Sarcasm Central

Submitting to the Sickness

Per usual I have obtained through no fault of my own (I swear) my typical September Cold.  YEEEHAWWW.  So very thrilling I can’t even contain myself as I wave my tissue pom-poms in the air with a barely mustered excitement.

I don’t know what it is, but as soon as September rolls around I always catch something.  It’s so fucking annoying I could scream.  This is why I hate fall/winter.  However, I really actually love fall so why is fall ruining it for me?  ANYWAY, the REAL reason I want to tell you about something as boring (to you, but obsessive to me) as my September cold is how to treat a cold.  You need to treat a cold like a lady.  Not like a harlot.  I’ll tell you why below.

Your typical response to a cold is to fight it.  Death to colds!  How DARE you attack me you BASTARD!  You get angry when the faintest tickle of a sore throat appears, you rant and rave and continue to go to work because goddamn it a cold won’t keep you down!  You are a FIGHTER!!  FUCK YOU COLD!!  EAT MY SHIT!!

But then after a day or two of the sore throat the real cold-bomb hits.  And it’s massive, earth shattering, body racking.  You are exhausted, tired, snotty and a terrible gross mouth breather.  (EWW you are DISGUSTING!).  But still you fight it.  Still you treat your cold like a harlot.  You mistreat it, you continue to make it go to work on the streets.  You refuse to be kind-hearted  No Daddy Warbucks for you COLD!!

But what you NEED to do is treat your cold with respect, like how you’d treat a girl you wanted to take home to mother.  And by respect, I mean you need to stay home with that cold for at least 1 day (like taking your cold on a sweet date with your bed.  Kinky!).  You must do this ALL DAY.  And I don’t mean a day of catching up on shows or shoving your nose in a book or reading emails or surfing the web or doing yard work or whatever you crazy people do while at home.  Don’t even scoop the litre-box.  Don’t do it!  What you need to do is SUBMIT to the cold.  Give it what it wants.  GIVE IN!  And what it wants is exactly what you have been fighting against.

It wants REST.  The greedy bastard.  You have no time for rest! But you must MAKE time for rest.  You must give in to the cold and do what it wants. This is a date for YOUR cold afterall, not for you, so please, just do as the cold says.  Listen to the cold and force yourself to lay down in your bed and close those little peppers.  If it’s day time, which typically it is, you might need a mask or something like some kind of prima donna.  But you must climb into bed and go to sleep.  Force thyself to sleep.  Do not let thyself out of the bed for hours and hours.  Even when you wake up and feel guilty and like you should get up, DON’T!  Don’t you dare move a muscle!  JUST LAY THERE!!  GIVE IN!!  STOP FIGHTING IT!!  You are so freaking stubborn it’s not even funny.  You should treat your cold with more respect!

If you do this for at least ONE day, your battle against said cold will be far less severe.  I know, it feels wrong to submit, to give in to the cold, but it’s the only way to really combat it.  And you do want to give the cold a run for its money don’t you?  You do want to fuck with it by playing a little reverse psychology?  I know you do, because someday you’re gonna marry that cold, girl.  Whatever.

Please forgive my stupidity.  It’s the last remnants of the cold talking.  I submitted earlier this week and now the Cold has gained control (or so she thinks!).  But not really because secretly I’m preparing to give her the old HEAVE-HO!  I’mma start treating her like a harlot again because her time is pretty much up.  (And she thought this was gonna last, loser!)

I’m feeling stronger, better, faster, wordier than ever before.  I wave my snot-rag-pom-poms in YO FACE!! EAT THAT SHIT, COLD!  I’m almost back on my game again and you my pretty are almost BACK on the STREET!! Don’t come crying to me with your problems COLD.  We’re no longer an item, ergo I no longer listen to your stupid demands.  You can find someone else to take you home to mother cause my respect has RUN OUT! (It was just a game to me Cold, just a little game, and I won!! HAHAHAHA!!MWAHAHAHA!!)

p.s. {Whispered} Don’t hate the player Cold, hate the game.

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on Submitting to the Sickness

  1. I go to work sick ALL THE TIME.
    I feel guilty when I take off even when I have the plague.
    Feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

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