Sarcasm Central

Mother Nature: In Yo’ Face Humanity!

BLAST THIS SNOW!  Already, the winter is upon us.  Harder, faster, stronger, more annoying than ever before.  Inches are piling up trying to smother me!  And now my nostalgia for summer has already started to rear its beautiful but distant and ungraspable head (ew?). Summer, I long for you!!  I lust for you!!! COME BACK!!! Don’t Leave meee all alone with this frost-bitten bastard of a winter!!

Seaside View

Winter is evil.  I’m not sure if you knew that.  But it’s very true.  Winter will try to kill you with its cold grasping fingers around your semi-warm scarf covered neck.  It’s weird cause when I was young the cold was nothing to me.  I was like…I defy you cold to stop me from wearing my coat unzipped! The other kids at the bus stop defied winter to force them to stop wearing shorts. But winter couldn’t touch us.  We were untouchable.  Now, however, winter touches me all the time with it’s icy loveless fingers and now I have to wear a scarf ALL THE TIME (Morning, NOON and NIGHT!) to protect my precious aging neck from the freezing airs.  Blast Winter. I need one of those long night caps that old people used to wear to bed.

ocean view, me and Mr. VS in foreground

While I taunt you, lovingly of course, with some photos of beautiful green and glorious summer, we’re still going to talk about winter and how horrid and terrible it is.  Winter will dry out your skin and leave you a crusty old scab of a person who itches everywhere.  I have to blast the hot water in the shower every day and blast myself in the face with the hot air in the car to stay warm. My eyes are dry, my nose is dry, my hair is dry and full of static, my hands are absolutely ridic.  When you have to remove your liquid waste toner cartridge obsessively (because of its sorry lack of capacity) you have to wash your hands in the hot waters constantly.  My hands are those of a mummy, minus the wrappings. You don’t even want to see my feet.

Flowers on porch

Driving in the winter is also fraught with dangers and anxieties. It’s hateful. Now that we’ve had a luxurious amount of snow, i.e. more than 3 feet, things are getting cliff-like. Sidewalks are frightening adventures of cavelike wonders, driving is like a horse wearing blinders.  You can’t see a damn thing around corners with all that snow piled up. Slipping and falling on snow and ice is a real possibility (trust me this is another blog post about my gracefulness). It’s like we live in an enormous warren of grand snow canyons with steep impenetrable sides. We can’t GET OUT!!! AHHH!! Claustrophobia sets in.

Plans that have been made are dashed by snow storms.  If you think you’re going to get to see people, think again.  Work might be cancelled, parties will be shut down by mother nature, dinner’s out will be non-existent.  You will begin to crave the idea of going places other than work and home. Even the cats are losing their minds and so am I because their litre box is getting out of control. I demand your pity for all the strife I am dealing with.  The cats are like little assassins in the house, running about, chasing each other, getting annoyed, attacking me, attacking phone charging cords and biting them to shreds and even enjoying the electrocution.  It’s madness.  We’re all stuck inside, with each other and the hatred is beginning to grow.  WE WANT TO GO OUTSIDE!!!  BUT WE CAN’T!  It’s negative gajillion degrees out there, the wind is whipping snow around and in yo’ face.  Mother nature is literally like… “In yo’face humanity!  Eat it!”

It boggles my mind why I live in a place so inhospitable to life that it’s trying to kill me constantly.  I don’t have some kind of mountain woman complex where I see it as a challenge.  I supposed it’s less deadly than tornado country or some place like that but still…nature has it OUT for us. She is pissed off.  I mean I don’t blame her or anything cause we are jerks and probably deserve it, but I would like to survive if at all possible. And I’d like to be able to go outside and maybe “enjoy” nature for once.  IS THAT A CRIME MA NATURE?!  I’d also like to be able to have: bare feet, bare arms and cease wearing ear warmers, hats, knee socks, choking scarves, clumsy mittens and gloves, heavy coats, clomping boots.  Just to get out the door is a process of protecting every square inch of exposed flesh.

Did I mention that once you’re dressed up in your onesie snow suit and can barely move your arms and legs, then you have to go outside and shovel your way to your car. You will sweat inside your snowsuit and come inside all nasty and wet and will promptly freeze.  Plus you have to shovel/plow/snowblow your driveway, your walkway, your porch, your deck etc.  Then you have to uncover your car while the wind whips the snow back into yo’ face in negative temps.  If your car won’t start, it’s a party. Get out the extra battery and the jumper cables and settle in for a freezing good time of cussin’ and stompin’ around.

Lake view of island and reeds

You guys, winter is the worst.  Why do I live here? I don’t like it.  I really don’t.  I have cabin fever, my skin is sloughing off, my lips are always chapped, my eyes are so dry I want to gouge them out.  My body has gained 7 lbs of blubbery hibernation fat, except I’m not allowed to just stay at my house and hibernate.  I still have to be a “productive” member of society.  So I have to drive to work with 3 inches of snow on the roadway.  It’s like a cluster, because everyone is up everyone else’s butts while driving. Stop, go, stop, go, swerve, slam on the brakes, try not to slide out into traffic, try not to die, white knuckled anxiety the entire time.  It’s pretty fun.

It’s also fun to try to go to the grocery store before a scheduled snow storm. (I swear the weathermen are scheduling these things out, years in advance).  People in the grocery store are mad, grabbing food, being oblivious to everyone around them, crowding up the aisles, standing in extremely long lines.  It’s not the way I want to see people when I leave the house. It just makes everything worse and I get more enraged than before.  Why is nature trying to hold me down? Why does nature hate me?

And the best part?  It’s not even HALF OVER YET!!  There are months left to go! When I talk to friends who live in places where this doesn’t happen…you cannot imagine my jealousy.  People going outside whenever they want?  People exercising outside?  People enjoying nature all year round?  Nature not trying to kill them every second in the freezing cold north?!?NO!?!!!  WHERE??? WHERE DOES THIS EXIST?!  This earth?  This one???? NO!!?!! SHOW ME THIS PLACE, YOU LIARS!!!

Lake view with pine trees

 

And so, I’ve come to an end.  Winter is destroying me.  Year after year.  I look like an old woman.  I haven’t seen the sun in months.  The cats and I may end up killing each other before this is over.  My social life is suffering. My epidermis is leaving me. It’s all going down hill.  Can I make it?

You know how some people get S.A.D.D. this time of year?  Well, I tend to get mad.  Also, my extremities are constantly cold.

BLAST THIS SNOW AND WINTER!!

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About Victoria Sawyer (281 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on Mother Nature: In Yo’ Face Humanity!

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