Sarcasm Central

Tandem Sleeping

When I write Tandem Sleeping it makes me laugh.  It reminds me of slalom or something or for some reason bob sledding.  Why?  Why?

Anyway, I want to write about sleeping with someone else.  It’s weird.  In particular I’m going to tell you about sleeping with Mr. VS.  Doesn’t that sound like fun and/or inappropriate?   Don’t worry, it’s going to be clean, purely sleeping. (Disappointed are ya? I wouldn’t want to inappropriately titillate you.  I love that word).

I’ve “illustrated” my troubles for you, featuring Mr. VS and myself as lollipops.  Again, not dirty, stop going there.

Let’s start by going….back in timmmeeeeeeee…..(do-de-do-de or somesuch)

Image of me sleeping alone, spreadeagleAHAHAHA…first off it looks like the lolly’s head is floating.  Ridic.  Okay, so here’s my origin story.  I grew up sleeping upon my own full size mattress, like the princess and the pea.  I was…loving it.  Totally sprawled out, all by myself, spread-eagle in the bed.  I learned to sleep that way, I became accustomed to sleeping in the middle of the bed and being able to spread out as much as my little heart desired.

Then the unthinkable happened, I had to share a bed with a male of the species.  At first it wasn’t Mr. VS.  I know, it sounds terrible to say that, but yes, I was sleeping with another man before him.  I’m a horrible person (and we weren’t even married.  The SINNING!!).  Tandem Sleeping

We had a full sized bed for TWO people.  And I had to become accustomed to sleeping with someone else, which mean that I had to keep my arms and legs inside the cabin, so to speak.  I could no longer sprawl.  There was a learning curve for this and it took a while to get used to.  Eventually though, I retrained myself and now I sleep in a straight line most of the time on my belly.  In fact this retraining was so successful that now I feel uncomfortable sprawling.  I have to have arms and legs tight to the body for sleep to arrive and this can be quite hot at times, whereas sprawling would reduce the built up energy.

Now comes the part in the story where I sleep with Mr. VS.  Most of the time, sleeping with him is just fine and there are no problems.  But SOME nights there are issues.  First off, Mr. VS likes to sleep in a diagonal, with his feet on MY side of the bed.  He claims this is his way of putting out his “love tentacles” trying to gain love by touching me during the night.  Or sometimes it’s because he’s cold and I’ve refused to cuddle with him because I feel too hot.  Also stop trying to make Love Tentacles dirty.  You people!

One lollipop is putting it's feet on to the other's sideAs you can see, the love tentacles are on MY side of the bed.  This is unacceptable.  My feet have no room to breathe.  Not that feet DO breathe…but you know what I mean.

The next scenario requires me to tell you about the “gutter.”  Much like the gutter in bowling, this is a gutter in the bed.  After you’ve had a mattress for longer than 1 year, it seems that it forms a gutter in the middle of the bed.  Mr. VS likes to sleep in what I refer to as a “triangle” whereby he puts his butt in the gutter and is all curled up.  When his mass is in the gutter, it causes my mass to be attracted to the gutter and thus, I am pulled into orbit around his blackhole.  I can’t stop it. As you can see by my illustration, I’ve indicated the gutter, shown you the triangle AND you can see my little feeble arms trying to keep me from falling into the gutter completely.  But it’s a vain effort.  I am one with the gutter.

Mr. VS sleeps in a triange.The gutter enjoys punishing me by causing me back troubles because it’s not comfortable to sleep on an incline, trying to keep yourself from falling in.  Fighting gravity all night is lame.  Mr. VS has been vain enough to try to tell me that I’m causing the gutter with my large rear area.  However, this is quite impossible as he is the one who sleeps in a triange with his butt in the gutter and clearly he has more mass than I do.  Plus I sleep on my stomach, so my mass is spread out, not concentrated in the gutter.

Here, I’ve illustrated the triangle for your viewing pleasure, incase you weren’t catching it. It’s a freaking Isosceles or perhaps a Right Triangle.  One of the two.  I harrass Mr. VS about this sleeping pattern all the time.

I've illustrated the triangle.Here’s an illustration on how I try to avoid the massive pull of the gutter upon my sleeping form.  I attempt to sleep on the very extreme outer edge of the mattress where it’s still sort of firm.  It’s like the edge is still flat and then it starts to dip. Below I will insert an illustration of a side view of the gutter.  (Also FYI, Mr. VS and I slept on a FULL SIZED mattress for approx. 6 years.  We now have finally upgraded to a queen sized mattress and already after several years the gutter has made itself apparent.  The gutter in our old bed was nuts, it was soooo deep).

And thus I try to escape the pull of the gutterSide view of the gutterThere’s really only one thing you can do, when tandem sleeping (I want to write tandum, that’s my personal spelling of that word) and that’s to accept the blackhole and to do the old spoons.  Thus:

SpooningSo, as you can see, acceptance is a good thing.  Unless you’re overheating in which case, the spoons is the worst.  BTW, I like to be the big spoon as you can see in this photo.  HAHAHA.

The other thing I want to mention but am too lazy to illustrate (picture a photo of the two lollys on either side of the bed with heat waves radiating off them) is when you’re too hot in bed.  There are several ways to be too hot. Here’s a list:

a. Pizza Heat (and/or carb overload heat)

b. Dehydration Heat

c. Heat Heat (It’s hot outside, DAMN! and I feel like we don’t cuddle in the summer.  We don’t have AC, we’re living in the dark ages)

d. Alcohol Heat (which seems to be related to Dehydration Heat)

When you’re too hot, you avoid each other like the plague.  Sometimes it’s just one of you that’s too hot.  Sometimes it’s both.  Sometimes one is freezing and the other is dying of the pizza heat or the dehydration.  Sometimes you don’t even know you’re hot, but your skin is burning to the touch.

So…there you have it.  Illustrations of the trials and tribulations of sleeping tandem with someone else.  Don’t do it.  And if you must, get a large bed, at least a king size or California king.  Then maybe you can create your own gutter to sleep at the bottom of.  One on each side.  His and Hers.  Or whatever your situation may be.

Also don’t let animals sleep with you (I.E. Cats).  They will keep you awake with their pacing, playing, jumping, pouncing, purring, kneading, fur, antenna to the face (as Mr. VS calls the nose to nose action when the cats tickle him with their whiskers).  We keep those naughty cats OUT!!  They think our room is a “special” place because they never get to go there, so they try to sneak in all the time and cause mayhem.  Particularly Bitey who doesn’t like to be told what to do.  He has all manner of tricks and stratagems for getting into our room at night when we get up to use the restroom (and are fumbling about in the dark.  Plus as I recently told Mr. VS, I am not only Mentally Ill, I am also Handicapped because I’m so blind that if I don’t put on my glasses when I get up in the night, there’s double-trouble).

For example, (back to Bitey’s stratagems) he used to just wait outside the door and dart inside once it opened.  But we got smart and started opening the door slowly to see if he was there.  And then we pushed his ass away from the door.  Which sometimes was unsuccessful if he was feeling particularly frisky and clawy.

Now he knows to wait just a bit further away, so we cannot see him in the dark and thus he sprints inside our room.  Almost every morning there is a “Dammit!” muttered as he darts inside.  Once inside he creates hell for the sleeper.  He picks on the bed with his claws, he tries to get inside the night stand, he darts about the room, he jumps on the bed and races around.  It’s miserable.

So don’t let cats inside if you value your sleep.  Although those bastards are super tricksy, so good luck with that.

Finally, and in closing, I love sleep, I adore sleep.  It’s the best invention ever.  So all of these aforementioned issues are hurting me to the point of SUFFERING (I suffer a lot, also, did you know that Mr. VS and I are in the third ring of our marriage?  First comes the Engagement Ring, Then the Wedding Ring and then the Suffer-ring).

I ask you, Angst Readers, how am I to be beautiful and serene, if I cannot attain my necessary beauty sleep?  I blame my ugliness and crankiness on Mr. VS and the cats.  And my thoughts, and my body temp etc which I cannot seem to regulate at night, despite drinking massive quantities of water during the day.  BLAST IT!!

I am now exhausted.  It’s nap time.

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

4 Comments on Tandem Sleeping

  1. Let me start off by saying that I too grew up sleeping in my own full sized bed and cannot share it politely with others even to this day. Secondly, the struggle of “the gutter” is almost too real to handle and I often resent my boyfriend for subsequent back pain from it. Not to mention he slides into the gutter, leaving me only a small corner of the bed from which I often fall. Thirdly, your illustrations are awesome and hilarious and quite true. This is amazing, please never stop what you’re doing here!


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