Hello All on this lovely Black Friday! I’m here to tell you why Black Friday is the WORST invention EVER!! I feel a little rant coming on.
I think it’s pretty funny that we’ve got this holiday where we’re supposed to be loving each other, spending time with family, giving and being thankful and then juxtaposed right on top is Black Friday. The biggest retailer-made bullshit day of the year and the people you were loving and thankful for just yesterday? Slap them aside friend, it’s time to get a deal!
Here’s the funny part about me ranting over Black Friday: I have never actually been shopping on Black Friday, ever, in 32 years of living. So everything I say about Black Friday is via my super special imagination. I’ll tell you now, why I’ve never participated, cause don’t get me wrong, I like shopping just like the next person (spenders guilt, buyers remorse and all).
Black Friday brings out some of my worst (or best) qualities. Which is why I don’t participate, since I’m likely to get arrested or hurt someone. These special qualities brought forth by saving money are: rage, impatience, anxiety and hatred. Sounds pretty positive right? Perfect feelings for the day after Thanksgiving!
I know I’m likely to get enraged and impatient because one time I actually drove by this dinky little shopping center in my town during Black Friday. This was a mistake. Traffic was all backed up so people could go get their supposed “deals” and I was like…WTF? I have places to go, shit to do, what the hell is this? Get the F out of my way!!
This is how I imagine it happens once you actually get through traffic to your desired store, find a parking spot without murdering pedestrians or smashing into other cars in your haste and finally finally roll up into the store with the supposed deals:
You’ll be violently pushing and shoving past all the masses of unwashed pleebs, trying to get to those glorious sale items (it’ll be like the grail and you’ll be the murdering religion wielding Crusaders). You’ll be shoving people aside, fish hooking, slapping and jamming their faces out of the way with your hand as you all grab for the same item. Tussles, fist fights and biting will ensue. Basically you’ll have to start a war on the store to get what you want and launch everyone and everything out of your way. Don’t you wish you had a trebuchet? No more Thanksgiving or thankfulness, get the hell outta my way assholes! Step into my trebuchet so I can launch your sorry ass right out of the store!
Once you’ve won through violence and sheer strength of will (VICTORY! Eat SHIT! The Grail is mine!) and have the desired item in your hot little mitts, then you’ll be guarding it jealously as you scowl, giving everyone the hairy eyeball who tries to come near you. If you have a cart, you cannot leave it unattended or someone will no doubt steal your sweet items. Guard it well, my friends! Kill anyone who comes in range! Don’t be afraid to make an example of that little old lady over there. Trip her! Clothes-line that lady with the 5 screaming kids! (Also who brings their kids on the crusades? Seems like grounds for a child services call, don’t be afraid to use whatever advantage you can get! A fingerhold is a fingerhold!)
Then, as you finally make your way to the registers a huge line will have already formed and you’ll join at the bitter end.
This would bring out my impatience and hatred for all things retail, humanity and consumer-related. What if while you’re in line and you’ve waited for 30 minutes and are half way through you have to go to the bathroom or need a drink of water? What if you’re parched and dying like in a shopping center desert? I can just see me dancing in the line, watching every movement of the cashiers and people in line, swearing to myself under my breathe “assholes, fucking jerks” about how everyone is stupid, needs to hurry up and get the hell out of my way. I will be cursing you to high hell, Lady with the checkbook. I must Purchase my GRAIL!!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!
The other thing that gets me is these stores that tell you how much you’ve saved on the receipt and the cashier proudly circles the amount in red. “You saved $130 on your purchase of this Grail!” WHOA!! Did I?!!! Wow! Look at that shit. I saved money! On the Grail!
Fuck that! Those retail jerks just jacked up the price on something that costs a nickel for them to buy (This grail isn’t pure gold?! The outrage!) and then put that shit on sale so that you’re still paying waaaay to much. Then they really stick it to you by spelling out how much they tried to fuck you over. They admit to it, right there on the receipt and the cashier circles it in red. Look at how badly we could have fucked you! But we didn’t! We fucked you slightly less. We love you!
I want to say to the cashier, I wouldn’t have bought this ever-loving shit if it was that full price you claim it should be. Eat shit! (poor cashier, see how I can’t go out in public). Plus I want to shove their stupid store credit cards right up corporate ass too. WTF?!! Really, I should get your credit card so I can save 10 percent and then when I get the bill and don’t pay on time I’ll be paying something like 25 percent. Sounds legit. Sure, sign my dumb-ass up for that.
Plus it enrages me to no end how much they try to sell that credit card. I once went to a store and the cashier was really shilling the damn credit card. I said no, she wouldn’t let it go, just kept bugging me about why I should get their stupid credit card. I felt raped, I really did! I hate being bugged while I’m trying to purchase something. I might stop shopping at your store if you keep shoving your credit card down my throat, just sayin’. I said NO again and again and she just kept pushing it on me anyway and I kept saying NO NO NO!! I wanted to just scream at her, NO!! Stop trying to get me into debt so I can buy some stupid slippers or a bath mat! And we wonder why everyone in this country has massive credit card debt. It’s like…hey, don’t have the money? Doesn’t matter! Buy it ANYWAY and pay more for it later! Good DEAL!!!!
I love how retailers prey on our human psychological failings. They know we’re suckers for deals. They know we like to think we’ve saved money when purchasing a costly grail. They know we like to feel special for being the person who won the grail over other frail humans. They use our greed and need to be special against us. All the worst human qualities. I know this because I took Marketing 101. They have studied our habits, they know how to trick us. Be WARY!!
I feel like I have to be a shut in on Black Friday for the good of the public. I kept thinking today, oh I should go here or do this or that and then I remembered that I can’t do shit or go anywhere. Today is the reckless, evil, bullshit shopping holiday and I’ll only get enraged or incredibly anxious if I leave the house. Someone should bring me some Meals on Wheels. Damn.
The lucky, or very unlucky thing about today is that my ThanksG was cancelled yesterday because people didn’t have power due to a massive SNOW storm that ruined everything. So today is actually my ThanksG, so I don’t have to worry about going out. Shopping is not on the agenda. Today I’m gonna be all thankful…that there’s pie in my pie-hole.
So…have fun shopping with all the unwashed deal-crazy grabbing, slapping peon masses! Have fun not really getting a deal! Also definitely sign up for their credit card. It’s a good way to save EVEN MORE and BUY even more and PAY even more later! Who doesn’t want that?!!
I’ll stay home and do my shopping at a more civilized time and place. Preferably online, where I don’t have to interact with anyone. You should thank me, that I didn’t unleash the Victoria Monster on all you Black Friday shoppers. Maybe it’ll go smoothly? Good luck! Fight the good fight, my friends and bring a trebuchet. And fire arrows. And a broadsword. People will get out of your way and you will convert the masses and win the grail.