Sarcasm Central

A Slip and Fall on Snow and Ice

Sometimes I can be really graceful, much like a figure skater floating and gliding over the ice in a blowy sea green monstrosity.  Can you imagine it now, as I ran to my car on a rainy night that was unfortunately hiding nasty tricksy invisible ice?  It was a glory to be seen!  The judges all gave me 10’s!!!  My form was beautiful, my leap imaginative.  I was soaring, soaring through the air!!!  So glorious!!! and FREE!!  Falling is awesome guys, especially when you get all old, like me.

Soooo coordinated and graceful! Look at the Triple Axle at the end! I give her a 10.

It all happened so fast, I didn’t have a moment’s notice. Someone should have given me notice! I should have been served PAPERS! It should have been penciled into my schedule! Of course, it was also idiotic to an extreme only achievable by me.  I knew it was potentially icy.  I knew it had been icy previously that night.  But did I think for one solid minute?  Of course not!  Thinking is not something I’m overly familiar with particularly for as long as a minute! That’s a long ass time! and so…I ran!!

It was raining!  I was holding things that I didn’t want to get wet!  I needed to get into the car ASAP!  And then, before I knew what was happening, I was on the ground, in the rain.  BOOM! Right on the shoulder, no time for calm rational thoughts such as, “Oh shit, this is gonna suck!” or “Let me put out my hands to break my nasty fall.” There were NO thoughts! I know that’s not news to you guys, there are often no thoughts here. But still, I feel the need to reiterate, that there were no THOUGHTS involved in the entire situation!!! My brain was empty!

Afterward, I got up and popped into the car as fast as possible.  I was okay, I felt okay.  I didn’t die.  I did feel like a solid idiot. It’s like how when you watch someone fall and you almost want to laugh, but then you can’t cause it looks painful and horrible.  I know that’s how the people watching were thinking of me. They totes wanted to laugh, but restrained themselves.

Later, however, the soreness was quite nice. This was nothing like that one time when I was kicking one of the cats toys on the slippery wood floor and my feet came out from under me and there was time for a thought of, “oh shit! This is gonna hurt!” as I came crashing down on my backside. But I think the backside was made for these kinds of things. Mine at least, has been made for clumsy falls that echo throughout the house. However, it still hurt, despite the nice cushion.  Imagine when Kim K falls on her ass.  Doesn’t phase her, she probably bounces.

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About Victoria Sawyer (281 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

4 Comments on A Slip and Fall on Snow and Ice

  1. Bwahahaha! “She probably bounces…” Pretty sure that little tidbit was the highlight of my day…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If Kim K fell on her ass and there was no one there to hear it, would it make a sound?

    Liked by 1 person

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