Sarcasm Central

A Plea to Holiday Foods

Ummm…I slacked and didn’t post this before the holidays…so now you can enjoy it post-holidays.  Plus the weight is still hanging on like a fat tick, so there’s that. Therefore this post still applies.

The holidays are an evil time of year.  There is food EVERYWHERE!!!  SALT, FAT, SUGAR, SALT, FAT, SUGAR!!!  Everywhere the eye falls, there is naughty foods that we’re supposed to have the will power to shun.  Who has that kind of will power?  Not me.

My office is evil too because there are all kinds of “client” types who send us naughty foods via the US postal service.  Then these get set out right near my desk and I’m supposed to resist the temptation that is there before me, the fat and sugar glistening majestically like a beacon! And once you actually try a taste, you’re a goner because when that sweet sweet taste invades your mouth, your mouth/stomach/salivary glands will not stop bugging/torturing you for more of that naughty naughty goodness as you sit at your desk trying to focus on something else, like maybe work for example.

But no!  Work cannot be accomplished with all those accursed cookies, chocolates, and evil popcorn covered in salt, sugar and fat.  You will hate your co-workers who drop off goodies at your desk with which to taunt your waning to non-existent self control.  You will drool and rub/pat your steadily growing paunch.

It’s like “listen holidays, isn’t it enough that you have to make yourself so damn materialistic, but do you really need to corner the market on delicious abhorrent-for-you, heart-attack, gain 10 pounds, foods?” It’s the downward spiral from Halloween, to ThanksG to Christmas and New Years.  We might as well drizzle alcohol (I mean splash or maybe slosh) atop the candy, pies, cookies, etc. that we’ve been eating for months.  Because why not?  You’ve come this far, might as well keep going.  Can you top yourself?  CAN YOU?!

The weight gain extravaganza is at its highest peak!  The crescendo, if you will, of decadence! Sugar piled upon sugar, piled upon fat and salt and lard and butter and chocolate!  OH MY!!!

I’m in tears.  Make it stop!  Make the temptation stop!  I can’t stay strong!  But I want to!  I don’t want to be too chubby to wear a sexy New Year’s Eve dress!

I feel like a sloth.  Slow moving, shoving foods into my mouth with long skinny arms.  Dragging myself across the floor (perhaps in a drunken manner), very very slowly toward the Christmas presents from the pie table.  (Okay, for real, we’re having something called Pie Breakfast tomorrow. I can’t handle it!!!)

HAPPY (Belated) HOLIDAYS!!!  FROM ANGST!!!!  (P.S. The pie breakfast was delish! and it went right to my waist where it’s still clinging tenaciously. The tenacity of pie is not to be argued here.  It’s a very tenacious food.)

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

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