Sarcasm Central

Profanity: A Pretty Word for…

F-Bombs, Shit-words, Bastards, Bitches, Whores (nope, not a swear), Assholes, Etc.  Profanity just sounds so classy.  Here’s what I want to know:  What the HELL is wrong with profanity?  Why can’t I drop an F-bomb on your ass(hole) now and then you bastard?  Hmmm?  Do tell?  It’s not like I’m trying to be mean to you…I’m just ya know…expressing my-self.

As you probably know from this blog, I tend to swear a lot.  I have “problems” in quotes with swearing. I really like it.  For you know, EM-PHA-SIS.  For me, they are just words, but words that are slightly naughty or badass or likely to capture exactly how I feel when I’m being extra dramatic.  Like instead of wearing a cardigan, I’m wearing a leopard print skin tight tank top. Or instead of lace I’m wearing black leather.  That’s how I prefer it.  I want to get your attention.  Basically I’m an attention whore.  (still not a swear word!)

So here’s what I want to know…in this day and age, why oh why are we still so offended by certain “words”?  We act as if these words had power on their own.  As if they were hurting people by just being there for emphasis.  They are JUST words, just like any other word on this page.  They just happen to have some meanings that are graphic in nature, although I tend to use them to just sound cool.  So what?  That’s like saying, I hate the word Racist.  Or I any other word that means something negative or otherwise less than pretty.  Fuck that shit.  Yo.

Here’s what made me think to write about Profanity.  I’ve been looking at purchasing a domain name and hosting service for another website (again, a website all about me the narcissistic attention whore).  While looking I found a website post that walks you through how to set up a domain and self hosted WordPress site through Blue Host.  Since thus far I have no preference to what company I use, I thought Blue Host sounded like something to check out.  Oh and on a side-note, while reading the article about how to set up WordPress, it mentioned that Blue Host doesn’t host porn on its site and how that’s good because you don’t want to be on the same server as porn.  As if porn will somehow infect you?  Or you will be associated with porn?  I guess what they mean is that porn is bad and we can’t allow it on servers? Or we only join “clean” servers?  I guess we don’t want our computers to get STD’s or worms.

Anyway…this made me curious about their rules and regs for signing up with them. If porn isn’t allowed, what about swearing like an old timey sailor? Honestly I was surprised I was even asking myself this question because I don’t think swearing is a big deal.  The fact that there are even words you aren’t supposed to say is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard…but I know society, so thought I’d better look this up.  Because as we know, I can’t be hosted somewhere that doesn’t allow profanity.  I am PROFANITY.  I am fuckety-fuck-fuck-asshole-shit-bitch.

So I check it out.  YUP!!!  Profanity is not allowed! WHAT THE!??  What about FREE SPEECH?  Free profanity?  Free swearing?!?  It says right in their wordy-ass legal mumbo-jumbo that you can’t swear on a site hosted by them on their server.  Although it does say they won’t be trolling all the sites hosted by them to look for swears, however if somehow you are found out, they can pull the plug on all your delicious swearing on the interwebs.  Sad!  So sad.

Listen, I’m not a bad person.  I come from a religious family.  I try not to have a potty mouth at work or when my parents or grandparents or conservatives are around.  I don’t try to offend people on purpose.  However, I like words a hella lot and swear words are words too, like I said, used for em-pha-sis or to get a point across or to just plain old explain to you how crazy-weird-excited I can get.  For example, check out these famous first lines in classic novels and then see what a little profanity can do to punch that shit up:

Call me Ishmael. —Herman Melville, Moby-Dick (1851)

Call me Fucking Ishmael, bitches.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. —Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813)

It is a fucking truth, universally acknowledged, that a single rich fucker in possession of a dope-ass fortune must be in want of a goddamned trophy wife.

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. —Charles Dickens, David Copperfield (1850)

Whether I’ll turn out to be da fucking bomb-diggity or whether that job will be held by some other asshole, these pages must show.

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself. —Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway (1925)

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the goddamned flowers herself.  Damn you!

I had the story, bit by bit, from various people, and, as generally happens in such cases, each time it was a different story. —Edith Wharton, Ethan Frome (1911)

Bitches be gossipin’

Elmer Gantry was drunk. —Sinclair Lewis, Elmer Gantry (1927)

Elmer Gantry was fucking drunk. Nuff said.

Anyway, who will tell me that I can’t swear?  Who has been offended who cannot turn their eyes away from the evil harmful swears and just leave them in peace?  Has a profanity-laced blog post ever harmed anyone, really?  Okay, maybe if directed at said person in a hurtful manner.  Like if I straight up called you a bitch, you could be offended.  But I didn’t.  I just flavored, oh so delicately, my prose (ha!) with a few swear words.  It’s like when the recipe says, add salt to taste.  I added swears to taste and it tasted just right, goldilocks.  So buzz off.  (Also…sticks and stones bitches!) (I’m so juvenile)

Anyway, I’m surprised.  I guess the kindly nice world doesn’t do swearing.  But I do.  I do that shit all the time.  Sometimes Mr. VS has to tell me to stop swearing when I get too excited.  I just like expressing myself in potentially offensive ways that aren’t really offensive at all.  I guess if swears were considered regular words they would lose all their power and then where would I be?  I would have nothing to shock you with.  I would have no french tickler.  I’d have to come up with something else.  Alas, fuck. I guess I’d better be glad the world doesn’t like them too much cause otherwise my writing would be soooo vanilla.  I would be wearing a pinafore and kid gloves and we all know I don’t roll that way.

Look, here’s a perfect olden days classic quote for how I feel:

They’re certainly entitled to think that, and they’re entitled to full respect for their opinions… but before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself.  The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.”  ~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

See…my conscience says that I should swear.  Case fucking closed.

 

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

16 Comments on Profanity: A Pretty Word for…

  1. This is an awesome post. I cuss like a sailor, as well. Your quotes were hilarious. Have you read the Catcher in the Rye? You wouldn’t need to add cuss words to the quotes;)

    Like

  2. LOL at Call me Fucking Ishmael, bitches.
    I feel the same. Swear words are just letters arranged in a particular order. Swearing doesn’t make anyone less intelligent or a bad person. Some people get offended too easily.
    Stay true to yourself, bitch.

    Like

  3. People who get all bent out of shape over swearing crack me up. I find the best way to verbally eviscerate anyone not to swear. Swearing is for fun!

    Like

  4. OK, your rewrites of classics are so hilarious that I’m still laughing, choking on my coffee and can hardly type… 😀

    Like

  5. Bahahaha, you’re amazing!!! “Whether I’ll turn out to be da fucking bomb-diggity or whether that job will be held by some other asshole, these pages must show.” That would be in my book if it wasn’t a total ripoff from you. But yeah, I’ve never understood prudishness concerning cursing. Like maybe if you’re in church? But actually one of my parish priests said “shit” during my confession once. So maybe church is fine too. The fact that a web service won’t allow swearing though… like wtf is that?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This has to be by far one of the most entertaining rants I’ve read in my time reading blogs. Bravo since it’s not easy to keep me interested. It’s been medically proven that swearing due to pain or trauma or anger actually reduces stress and blood pressure. That’s awesome. I personally don’t take to swearing, but I will admit that when I went in to labor, throwing out 3 loud F bombs while pushing the little guy out helped big time. And hell, if you piss me off, no way will I let my blood boil without using the good ‘ol swearing technique to soothe the soul. A very fun blog.

    Like

    • HA!! I love that you’re touting the health benefits of swearing! Awesome! Yes, that’s going to be my excuse from now on when I swear and Mr. VS gets up in arms…I’ll say…I’m staying HEALTHY!! $%&*!!! Don’t you WANT me to be healthy??? Clearly you don’t LOVE me if you don’t want me to be healthy and swearing is PROVEN, MEDICALLY, to be healthy. Sweet…now I have the argument all mapped out. Thanks!!

      Like

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