Sarcasm Central

Satan’s Girlfriend…at the Office

Funny Blog Friday #FBF

Happy Friday Denizens of Interwebs City! I greet you from Funny Blog Friday’s (#FBF) first ever Blog Hop Party! WHOOP!! We’ve got so much fun stuff for you today including some excellent funny blogs to read while you should be doing other things AND some excellent giveaways to enter and win. Are you jumping excitedly yet? START NOW!! (don’t worry, I wrote this on a different day and not at 8 am. This will become clear later… and I do understand if like me you just cannot jump for joy at 8:00 am).

Introducing for the first time ever on Halloween: Pitchfork image

Satan’s Girlfriend…at the office

When you’re Satan’s girlfriend, life isn’t easy. It’s not all fire and brimstone and shit all the time. It’s hard because society has certain expectations. For example, it’s really hard not to slap someone silly for being annoying or stupid when out and about in polite society.

Damn polite society and their mincing fake liar-ish ways! For example, I can’t wear my horns to the office. I want to, but unfortunately the peons there would get unnecessarily scared and offended if I did and we’d get absolutely no work done, so I have to leave them off. It’s a sad state of affairs when Satan’s Girlfriend can’t get no respect and I can’t even be myself because society is so damn prissy.

Halloween costume, vampire with red horns and blood

Here I am, being myself. Too bad I can’t be MYSELF in the office.

Regarding the office, let’s talk about morning at the office. Bright and early at 7:50 am when I roll in. Firstly, I’m real grouchy in the morning. I just can’t help myself and this is because:

  • I’m not a morning person
  • It’s likely that I slept like shit and am tired
  • I have “lady bit issues” AKA Endometriosis (look it up! You’ll feel sorry you gave me shit!)
  • And finally the morning just isn’t my jam.

The morning is all bird song and happiness and sunshine and don’t worry be happy. No. That’s not me. I like hard rock, dirty rap, parties and all things evil and of course that means night time. See…morning…Not at all my jam.

I want to be in BED in the morning, not at work, or driving to work or getting ready for work. Nothing to do with work should sully my morning at all. But alas, it does, it dirties up my day 5 days per week. This is frankly, bullshit. (Unfortunately those dating Satan still have to work for a living. He’s a stingy bastard).

The worst part about morning not being my jam is that there are a lot of people in the office who enjoy morning immensely. They are literally rocking out to morning and bird song. *shudder* They love it so much that they go around with a big freaking smile on their faces, chatting loudly and laughing with co-workers, while I’m moodily staring at my computer screen waiting for that bitch to boot.

And these people think my response to morning is annoying? At least I don’t go around putting my negative bad mood on them, not like they do. They come around to every office shining their disgusting hideous blinding sunshine wherever they go. That’s annoying.

Then before I’ve had a chance to boot myself, they’ll be at my desk with smiles and “Good Morning!” Why, just why? First off the term Good Morning makes absolutely no sense. What the fuck exactly is that saying? If you said, Good Morning TO YOU, it would make a bit of sense because you are apparently WISHING a good morning onto someone. Although I’d still find that very offensive. Don’t tell me what to do in the morning! Don’t wish me to be anything but grouchy. I am perfectly happy with being grouchy in the morning. It’s YOU who has a problem. Go wish your stupid happy sunshine on someone else!

Secondly, if you’re just noticing that it’s a good morning, then you are an asshole. I don’t care if it’s a good morning for you. What I want to say in return is, “Bad Morning” and if I’m wishing a bad morning on you or just indicating that I’m having a bad morning, either works just as well for me.

Why just the other morning in the office I heard a very loud conversation going on in the kitchen while people were readying their coffees. They were chatting (with laughter..ug) about how there are grumpy old people and there are sweet old people. I heard someone say that if you’re a good person and sweet and cheerful and happy it’ll come out in the end and you’ll be a sweet old person. However if you’re grouchy, that’ll come out too. Basically the part that stuck in my brain was how they equated being a good person with cheerfulness and happiness. Really? Fucking really? So Satan’s Girlfriend is a bad person? Nope, not buying that one folks!

It was funny cause this other guy in my office who is also a known grouch in the morning just like me and can commiserate came up to me and said, did you hear that? I was like yes. He was like…I’m a bad person. I was like….me too. So…I admit it, if being grouchy makes you a bad person, than I am most definitely a bad person.  Sue me.  Or with-hold merit pay.  If you DARE.

Fourthly, we’ve been discussing merit pay at work recently and there’s this matrix to determine who gets merit and who doesn’t. It shows two axis. One is how technically proficient you are at your job and the other is basically how friendly, helpful, easy you are to work with etc. I was feeling kind of pissed that this is part of the equation. I’m not hard to work with, however I am, at times in the mood to rip some office worker’s puny head from their bony desk-loving shoulders. What should happen in my case is that I should get merit pay for NOT ripping people a new one. I should get paid for how HARD I try not to yell and scream at people.

The problem though is that no one sees the other side of me since I typically try to act all humane and condescending in the office. No one knows what could be happening. They don’t seem to understand the hellishness that could be rained down upon their enfeebled office worker bodies or their delicate dainty emotions. And the other bullshit part is that Morning People (those assholes) are naturally nice and chipper.

They are NATURALLY cheerful and happy in the morning.  I can’t emphasize or reiterate that enough.  These bastards were BORN that way and I don’t try to make them change!  I just require that they leave me the fuck alone in the morning so I can do morning MY way!  And thus I want to know: why should they get more merit pay just because they were born morning people? No. No.

You should only get paid for doing something that doesn’t come naturally to you. Like you should actually have to TRY to get merit pay. You can’t just be yourself, standing there like a smiling sunshiney idiot and get a raise. No…dammit!  I get more pay because I didn’t kill anyone today. I also didn’t bitch, scream, yell or throw anything at all. And you don’t even know how many times I wanted to do those things and refrained. Polite society is stupid.

Basically I have to PRETEND to be chipper and happy in the morning. I have to fake a smile, I have to hide that I’m miserable and want to be left alone. I have to be “on” once at work even at the ungodly hour of 8:00 am. The world has done this to me. DAMN IT!! I hate fake pretenses!! Fucking mincing smiling bouncing chipper annoying Morning People!

Halloween costume Vampire with horns and blood

MWAHAHAHA!!! I wish I could have the last laugh. But society refuses to accept me for who I am. Bastards!  i could be this beautiful everyday if only society let me sleep!!

These cheerful mutha-fuckas with their chipper annoying energy that radiates across the office and their stupid vibrating energy filled bodies in the morning can buzz off! I swear to god those asshole MP’s (Morning People) are purposefully annoying to me in the morning just because they know I’m a grouchie SOB.

It’s like a bear baiting. They’re poking their little chipper happy sticks at me while I growl, glower and spit in my cubicle. It’s a damn cubicle baiting as that’s my cage. I want to whip out my claws and give them a good slashing, but guess what?  I refrain. And somehow, SOMEHOW, this baiting of the non-morning person is allowed by polite society. I fucking call taunting! Where is the guy with the flags? THROW ONE!!! Strip this asshole of their merit pay! NOW NOW!!

Then they’re asking me “How are you today?!” and I want to say…SHOVE IT!! And do you really want to know? If yes, I am SHITTY!! I don’t like being at work. I don’t like getting up early. I don’t like waking up when it’s dark. I hate being here right now. I hate you. I hate the universe. I want to be asleep. I hate my commute. I hate other drivers. I hate EVERYTHING!!  I feel shitty too!!! My head hurts, my back hurts, my ovaries are kicking me in the womb.

But no. The world is all backward and these people are rewarded because it just happens that the business world runs on their schedule. Not on mine. If I had my way, things would run differently and would cater to my personality of not being a morning person. No one would get up early, ever. And those happy morning people be damned because by the time night rolls around I’ll bet they get all sleepy and asshole-ish and need their bubbas and then who would have the last laugh if we had to be at work when that shit went down?! That’s right, Satan’s Girlfriend, that’s who. Boo-ya assholes!! Someday I will have my revenge!

P.S. It’s cruel to expect Satan’s girlfriend to get up early. We have a lot of activities at night and I need my beauty sleep.

Pitchfork image

Thanks to Alice for the topic idea! She called me Satan’s Girlfriend over at her blog the other day and it just seemed too perfect to pass up!

The Raffle:

I’ll choose 4 winners and then contact you if you’ve won. You will have the opportunity to pick which gift if you are first, second or third.
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The other Funny Blog Friday bloggers: VISIT THEM!!  (And if you love us, tweet using hashtags #FBF and #FunnyBlogFriday)

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

HE Ellis of HE Ellis

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Alice of Alice At Wonderland

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I see Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color

Arthur from Pouring My Art Out

 

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

27 Comments on Satan’s Girlfriend…at the Office

  1. Good, we both don´t like to work. And I should say that with those looks if you go to work you can probably give somebody a heart attack and that leads to you getting fired…..so then you don´t have to work! win win situation, not really for the other with the heart attack but…..actually yes, if he or she does recover from the heart attack they will appreciate life even more therefore you would be doing them a favour.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Please do what you can to change the work day! My boss is a task master who makes me start my day at 6:00am and even sexually harasses me!

    I suppose I should tell you that I am self-employed…

    Liked by 1 person

    • AHAHA! Leave yourself ALONE!! Stay on your side of the cubicle! I think you should write up a sexual harassment claim with HR. Bring that mean taskmaster down! Maybe you can go through a grievance process?

      Like

  3. I would LOVE to return the comment of “Bad Morning” instead of Good morning. Unless you give me coffee, strong, black. Then it would be “OK Morning”.

    Like

  4. Ha! Love the post. I saw your title and was like – that sounds familiar! You’d think Satan’s girl would get better benefits, like not having to work and getting to blow up annoying people with the power of her mind. Let’s see – not working ever again vs keeping my eternal soul . . . it’s an iffy one there.

    At least you don’t have to carry his hellspawn. Yet.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No kidding, dating Satan should include a sweet HMO and a pension plan, but alas it includes pretty much nada. I don’t even get paid vacation or FMLA. I know..hard decision about the soul and working. I figured, what am I using that old thing for anyway. You know.. I wonder if they have maternity leave…I gotta look into that. HA!!

      Like

  5. Well… um… okay… this will be a tough act to follow for a computer moron… but, and I mean this with all due respect… I think Satan could have done better…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sorry. I’m one of those happy, annoying, morning people. I have to be.
    But they say opposites attract so I think that means you should ditch Satan and get with me.
    We’d make cute babies.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Okay… I did a post… and sorry I was late… and I don’t know how funny it was… unless watching me be me is funny… which it can be, I mean, more fun than it is to actually be me, that’s for damn sure… and now I am going to use your links to drag my crack squirrel-possessed, computer moron bad self to each of those other blogs and add the links to my posts… even though I might well do more posts about this today… because… crack squirrels!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. wait… I went to some of the other blogs, and my blog isn’t actually in the list of links to posts…

    Like

  9. Thanks for letting me do this… I have met some really cool bloggers, and so far, not one told me to go… ‘take a hike’ myself… for making them add me at the last minute.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Very funny. Sorry for the non-participation, but since I’m just getting around to reading all your funny, funny stuff today, it was never going to happen. As you must know, as Satans’ girlfriend, I have Satans children at home.

    Liked by 1 person

5 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

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