Sarcasm Central

Nature’s Fail: Exercise

I’m really intent on blaming someone (even if it’s not actually a person) for my problems. My latest conjecture is that it’s nature’s fault that I don’t exercise and I’m going to prove to you (as if I’m writing a geometry proof) that nature is in fact to blame for the fact that I’m lazy as sin and enjoying a weight gain extravaganza. I’ll walk you through it, don’t you worry. It will become as clear and horrendously gross as sweat.

So I’ve found a flaw, a fail, an imperfection in Nature’s plan.  Or if it’s not exactly Nature’s fault, feel free to blame evolution, genetics, DNA or even your old friend the first noticer of evolution Darwin. You could even stretch as far as you want and blame his mother and thus slap her across the face for this nature fail.  Maybe you could even blame genetic-Eve or Lucy. Because obviously this is NOT my fault at all.  It’s in my stars or some such.

Nature’s fail is thus:  Exercise. Ok..back up. Think about all the things you do that are pleasurable and that you probably wouldn’t do if they didn’t feel all that good or if in fact they hurt.  For example:  Sex. Sex feels good and that’s why we do it. From an evolutionary standpoint, um, it’s good that it feels good because it helps continue the human race.

snake eating a snake, itself!

Okay, that’s a bad eating experience.

Take eating as another example, it’s wicked good.  AmIright? Eating is the BEST EVER. When have you ever had a bad eating experience?  Other than when you got sick from food poisoning?

Put that thought aside and think of all the countless times over your life that you have had a really tremendous eating experience.  It happens at least 3 times per day and most of the time it’s pretty great.  Unless you’re eating something really boring, in which case, smarten up! There should never be “bad” eating experiences. No excuses.

Dino chasing an exerciser

Now that’s a good reason to run.

There are other things that are pretty pleasurable that are good for us and keep us alive.  So it’s evolutionarily (ha, word?) important and useful that we WANT to do these things.  Now consider exercise.  It’s hugely important that we get exercise to you know…stay healthy and stay alive.  To avoid things like heart disease and mental issues and all kinds of other bodily related problems.  However exercise feels like ouchie hell and fails horribly.  It’s the WORST ever.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that once you’ve been exercising a lot it does feel good and you can get sort of addicted to how it makes you feel. But starting out when you’ve been a lazy slug is the hardest thing to do. You think, “I should really exercise, I’m lazy and chubby.” Then you do and it’s horrible, the absolute worst thing you could ever imagine. Worse than you thought it would be. Every last second of it feels like torture and you’re counting the minutes until you can stop. Your lungs are exploding, muscles screaming in agony and you feel heavy, sluggish and your brain is throwing out some pretty amazing mutiny ideas.

Exercise can make 15 minutes feel like an eternity.  And not just a boring eternity, but a painful, I-want-to-stop-NOW! excruciating torturous 15 minutes.  Plus if you do get a good exercise on, your muscles, tendons, ligaments etc, will be whining and moaning at you the next day.  And you’ll probably be all tight and sore.  And every step will be agony.  And worst of all, is how badly it hurts the very next time you exercise. And even the time after that…and the time after that.  Why on EARTH would I want to do this to myself?  What motivation in the short term do I have to put myself through this?  Nature has failed.  There should be some kind of reason for me to want to exercise.

Cause chocolate rewards me for eating it by tasting delicious.

I guess there’s a chance for a slight nice feeling right after (runner’s high? It feels more like a fever and I’m about to throw up), but mostly I just feel tired and dizzy. I used to feel good after exercising sometimes, but it really wasn’t the same as how good you can feel from these other pleasurable experiences.  It just doesn’t stack up at all.

I guess losing weight, or looking good should be some kind of motivation, but it really doesn’t work that well for me.  I have WAY more motivation to cook myself something delicious to eat or have sex or be lazy.  Lazy really pays off.  It feels pretty fucking amazing most of the time.  Even going to the bathroom feels WAY better than exercising.  WAY better.  Even using my BRAIN (which is so hard for me to do) feels way better and gives me way more pleasure than exercising.

Sounds about right. That’s one smart kitty.

Nature has completely failed me.  It has FUCKED up.  I should want to exercise because it will help keep me alive.  Probably in the olden days people got exercise all the time because they had no choice, so therefore they were always in shape and it probably didn’t hurt as bad.

Now-a-days a lot of us are extremely out of shape and so getting back into shape is really hard.  As I mentioned in a post before, exercise is a cruel task master. Once you get in shape you MUST maintain it or else all your hard work will be for naught.  You’ll end up like that myth guy who keeps pushing that rock up the hill, again and again. Isn’t that myth supposed to mean he’s in hell? Yeah..that’s right.

So if you dare to exercise on a regular basis you’re stuck in a loop where you cannot stop.  You don’t know how many times I’ve started out, been stuck in that loop and then failed miserably and stopped and then lost all my progress.  BULLSHIT!!  There are just so many fucking reasons why exercising is annoying and terrible and painful.  So many reasons not to do it.

This cat has a serious case of Resting Bitch Face. I love her.

The other downside to exercise is that unless you do it in front of the TV or while reading you’re basically trapped inside your head. That’s a pretty obvious and stupid thing to say because you’re always trapped inside your head, when are you not?  However, while exercising it’s painfully obvious that you’re trapped in there and in your body. And the link between body and mind is also agonizingly obvious. Your mind is obsessed (in a circular way where it will not shut the hell up) with the fact that your body hurts.  It will do everything in its power to get you to stop.  It will whine, complain, argue, and even come up with some pretty legit reasons for why you should stop. My brain could cure cancer if it meant I could stop exercising. That’s how smart and devious my brain is.

The real deal is that it’s our fault as humans.  Not nature’s fault. (don’t tell Nature, it’s still my scape-goat here).  We’ve given ourselves all the luxuries that allow us to be lazy as sin.  We don’t have to move our asses to do anything at all.  We don’t have to grow food, we don’t have to do so many different things.  We just pop some cup-oh-noodle in the micro and sit down on the couch to watch some TV.  Goddamn it…someone will be blamed!

I just wish that exercising felt as awesome as eating. Think about animals…they exercise all the time and it seems like they ENJOY it.  WTH?  Like my cats are always scampering all around doing some such shit to annoy me. Meanwhile I’m too lazy and tired to scamper.  It’s like they get this jimmy-juice-excitement inside them and they have to let it out. They’re wild. Why don’t I have moments where I feel all hyperactive and wild and like I must get up and exercise?

All my experiences with exercise are when I reluctantly drag my carcass off the couch and force myself to do something that gets my heart rate up.  It’s sad, it really is.  I know what you exercise gurus will say to me…you have to find something you love to do that also involves exercise!  YEA!!  And then you’ll want to get exercise!

Jeeves Cat

This never happens to me. I don’t want to jump nimbly-bimbly from tree to tree at any time, never mind 3 am.

Bullshiz.  I’ve tried some of those things. Not doing it for me.  Like my post about hiking. Nope. Biking…eh?  Not so much if it involves too many hills.  HA.  Running…erm.  Maybe.  If I have to run from a bear or a T-Rex.  Walking…okay…but only horizontally.  I do kind of like dancing, now and then.  I’ve tried those dancing DVDs you can buy….yeah…if you could see me.  Whoaaaa.  It’s terrible. I could go to the gym. Eh. The only way I really WANT to exercise is if I’m being distracted by something else while doing it. Like I can do the stationary bike if I’m watching something interesting on TV, maybe.

How pathetic is that? I can only exercise while being entertained or feeling as if I’m doing a lazy activity? I’m still blaming Nature for making me this way. I am not at fault for being so lazy. Nature has completely failed me. Damn you Darwin!! Exercising should feel just as good as sex or eating pizza and drinking wine. That’s my POV and I’m sticking to it.  Screw you Genetic Eve.

Gratuitous Memes:

And who doesn’t love Ron Swanson?

Ron Swanson Parks and Rec

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

9 Comments on Nature’s Fail: Exercise

  1. That’s why I hate exercising so much. Because of gravity!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So why do I do it? I feel like a train wreck this morning. My muscles ache and my undercover six-pack feels like I’ve been slam-dunked by the Hulk. I’m happily married. Have great kids. Don’t need a partner. So why do I do it?

    I need help, desperately.

    Great post. All true.


  3. This is a lot to think about… how many calories does thinking burn?


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