Sarcasm Central

My Body is a Polluted Bombed Out Wasteland

FBF Funny Blog FridaySo as you might know, I’ve been on meds (Zoloft for anxiety/panic attacks) for about a year and a half.  Prior to this  med-circus I’m partaking in now, I had been off meds for 3.5 years.  And before that I was on them for about 8 years and prior to that I was medication free for the first 19 years of my life.  Hmm…does that math all add up to my current age? Carry the 5, add 1, minus 7. Hmmm..Shit! Oh well.. No matter!  No time for such trivialities! Don’t worry, we’ll get to the point by paragraph 3. I promise.

I think the real reason I was so reluctant about taking meds before (when I had forsaken them as the devil’s work for 3.5 years) is that it seemed like they weren’t working as well for me after 8 years.  I was still feeling panicked frequently. Or perhaps I wasn’t on the right medication and Zoloft is a better fit for me (I was on Lexapro and Paxil before that).

The other reason (and the reason for this meandering post) was that I was focused on the idea of being med-free so that I could have a child. I thought it would be best for a child if I laid off the dope (or anxiety meds and birth control) in order to GROW a tiny human inside me (FREAKY!).  Seriously my body is a polluted pharma wasteland and that can’t be good for child-growing/spawning.  HA!  That makes me laugh because it reminds me of the John Mayer song, Your Body is a Wonderland.  My body is a wasteland!  HA!!

My Body is a polluted Wasteland!!Yup,  my body is a polluted wasteland of pharmaceuticals. I’m also polluted with sulfates, dioxin, parabens,  petrochemicals, BPA, BPS, phthalates, pesticides, air pollution, smog, and hormone disrupting goodness. (Trust me when I say, when you find out you have something like Endometriosis, you begin to wonder, what caused this?  What have I been using all my life that may have tainted me?)

For some reason I have this weird idea that I’m the only person who’s polluted and therefore I begin to doubt that I should reproduce.  How can I bring a tiny human into the world via this dilapidated, bombed out, nuclear vehicle of mine? My womb is NOT nourishing!  How could a child ripened in a corrupted chemical factory of contaminated hazardous waste possibly be pristine and brand new?  But then again, we’re all like this.  None of us are clean! We’re all superfund sites!!  We’re all DIRTY and DECREPIT!!!  RECOGNIZE!!

Radioactive waste containerSo I guess I gotta get over that.  Everyone else is bringing the next generation into this world filled with chemicals and substances that God never intended.  Sometimes I like to think that the “soul” is a clean place since the body is so unclean. However, is it?  What about the depravity?  What about the cussin’ and naughty thoughts?  What about the impure thoughts and intentions and actions, I ask you!? What about all that?!

Secondly, I like to wonder when shit went wrong.  Like when we climbed out of that old primordial soup, we must have been clean then, right? Like unpolluted?  Or do you think maybe God was playing with his chemistry kit, even then?  Blowing shit up, making volcanoes, acid rain, asteroids crashing through the atmosphere to murder entire species and what not. Maybe a few aliens fucking around here and there. So I ask you, are we less polluted or somehow natural if the earth created the pollution and contamination on its own with its own junior chemistry set?

Well…technically, we’ve mostly done this to ourselves, I guess.  We’ve created this state of pollution and blight we’re in all on our own. At some point, some human got clever with his two hands and puny brain and was like…hmm…let’s try adding this desecrated chemical, to that foul unclean chemical and see what happens?  (Mercury anyone?!) Then they created something God never intended and they were like…I know! Let’s add these murderous chemicals into the soap we use on babies!  YEA!!  Let’s add these chemicals into the shit that women slather all over their bodies every day!  YEA!  GENIUS!!

Looks safe! Ages 6+! No need for me to worry about polluting baby, the toys will do it for me in a few years!

And now finally, we’re learning, oh yeah…not cool, our hormones are all fucked up, we’re getting cancer etc.  Sometimes I wonder, did previous generations not worry? I mean come on!  I worry about every damn thing out there!  Who the hell was worrying back when all these chemicals were created and added to EVERYTHING we use?

Did no one stop and think…hmmm…might this plastic be harmful in the vessel I drink polluted water from?  Might this factory goop that gives shampoo consistency be bad to apply to your scalp every day? Or was everyone like some happy 50’s housewife who just gobbled up sleeping pills, cooked with bug killer, smoked and drank during pregnancy and then bathed in endocrine disrupters with toxic fragrance?  Was everyone naive?  I can picture them now, happily doing whatever they were told was good/new/better.  Seems legit, let’s get on board! (I apologize 50’s housewives, I’m being an asshole to you.)

Welp, no sense in beating up on the past.  I’m sure the future will be cursing us for going ahead and reproducing despite our highly toxic defiled bodies (We are turning into the Ninja Turtles, just saying.  I have crawled through nuclear green goop and will be fighting crime soon). They’ll probably also wonder if no one was thinking when we were polluting the land, water, animals, ourselves etc and burning a shit ton of fossil fuels. They’ll be like…DID NO ONE THINK!?!!  DID NO ONE WORRY?! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE THAT LET THIS SHIT HAPPEN?!!  DID THEY NOT KNOW IT WAS BAD? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM?! OMG!!!!!  THOSE NAIVE STUPID ASSHOLES! F——- THEMMMM!!!

Ninja Turtle Green Goop

Mmmm…looks good enough to eat!

I’m here to tell you, year 2050 and beyond, I’ve been worrying, but it hasn’t done one damn bit of good yet.  The juggernaut is on its path of destruction and there’s no stopping us now!  The rolling stone is gathering mossy detritus from the acid rain!  Besides, it’s all those OTHERS who are doing this.  BLAME THEM!! It’s the masses!  It’s that chemistry guy! HE DID IT!!  With his junior chemistry set!

Anyway, I might reproduce after all and bring a tiny toxic creature into the world.  You know, that sounds really horrible to say about my future child. Like…Baby I love you!  You toxic beautiful child!! I’m sorry mommy’s womb was bombed out and depleted!  I’m sorry mommy microwaved her food in plastic!  I’m sorry mommy had a BPA-infested water bottle! I’m sorry mommy ate foods that were sprayed with bug death-juice! I’m sorry mommy dipped herself in lotions, potions, perfumes and makeup every day and disrupted her hormones and thus led you into a life of mental instability and hormones that fail-to-launch! No really, my child is going to hate me when they finally read this. Baby, you’re just like mommy!  RADIOACTIVE!! and yes…awesome too.

Also, I need to get on the horn and ask John Mayer to serenade me with my new song.  He’ll say:

“Your body is a polluted foul wasteland! Your mind is sick and depraved!

Here we go Johnny!~:

One electron to every atom of

Your skin, like glowing green radioactive formaldehyde,

One pair of triclosan and coal tar filled lips

your oxybenzone sodium lauryl sulfate tongue

Your Body is a polluted bombed out wasteland!

*****

It’s so beautiful and yes…kind of sexy, ain’t it? Ready…set…Let’s procreate!

P.S. check out the other FUNNY BLOG FRIDAY FUNNY PEOPLE!!!

 

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

14 Comments on My Body is a Polluted Bombed Out Wasteland

  1. I say you are doing your future spawn a favor by conceiving them in a uterine petri dish! All my organic loving, antibacterial friends have kids who are constantly sick. I let my kids get dirty constantly and they barely catch colds. Cockroaches evolved to adapt to a polluted society. We should too!

    Like

  2. I want to play too… I have a post… it doesn’t even have words… so can I just paste that FBF thing right in my title?

    Like

  3. And good post… I had to become toxic the old fashioned way… post birth… by growing up near Berkeley in the 60s and 70s… man, that took commitment… now help me get my DICK post up in this bad mo fo…

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  4. aladywrites4u // February 27, 2015 at 4:45 pm // Reply

    We live in a closed system, everything in this system is natural to this system. We can not create we can only transform. Sooooo everything is in fact “all natural”… LOL go procreate!

    Like

  5. which FBF page do I link to… I did all the other links and put in a banner…

    Like

  6. Well, my womb was pretty darn toxic – I took Paxil with one kid and Zoloft with another and so far they’re just fine other than being obnoxious as hell. Which is supposedly normal. You might want a cat. But seriously, I don’t let myself be afraid of all that outside stuff. I’m very selfish and only care about my own getting through the day so – I think I might be one of the polluters. Pollute rhymes with toot. I’m on new meds. That’s my excuse.

    Liked by 1 person

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