Sarcasm Central

Braggadocious! Introducing: The Blog Brag

Has it ever occurred to you how braggy songs can be?  In particular hip hop songs are pretty damn braggy.  It makes me laugh cause when you hear a braggy, pompous, I’m awesome, Eat my #@$% song you’re all pumped up and like…HELL YEA!!!  PREACH!! You da Man!  And you don’t mind the bragging at all, in fact you like it and fully believe that person is as awesome as they say they are.

However, all that shit changes if the bragging is done in some other form of communication.  Then you get pissed off.  For example, if I were to write an extremely braggy blog post, you’d call bullshit and would hate me.  If I were to speak in conversation in the same braggy way rappers do, you’d want to punch me in the face.  On Facebook (so many people be spending g’s) you’d still want to punch me in the face but since you physically can’t, you just get pissed off and hate me deeply within your heart.  But in rap songs, it’s all good.  We love it.

I’m going to give you some examples of what I mean below because if I got this braggy and obnoxious, you’d either stop reading or try to find me and give me a piece of your mind/or fist. Perhaps the difference is MUSIC itself.  When you’re reading something, there’s no playlist to make it more awesome.  If you’re speaking there’s no music backing up your pimped out claims and somehow legitimizing them. Think about movies, whenever some character is strutting their stuff, it’s always to some kind of kick-ass music. The effect just isn’t the same when you’re just watching someone strut like an asshole, silently.  If there’s no music and someone’s strutting that person sucks and is an f’in jerkoff.

Okay, so first the song and it’s braggy-ass lyrics.  Then me bragging in writing.

That’s right, that’s what I look like when writing a blog post. Recognize blog haters!

Big Pimpin’

Shit I..
parts with nothin, y’all be frontin
Me give my heart to a woman?
Not for nothin, never happen
I’ll be forever mackin
Heart cold as assassins, I got no passion
I got no patience
And I hate waitin..
Hoe get yo’ ass in
And let’s RI-I-I-I-I-IDE..

Pimp that Blog! Beotch!

Shit, I’m partin with nothing, you Angst haters be frontin. I’d never give props to another blogger, not for nothing, never happen.  I gotta be forever mackin and tappin’ your readers.  My heart’s as cold as assassins cause I got no passion (for you sucka ass bloggers) and I definitely don’t have any patience.  I HATE FUCKING WAITING on BLOG STATS! So, blog hoe’s get your ass reading this shit and see me write, write, write, write, write, write.  Genius shit!

Go read a book you illiterate son of a bitch and step up yo’ vocab
Don’t be surprised if yo’ hoe step out with me
and you see us comin down on yo’ slab

Go read a book you illiterate son of a bitch and step up yo’vocab (this needs no changing, seriously you guys, STEP UP YO’ VOCAB! Stop reading 50 Shades of Grey and read a real ass book!).  Listen, don’t be surprised if your readers step out with me and you see us commenting down on my blog That’s right, WHAT!

Shhhhhhhhhhh…yeaaaaaa

Vicky, Make that money!

Iggy Iggy Iggy, can’t you see?
That everybody wanna put their hands on me
See I be on this money why your man on me?
And I need another hand with all these bandz on me

Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Can’t you see? That everybody wanna put their eyes on Angst?! See I be blog writing, while your man on me (clearly he boring!) and I need another hand to write with with all these bandz on me.

P-p-pussy power, pay me by the hour
I need me a Braveheart, can’t deal with a coward
I tell him if he ain’t ballin’, he should hit the showers
If I pick and you lucky, baby, there’s money ours

Ummm…yeah Pppp-POWER!! Pay me by the hour to read this shit!! I need me a braveheart reader, can’t deal with fucking profanity cowards.  I tell you, if you ain’t readin’ this dope shit, you should hit the mommy blogs, quick.  But if I pick you,  and you lucky, this blog (that makes no money) be ours!

I’m Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don’t matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They’re still gonna put pictures of my derriere in the magazine

I’m the loud-mouthed sarcastic blogging dream since I was 29.  Don’t matter if I step out on the WordPress scene, or sneak away and blog on a questionable rantin’ theme.  They’re still gonna put pictures of my Resting Bitch Face in a meme.

Me lose my touch, never that
If I did, ain’t no problem to get the gat
Where the true players at?
Throw your rollies in the sky
Wave em side to side and keep their hands high
While I give your girl the eye, player please

Me lose my touch, never that.  If I did, ain’t no problem to get negative in yo’ comments.  Where the true bloggers at? Throw your URL’s in the search bar, click um again and again and keep your mouse high, while I give your readers the sexy come-hither eye,  player please!

Kanye

I’m happy to be here, nope, I’m too cool for this shit.

We gotta step up the game with a little Kanye.  Who brags more than Kanye?

Bow in the presence of greatness
Cause right now thou has forsaken us
You should be honored by my lateness
That I would even show up to this fake shit.

Clearly you gotta bow in the presence of writing greatness.  Cause right now thou has forsaken Angst (WTF?! You dumbass!).  You should be fucking honored by my blog post lateness. That I even show up to this fake shit!

I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go
And I’m looking pretty hood in my pink Polo

I’m doing pretty damn good as far as geniuses go, and I’m looking pretty fly with my new blog logo.

*Drops Mike*cool photo for feature

Dopest Bloggin’ MC!!! Murda MURDA MURDA!! Fuck the FCC!

Now imagine you saw me on Facebook being like..I got 1400 followers bitches! My blog’s the funniest most sarcastic shit on the internet. The internet and everyone on it should be glad I even show up to this fake shit! They’re in the presence of fucking greatness. You other bloggers be frontin’ cause Angst is gonna straight up steal your readers and you’ll see them giving it up on my blog. Hell yea!

How bad do you want to punch me in the face now? If this was set to some dope sick beats, no probs. I’d be looking like a blogging god.  You’d forgive me all my asshole pompous shithead ways.  You’d call me a fly dope murda genius. You’d give me MAD props.

So if you could like go back and read this again with whatever song pumps you up in the background…that’d be great.  Ummm…okay..thanks!!

And now…

Don’t forget to CHECK OUT all the other dope fly murda rappers bloggers participating in FUNNY BLOG FRIZZDAY!!!

Please tell me you remember this ludicrous awesomeness.  Wow oh WOW!! The outfits are really too much.

 

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

6 Comments on Braggadocious! Introducing: The Blog Brag

  1. I love how the lyrics in Big Pimpin’ say to step up the vocab and read a book when nothing of what he said is an actual full cohesive thought. How ironic hahaha I love your take on the lyrics and blogging!

    Like

    • Ha! I know…he’s claiming to have excellent vocab…but I’m doubting it. However it works great for the blog…hoe’s STEP up YO VOCAB!! haaa. I can think of so many excellent examples of shitty-ass literature (not even worth of the name) that people read and actually enjoy. Then again, I’m a totally literature snob…so…well…still, fucking step up yo VOCAB!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh this is so great! You make such a good point. I listen to rappers all the time bragging about how great they are and don’t bat an eyelash, but if I did it, people would be out so fast. Maybe since I don’t like people anyways, I should just start writing like a rapper and annoy them. Great Post, Victoria!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ha! definitely you should come up with some dope beats that promote how awesome bitterness is. It’s a lifestyle afterall and with a few extra g’s and some bragging you could totally piss people off. It’s a plan!

      Like

  3. Ohhh shitttt… you might consider a career change cause those lyrics were dope haha

    Liked by 1 person

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