Sarcasm Central

The Gluten Tooth

For fun I decided it would be a good idea to do an elimination diet.  You know, for health and such.  Okay I’m lying, it’s really because I have Endometriosis and thought maybe I could help my symptoms if I learned which foods might be “inflammatory” for me.  You know, the foods that get me all “hot and bothered” and what not.  (Damn these quotation marks to hell!)

I believe, I believe!!!

So…I’ve been on the diet for about a week.  It involves giving up all the fun foods you eat to make you feel happier about life and winter and being at work.  For example, you can no longer eat:  Gluten, Dairy, Peanut Butter, Soy, Tomatoes, Corn, Coffee/Caffeine, Shellfish, Eggs, Sugar, Butter, Alcohol, processed shit.  Excuse me…no gluten!?!?! No BREAD?  No PIZZA?  No Grilled Cheese and tomato soup?  No PEANUT BUTTER!!  You animals!  You maniacs! WHY OH WHY?!  The HUMANITY!!

Of course the first thing you do when on an elimination diet is go crazy with desire for all the things you can’t have. I am lusting over gluten like you cannot even imagine.  I have a mean mean gluten tooth.  I’ve got a gluten crush like a 13 year old girl and 1D!  I would scream like a little girl for gluten right now. Actually, it’s more lustful than 13 year olds get.  This is a dirty desire I have for the delicious gluten.  I want cheese badly as well. And what the hell good is a Friday night without a glass of Chardonnay?!  HA!!  Admit Chardonnay is the lamest of all alcohols!

“I’ve had a few Chardonnay’s, what of it?”  Yeah yeah yeah.

Anyway…now that I’ve eliminated the most delicious items there are, I cannot stop imagining stuffing my face with bread and butter, or crackers, or pasta, or drenching a taco in sour cream. That just sounds nasty.  Secondly, there’s no JOY in the idea of food at work.  I can’t enliven my day by thinking: let’s go out and get Chinese food for lunch, or let’s go get pizza.  I can’t find it in my heart to get excited for my sorry little salad.  I helps with hunger if necessary, but man…it does not bring joy to the day!  This is really making me realize how much joy is brought to the day by food and drink.  It’s the little things that get you through the tedium.  Like a cup of coffee, just for the hell of it to get that little extra zing bam boom. Or looking forward to a delicious lunch of gluten goodness.  Or craving a glass of wine after a rough week.  Man..otherwise what are we living for!!?? If we aren’t living to stuff our faces, I don’t know what life is!  Life has no meaning to me now!!

Also Mr. VS has been mocking me atrociously by freely consuming beer, brownies, cheese, gluten, chips, etc.  He’s an animal.

Right now my stomach is growling because I only had a salad (veggies only) and a little orange colored fruit, one of those varietas…clementine or some such, and a handful of almonds.  I am dying here, people.  If I don’t lose weight on this (which isn’t the purpose but would make a nice consolation prize for my suffering), I will harm someone.  SOMEONE will get HURT!!

Have you noticed the violence that is brought forth by the thought that I cannot for 2+ more weeks eat pizza!  It’s UN-American!! It’s UN-InHUMAN! And I’d better not find out that Gluten gives me any problems because we have a love affair.  I don’t want to become star-crossed lovers with Gluten and end up like Romeo and Juliet.  That would be a real tragedy.  I want our love to go on…and on…and on.

I knew if I tried hard enough, I could find something that expressed exactly what I was thinking.

So…I have 2+ more weeks of this!  Perhaps by the 2nd week all my desire for the delicious foods will have gone.  It’s like when you go without eating dessert for a few days and suddenly you don’t want it quite as badly.  However, typically humans do want what we can’t have.  Tell me I can’t have a fried dinner and man…a fried dinner sounds delish!  I kept almost typing Friend Dinner instead of fried.  That’s where you eat your friends.

I’ll update you soon on my progress with the Gluten Tooth.  Right now, I salivate.  (gross)

WHOAAAA!!! The seizure inducing background, the deep quality of the UNIVERSE, the cranky cat, the pizza. HEAVEN!! Wait…it’s too much!  LOOK AWAY!!  LOOK AWAY!!  I’m sorry!! I think this photo exactly captures the essence of my blog.

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

6 Comments on The Gluten Tooth

  1. I’m pretty sure I would die inside if I had to stop eating pizza. You just reminded me that I need to go have one now.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hang in there! And OMG thank you SO much for the laugh!!! I miss grilled cheese sammiches the most…and pizza…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. No pizza or peanut butter? Sounds like torture to me.


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