Sarcasm Central

I Solved Climate Change and Silenced the Alien Laughter

Yup, you heard it here first, I have, with my puny little brain, solved Climate Change in one fell swoop (what does that mean?).  I’m for serious right now (I love saying that). For realz.

It’s essentially pretty simple and is called: Working from Home. If I asked it as a question and you said yes, then you too have solved Climate Change.  Or we will solve it, very soon.  Maybe. If we can get my boss on board.

Here’s the gist of the idea. If everyone who could worked from home every single day, we’d reduce emissions a shit ton (that’s a technical term). Think about it, every day people around the world are traveling to dumb offices with dumb commutes. Why? Do we, or do we not have this awesome thing called the internet super highway which is actually far superior and uses less emissions than the actual tarred lame bumper to bumper super-slow highway?

The answer to that lengthy convoluted sentence is that YES, we have something called the interwebs or the WWW which can connect people from across the globe from their own LIVING ROOM.  WHOA!!! I know your mind has just exploded inside your head. I’ll wait while you clean up a bit.  And I’ll wait for your boss to stop choking over the idea of you working from your living room in your skivvies.

Thus, I could be doing a job from my house via the internet (because you know, I can access documents online, I can send emails, I can pretty much do everything I need to do). I know, this is staggering for you to comprehend. But yes, we  are no longer tied to actual desks or we don’t NEED to be. We have desktops, laptops, tablets and phones AT HOME. We have so many means of staying connected that we’re never apart from the nourishing umbilicus of the web.

But what we have refused to accept is that we have this technology and the old outdated idea of coming into an office every day is now useless and stupid. Why should we travel back and forth, back and forth, BACK AND FUCKING FORTH every-damn-day to an office that we really don’t need to be occupying and are thus killing the environment with our stupid car? After all, I have to heat my house anyway in the winter to keep the pipes from freezing and yet no one is there. Maybe if I worked there and not at my office building, they could consolidate office spaces and thus use less energy to heat these stupid office buildings.

We need to revolutionize the way we work. Supervisors and Managers need to realize that employees do not need to be tied to a desk for 8 hours per day in order to accomplish their work. As long as the work is accomplished in a timely manner and is of good quality, that’s all that matters. Why should I sit here for 8 hours, regardless of how much work there is to accomplish?

We all know (Yes you too, ADMIT!!) that EVERY single job has downtime now and then, and yet we still have to drive to the office and sit there.  Aliens are laughing. I don’t know how many times I have to say this…but aliens think we’re hilarious. We’re on their comedy central channel and they think we’re LOL or even LMAO funny. At the water cooler they say to each other, “Have you seen the episode about the dumb humans driving back and forth to work every day for days on end and sitting at a computer for 8 hours per day, regardless of how much work they have to do? HAHAHAHA.”

In my opinion, if an employee is at home and is readily available to any question/concern/task, then why does it matter if they’re not at the office?

I realize that this doesn’t work for every industry and that there are times when face to face meetings are better than email, phone or even Skype. However, it could work for a lot of us.  Let’s say it works for 35% of the work force. That’s still a lot (shit-ton to be exact) of reduced emissions!!

And yes, I know (quit riding me!) there are slugs out there who wouldn’t accomplish their work and would get caught up in the day time soaps or whatever, but you just FIRE those people when it’s not working out and start fresh.  BUT…and that’s a big BUT…admit that there are so many slugs out there (physically) in the office cubicle jungle everyday and they commuted just so they could slug around the office with their sliminess!  ADMIT I’m RIGHT!!! They wasted fossil fuels and are killing the planet just to annoy you and not do any work.

Anyway, I think this is genius. Plus there are so many studies out there that show that people are happier when they work from home. I realize that some of you might go stark raving made with your need to get in some socializing, but I’m sorry, that’s on you! Just do your work and call it good. No more car emissions. No more heating that dumb office building or powering all the lights and useless copy and fax machines. If we could do this…we might just save the planet. I’m serious. I’m soooo serious. I know I joke a lot but I’m not joking. This could work.  Plus I’d really like to work from home and stop commuting everyday. Plus I’m really concerned about the aliens laughing at us. It makes me feel self-conscious.

Can you guys please share this so that we can start a revolution? We need to get some bosses on board.  I’d like to change my work address to a WWW address. Please?

And speaking of saving the environment via what YOU can do, here’s a nice handy-dandy list from Huffington Post: 7 Facts that Prove your Day to Day Choices Can Have An Environmental Impact

 

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

15 Comments on I Solved Climate Change and Silenced the Alien Laughter

  1. I’m not working right now… but I am doing it from home…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh the joy of deciding to become a writer, that way I don’t have to drive to work.all I have to do is quite literally flop out of bed and walk to my computer.

    Like

  3. You don’t need to convince me. I’ve been working from home since 2012 and I love it. I used to hate the commute and I was just very, very lucky that I found a company to work with that are very tech savvy and get it. We talk on Skype regularly, we have apps we use that allow us to message and have conversations with our team and it works. Hopefully the aliens aren’t laughing at me so much 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nope, you’re safe from alien laughter! I love it. Now, I wish that more people would embrace this! It’s so hard though when you have managers that are afraid to try it. It’s frustrating.

      Like

  4. I agree. I’m about to tell my boss that I’m not coming in tomorrow because I’m gonna work from home forever.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I want to say the same thing. I want to say…guess what? I’m going to save the planet by working from home! Who can argue with that? I’m concerned about my carbon footprint!

      Like

      • I would probably say something to screw it up like I doing this for my sanity because I can’t stand you (boss) or because I’m lazy and want to take a lot of breaks, but yeah carbon footprint sounds good too.

        Like

  5. I can definitely work from home. I’ve done it during my maternity leave… twice. But this office won’t have it. They like having us sitting here at the desk so they can see us, spy on us, check up on us, walk up to us, poke at us. I feel like a monkey in a cage at times. Plus, they love to waste paper here. I’ve tried telling them that all adjustments and orders should be done via the computer, which they do, but they ALSO want all the paper backup. It’s crazy the amount of paper used. And you’re right, most folks here use the time to chit chat. Then do overtime because they claim they have so much work to do when in reality they just suck at time management. I think the darn aliens should just change it for us. I dare them to step in, Adrian Veidt style.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. “One fell swoop” is from “Macbeth” and refers to the quick descent of some hunting bird as it dives to attack a small rodent (probably):

    MACDUFF: [on hearing that his family and servants have all been killed]
    All my pretty ones?
    Did you say all? O hell-kite! All?
    What, all my pretty chickens and their dam
    At one fell swoop?

    Like

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