So there are some people out there that think they are going to break the internet with their ass. These ‘people’ shall remain nameless since I can’t stand to toot their horn more than it has already been tooted by everyone else on the planet. However, I do have a few things to say on the topic. So…without mentioning WHO I’m talking about, I’m going to do a bit o’ ranting. It’s obvious, isn’t it? I know, it’s just on principal that I can’t speak that name or even the initials.
First off, I’ve broken the internet many times and I gotta tell you that in order to break the internet you have to have just enough technical know-how to be dangerous. You don’t know how many times I’ve written an SOS email to our IT department telling them that I’ve broken the internet and suddenly my website is filled with kitten pics. It’s happened. So I don’t want to hear how someone with zero technical skills broke the internet. I mean, come on, asses are pretty stupid, generally, hence why they’re called asses. They might be able to balance a wine glass, but they cannot type on a keyboard (successfully) or write HTML. I know this, I’ve tried to put my ass to work and all I got was this: 09jnk3q2rw98u0fgadfhjot64980adjklt;golkjafdsp9ol1jid. My ass is an idiot.
However, if you want to tell me that someone broke the internet with their ass, I might believe you, if said ass was found roaming through the servers at Google and then some kind of ass-related disaster occurred where the owner of the ass accidentally swung that big wrecking ball (typically when frightened or startled) around like a weapon and knocked over the servers like dominoes. That I would believe. People on Doomsday Preppers should be prepared for that kind of disaster, i.e. the entire internet, all our financial institutions and probably the power grid going down in a blazing glory from one ass-swing. Terrifying.
I would also believe that an ass had broken all kinds of other things. Someone’s leg? A pet’s paw or tail? A chair? A dainty porcelain figurine? A vase filled with flowers? A mirror? Perhaps a cell phone screen or expensive camera equipment? Maybe a pair of jeans, a book spine or a Kindle? These things are believable to me. I have an ass of my own, so I know how dangerous an item it can be.
You don’t know how many times I’ve been walking by a large mirror or a shop front window and wondered what the hell was following me around?! It’s like my ass is my own stalker. It’s there behind me but I’m completely unaware of how huge it actually is until I catch a glimpse of it following along behind me. Then I’m like…DAY-UM!! And obviously when you’re unaware of how large an item it is, accidents do occur when you swing that thing around unawares. So I can see breaking knick-knacks, do-dads, thingamajigs, whatnots, paraphernalia, delicate crockery, a delicious mac and cheese dish or maybe even checking someone with it and knocking them over. I’ve done it, it happens. It’s understandable, even inevitable.
The other thing that pesters me about the entire situation with the above mentioned individual is that that person’s ego must be out of hand. I can’t stand egos that are out of hand. I think that’s the main reason that the entire story makes me crazy. I’m not really surprised by the things that people do, I’ve given up on being surprised at humanity. It’s not shocking to me that she did such a thing, although I was surprised by the shit-eating grin on her face. But generally, I’m not shocked. People do all kinds of bullshit. I don’t care. But what I do care about is the fact that everyone (even me, DAMMIT!) is talking about it and making this person’s ego enormous. I don’t even think the Google Server building could hold this person’s ego. Her ego is bigger than her ass.
And just as her ass was probably manipulated into looking like that (through photoshop and possible surgery) so too has her ego been pumped full of hot air and fat, flab or maybe cellulite and most likely it’s been polished with baby oil until it gleams. Basically it’s an ego built on a shaky foundation covered in slippery glossy goo. This foundation is wiggly, jiggly and will hopefully topple at some point, sending the ego slipping and sliding and then crashing to the ground in an ass-related disaster sceanrio of epic proportions. I can only hope it happens in a really spectacular way. That would be the best ass-related ego un-natural disaster ever. The death toll would hopefully be less than staggering though. Best of both worlds.
I also think her ego to ass ratio is all out of proportion. You really really shouldn’t have an ego larger than your ass. It can’t be good for your health. And we all know she has a huge ass, so clearly if her ego is bigger than said ass, we’re in trouble, as a society and will be forced to see a lot more stupid photos, quotes, etc. If you ever see me getting a bigger ego surgically inserted that is larger than my ass than you have my permission to slap me silly. Also I’m going to start prepping now for ass-related disasters. It’s bound to happen if they ever let her near Google. We must PROTECT GOOGLE!!
Also, I’m sickened by the fact that I’ve added another drop of glistening oil onto her already glossy yet smarmy ego with this blog post. Maybe it’ll be the drop of oil that broke the ego’s back? Broke the internet’s ass? Broke a plate glass window? Spilled a few lattes?
Asses are dangerous and untrustworthy. Something like that. Finally, at least booty is back. That’s my positive self-affirmation for the day to make myself feel better about writing this post.
My self-hatred is supreme.
The other Funny Blog Friday bloggers: VISIT THEM!! (And if you love us, tweet using hashtags #FBF and #FunnyBlogFriday)
Alanna of White Girls Be Like…
Jamie of Fits of Wit
Jessie of Jessie Reyna
HE Ellis of HE Ellis
Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog
Jenn of Properly Ridiculous
Alice of Alice At Wonderland
Lisa of Buddhaful Britt
JC of JCS Bloggery
Sarah of No Cry Babies
Elke of The Pretty Platform
Jack of The Things I see Up Here
Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks
Charly of Crazy Life
Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe
Karilin of That Nameless Color
Arthur from Pouring My Art Out