I think my Brain might be hiding things from me. In fact, I know my brain is hiding shit. Have you ever really given your brain a thought? Brains are weird-ass shit. I started thinking about my brain in the middle of the night the other night, I know, extremely random, and what I was thinking about were dreams and the parts of the unconscious brain that we don’t see on a regular basis. I was comparing our brain to a computer and how all we see is the user experience. It makes me laugh cause I see lots of jobs for people who create “user experiences” online and it made me think of the brain and how it creates a user experience for each of us and for the most part we don’t witness the inner workings of how we came by this user experience.
Weird, eh? Plus the thing with dreams is that they are so freaking weird. Why? I can dream of someone I haven’t thought about in ages in my waking life and suddenly they’ll be in my dream. Or weird situations or things that can’t happen in real life come out in my dreams. Ever since I’ve been back on anxiety meds I’ve been remembering my dreams more than ever before and they are so freaking weird! It seems like a lot of times they have to do with some kind of underlying emotion. Like, I’ll often have dreams about locking doors or trying to be safe, so for some reason I must believe the world to be a scary place? Yeah..probably pretty true for me…Ms. Anxiety Queen.
It’s a little unnerving to think that ultimately we’re not in control of our brains. Because we think we are in control. But think about all the processes that you simply don’t understand, think of everything that must go into you doing pretty much anything. All that stuff happens behind the scenes in your brain’s inner workings. And not one of us really understands how this all works. What if our brains are hiding something from us? Or lying to us? Or creating a faulty user experience?
Sometimes I get freaked out by the idea that I’m the only “real” person in the world. I think we’ve probably all thought about this at some time or another, where you realize that you’ve only ever been inside your own head and therefore other people might not actually exist and might just be there for you to interact with. I’m pretty sure this idea is bunk, and it’s actually pretty scary to think of. I don’t want to be the only person here! There’s a bit of comfort in the fact that we’re all in this together or that we’re all the same and experience many of the same things. (Side note: Do we really experience the same things? It would seem yes since you can find people who have had the same experience. But really what if their brain creates a different user experience than yours does?)
That being said, sometimes I do wish I could escape. I’m not sure where this idea came to me, but I have this idea that I should be able to escape this place and no longer be dependent on it. But I am completely dependent and that can actually make me feel really trapped! I am trapped here in this body, on this earth. And I’m not sure I can exist without my body. It would be nice to know for sure that we can exist separate from our physical forms, but we don’t know that for sure. Just give that a thought for a moment…your existence right now is entirely tied to your brain and the planet that supports the function of your body, i.e. air, water, food, etc. Do you feel just a bit trapped? What if everything goes to hell in a hand basket? This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to watch Doomsday Preppers because I feel the need to prep for the end! But really, how can any of us prep for the end of our bodies? We don’t know what will happen.
My brain is a mystery to me. Should I at least understand it since it’s MY brain? One would think. I should know how it works and why it does what it does, but I don’t. I’m just experiencing the end result of my brain, I’m not consciously aware of what’s going on up there. I just trust that my brain is feeding me the truth and giving me an accurate representation of the world. In fact though, what if the world doesn’t even exist? What if in fact we really are just extremely complex machines? Made of out certain types of molecules. That could totally be true! We just don’t have the technology to get close to the kind of technology that we are. (Do-de-do-de! What if we are machines made by an ancient civilization?!!! Mind blownnnn! Thanks BG!)
We tend to think of ourselves as apart from technology. We think of ourselves as biology, but what if biology is just a kind of computer made of different kinds of parts? Man…the computer, our brain, does a pretty good rendering job, huh! In fact I’ve got a pretty sweet sound card, video card etc. I like to think about the complexity of my cat. How perfect he is, how perfect his fur, his eyes, his design. He’s pretty exquisite. So am I, so is everyone else out there. When it come down to it, we’ve all got bodies and brains. That sounds gross, somehow. Ew.
When I really think about it, I feel like I’ve just been housed in here with my brain in this body. Like maybe there is a way to escape someday? I mean, what the hell is this place? Why the hell are we here? I feel like every few months I have an existential breakdown where I wonder these same things but in different words. I just want answers. Is that too much to ask? But no, mystery abounds! I can’t stand not knowing the mystery. I need to be able to get to the end of the book and find out what happens.
I want to watch these Ted Talks about the brain to find out more. I’m really quite fascinated by the brain, the mind etc. I think my prepping needs to concern how best to find a way out of this place where I need to have a body. That would be my episode on Doomsday Preppers. How I’m going to upload my consciousness or some such shit so that it can’t be destroyed when my body is destroyed at the end of the earth or during some disaster. I’m surprised no one has done an episode like that! I know…the technology doesn’t exist, but will it someday? Will metal computers (so to speak) be able to interface with biological ones? We’ve still got a long way to go to understand this biological computer we’re a part of, but maybe someday it will happen. Cool, eh?!
I say this but at the same time I do wonder if it’s possible. We seem like computers, but what if there’s an added part that makes us different than a machine, like the part that gives us free will and makes us each different and individual? That’s what I like to imagine, that there’s something else. That consciousness itself is an entity. Or our soul? I dunno. I like the thought though. I don’t like to think this is it, here on earth. That would be pretty depressing. There has to be more. Or else why the mystery?
Personally I think God is some kind of hacker, like a computer hacker. He’s hacked the system and made us. Maybe? I dunno. Cool thoughts though, right?
You know what does annoy me about my brain? I’m pretty sure I’ve written a post just like this and I can’t remember, although I do know I’m super unoriginal at times and repeat myself like crazy. Mostly because all this shit is STILL a mystery! How can I come to terms with it or close the book or whatever if I can’t even find any answers? Thus I am a broken record and my brain says, who cares if you already wrote about this? Write that shit again in different words and don’t bother going through the archives to see. Well, okay brain, you might be right. I don’t have the energy afterall to look through the archives. And besides I’m gonna keep writing this shit until someone gives me some damn answers.
Dammit, I demand answers! I deserve answers! You hear me Universe. Give up your goddamn juicy secrets, STAT!! I can just see the Universe sitting up there giggling because it’s got a juicy drama-filled secret and it’s thrilled we don’t know it. We need a gossip date, the Universe and I and then I can milk all the secrets from the Universe when it’s had a few too many cocktails.
One other thing I need to know is how I end up writing so much? I start out with maybe 3 paragraphs and before you know it, I’ve got goddamned 1485 words! WTH?! It’s like it grows and grows and multiplies. And yet again, a question with no answers because my BRAIN is hiding this shit from me. Either that or I should learn to control myself. Eh…self control isn’t high on my list because there are questions that need answers. Forget self control, there are more important tasks at hand, like wheedling information from the stingy gloating Universe.
Cocktails? mmmmm…urrmmmm…yummmm. Gossip Sesh….mmmhmmm. Gonna mark my calendar Universe. Don’t you dare stand me up again.