Sarcasm Central

A Wooden Anniversary with Hiking

Trees and SkyMr. VS and I just celebrated our “Wooden” Anniversary.  For those not in the know, a wooden anniversary is 5 years and Mr. VS and I are enjoying wooden wedded bliss  Thus we celebrate.  It’s lame because once you get up there in years for anniversaries you get to have silver or gold anniversaries, a la precious metals.  We’re having a wooden one (renewable resource?) and we celebrated by going into the woods and almost getting lost.  Almost.  Very appropriate right, we were surrounded by wood.  BTW…what’s the next anniversary?  Plutonium?  Aluminum?  Plastic?  Vinyl?  Polypropylene?  Stone? Concrete? Pleather? Glass?

We went hiking.  I don’t really “do” hiking though.  Once I was telling one of my cousins about how I’ll walk through the woods all day but I don’t go uphill and she said, oh me too, I only hike horizontally, I don’t hike vertically.  This is me too.  The only way I’m going vertical is if a plane is struggling to lift my fat ass off the ground and into the air or maybe an elevator or escalator.  But for some reason I agreed to hike, mostly to appease Mr. VS.  So we went on this hike and I should have known ahead of time that it wouldn’t be fun but all I focused on was the part where it said…short hike.  Yeah…short, but straight the fuck up like climbing never ending stairs.  Why would I want to climb a bajillion flights of stairs?  That’s right, I don’t. Just like every other fucker in a high rise office building, you take the damn elevator.

Mr. VS was like…you’re complaining like crazy but you know you’re having fun.  Then I informed him that if I am going to hike, there is going to be a lot of bitching/complaining/whining and the like.  That’s how I hike.  It somehow makes it slightly less horrible and it’s part of the package deal that is me while hiking.  So basically whoever hikes with me, has to accept this or else don’t ask me to go hiking. Mr. VS should know this after 5 years, but I think he conveniently forgets until we’re hiking again.

Once we got to the top of this ledge thingy, the view was pretty sweet.  However views don’t really “do” it for me (notice the use of excessive quotation marks around “do”).  Like a view is all fine and good, but why would I want to suffer just for some view from high up?  Eh?  Some people act like it’s a high or something to climb and see a view.  No.  Just no.  I would prefer to walk through the woods.  That’s how I enjoy nature.  I DO NOT enjoy nature through huffing and puffing, starting and stopping, struggling to climb a million stairs and then struggling to breathe while trying to enjoy/appreciate a view that I don’t need.

Explain to me our obsession to see things from above?  Why?  Why?  How come no one just wants to enjoy things from down low?  It’s not really a THING to want to hike horizontally, but I think it’s far superior.  It really is.  I am communing with nature, not struggling as I stare at my feet while I try to place them in a safe position so I don’t die.  Also how can you enjoy anything while your legs are threatening mutiny from the rest of your body?  Or your lungs are declaring they want their own constitution and to cede from the union?!

I don’t buy it that vertical hikers are “enjoying” nature.  They aren’t!  BULLSHIT! Those sick fucks are racing to get to the top so they can feel like King of the Mountain and lord it over everyone by bragging about all the “hikes” they’ve done.  Sick bastards! They are soooo conceited.  They need THERAPY!  Thus horizontal hiking is ALL about enjoying nature, meditating, being peaceful and actually taking the time to look around and not worry about dying constantly or trying to race or feeling superior to other humans, animals etc.  I want to hear someone say…I did this really awesome horizontal hike the other day.  Or I hiked the entire “presidential” valley or some such shit. (Also horizontal hiking fulfills my lifelong laziness initiatives.  So that’s important.  Goals are important, right?)

When we started climbing down Mr. VS thought he’d be smart and try to make his own path.  He’s trying to assert his uniqueness, I guess or thinks he’s mountain boy (or goat).  He starts going off in another direction than the way we came up and I’m like…WTF dude?  He’s like…this will be faster, I swear it!  Sure.  I’ve heard that one before.

So we’re going down hills so steep that I really really don’t want to have to haul my ass up them ever again when suddenly the trail begins to narrow.  I call Bullshit on Mr. VS and he’s got this look on his face…like…opps! But also I can tell he’s loving it.  I tell him, if we keep going and this shit runs out, I will beat you because I am not going back up to try to find the REAL trail.

And guess what happens?  The trail runs out and we’re just hanging in the straight up woods.  NO trail.  Not acceptable.  Mr. VS is like…oh yeah, the trail is like right over there, no worries.  I’m having worries (and am voicing them loudly with complaints and curses) cause that’s how I roll in the woods when semi-lost.  I don’t go off book in the woods, like I might in other arenas of my life.  I’m very conservative in the woods.  A straight up woods-prude.

So then I’m all telling Mr. VS to get out his phone and put on the GPS and see where the hell we are and figure out how to get back to the trail.  Mr. VS’s desire was to take us on some goat path and have us end up in timbuck-fucking-tu.  I know it.  He loves taking the “long cut” and calling it a short cut.  I know his ways, we’ve been married for a wooden number of years after all.

So…he gets up the GPS and we find our way and after a while of breaking trail in the VIRGIN woods we find the trail again.  And then I let gravity pull me down the mountain.  I would have preferred just laying down and rolling all the way down to avoid the effort but it seemed like that would probably hurt like hell, so I tried to use my feet instead. Finally we came out somewhere and then were lost for a millisecond until finally we found the car again.  Then I was exhausted and told Mr. VS that I was now allowed to eat/drink whatever I wanted for the rest of the day because I got my damn exercise.

We had booked to stay at a hotel, so went there next and then ate and drank ourselves silly.  Or mostly I drank myself silly cause it’s also part of what I do.  We stayed in one of these boutique hotels with no elevator, so we had to haul our asses up 2 flights of stairs to our room with our bags.  But it was pretty good.  Then we proceeded to eat/drink, eat/drink, spend money, eat/drink, buy shit, drive around, etc.  That’s basically what vacations are.

I wish there was something else interesting to tell you about this.  But there isn’t.  Not really. All I really wanted to tell you are these 3 things:

1. Horizontal hiking is where it’s at.  Vertical hikers are not really “enjoying” nature.  There’s no enjoyment while almost dying every 2 seconds (i.e. of heart attack, asthma, falling vertically (either up or down), twisting an ankle, watching your feet and missing a really important sign, bears, wolves, marital discord, being lost, falling off a cliff, husband/wife beatings, body betrayals and/or civil war of the lower extremities to the head, etc).

2. Mr. VS and I have been married for 5 years.  I’m declaring our next anniversary will be deemed a light metal, like aluminum.  HOLY SHIT!  I just realized I’m a genius, cause I looked up the anniversaries and 10 years is totes aluminum.  Fucking weird ass shit!  Actually I’ve changed my mind, I want my next anniversary to be polyisocyanurate.  Look that shit up smarties!

3. Mr. VS can’t be trusted.  He’s a good navigator but too often he likes to take the long cut and go off book in the woods.  That’s not how I roll in the woods.

Finally, FYI, I’m no longer built for even mild partying (my rating has taken a nose-dive because I used to be rated for hard partying).  How fucking lame is that.  I’m angry with my body for this aging it keeps wanting to do without my consent.  Like just one weekend of eating/drinking whatever the fuck I want and not sleeping well and my body is all cranky and shit for a few days. I’m OVER IT BODY!!  I have to go to work to rest and relax from my vacation.

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

6 Comments on A Wooden Anniversary with Hiking

  1. I love that you kept the wooden theme even though it was a pain in the ass.
    My one year wedding anniversary is coming up in December. The one year is the PAPER anniversary. I think toilet paper counts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • HAHAHA. Yes Toilet Paper sounds appropriate for a 1 year anniversary. You could gift it to each other? Or go to a store and buy some? You could buy one of those enormous bales they sell at the Costco-like places.


  2. Climbing up things is total nonsense. Alex is always trying to get me hiking and I’m like, “Just because you’ve lived in Florida forever and the Allegheny’s are ‘cool’ to you, doesn’t mean I should be punished.” I’ve been on top of (and have almost fallen off of) many mountains around my area, and quite frankly I’m sick of them. Not to mention I’m deathly allergic to poison ivy, so I try to avoid anything that might try to kill me.

    Liked by 1 person

2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Nature’s Fail: Exercise | Angst
  2. Myspace to My Place ~ a love story | Angst

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