.  Once you get accustomed to it…you find you need more.  It’s just like an addiction to drugs.  But they ALLOW this one in polite business company.  In fact, it’s encouraged.  They OFFER coffee to you.  They have devices for making it, within your office.  They push it upon you.  Want some coffee?  It’s like the 1960’s on Mad Men where they had decanters of alcohol IN THE OFFICE.  Wild!

What I want to tell my friends, “Dude, guy, holy shit, the other day I got super wicked fucked up on coffee!”

Want some delicious coffee?  You know you do.  Wanna get f'ed up in polite company?  While your boss watches on?

Want some delicious coffee? You know you do. Wanna get f’ed up in polite company? While your boss watches on?  Yea….buddy!!!

How is an addict to say no?  What is an addict to do?  At first I was seriously getting fucked up by coffee.  It was like a mind altering drug.  I couldn’t really concentrate but I did feel full of energy.  Easy tasks were accomplished with flair and boundless enthusiasm.  Unlike my normally crankiness.  But harder concentration-related tasks, like reading and actually comprehending were much more difficult.  I just kept getting distracted, like adult ADHD.

But now…just a few cups in and suddenly the fun exhilaration is no longer there!  There’s a slight trembling about my hands, but the mind-fuck is gone!  WTF!!  I don’t know what to dooooo!  Whether to have more to achieve my desired result or to cut back and therefore be able to get fucked up with just one cup again.  But it’s a slippery slope.  One cup and suddenly you’re in two cups deep and suddenly the next day you want a cup or two and it goes on and on.  Oh god.  I’m weak, so weak!

I’ve tried to cut back, I really have, but it’s escalating because it’s available EVERYWHERE.  Even at your local car dealership, or while you drive to work, or at the grocery store for purchase.  At least it’s legal.  That’s the only consolation.  I’m amazed that it’s allowed quite honestly.  As I was sitting at my desk, all zinged up on coffee, I was like…whoaaaa!  How can this be allowed, AT work!  No wonder everyone wants to drink this shit all day long!!  SIGN ME UP!!

ZING ZING!!!!  ZINNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!  I’m all AMPED UPPPP!!! WORDDDD!

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

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