Sarcasm Central

Small Cat Diary

Mr. VS and I have been watching a show on Netflix entitled Big Cat Diary. It’s a BBC show with a few Brits who travel to Africa and film big cats doing their thang. I.e. hunting, killing shit, having adorbs kittens/cubs, murdering gazelles, fighting among themselves etc. It’s pretty good.  But it makes me want to become a film maker/documentarian who films a show called Small Cat Diary that follows the lives of small cats, i.e. house cats. It would be amazing and insightful! Thrilling television!

I want to study these cats and their interactions. Like… “On this episode of Small Cat Diary: Will the Gentleman soil the litre box yet again? Will Bitey, in fact, bite again? Will the cats finally become friends or will Bitey continue to hiss? Will this intrepid documentarian be able to find and read the secret diary of Bitey? The drama continues, Next!”


I’m king of the jungle, what of it?

I’d get to watch the cats from behind the couch while they interact!  Who would be the pride male?  Which cat would assert his dominance? The only sad thing is that there would be no kittens because Bitey and the Gentleman are boys…and ones that have been…fixed. So there wouldn’t be any lionesses, or cubs going around all adorbs (of course the kittens themselves (Bitey and Gentleman) are pretty adorbs all on their own.  As I say to Mr. VS, they’re big cats, just small! For which he says…that makes no F’in sense).

Also there aren’t really any predators or prey, well at least not in the winter.  In the summer the cats do seem to find things out of doors, such as bugs and mice.  For the winter, we’d have to film the cats “eating habits.”  Will the Gentleman gorge himself on the “wet” catfood, yet again?  Will the Gentleman meow longingly and pathetically to try to get his keepers to give him more of the delicious wet cat food? Will the Gentleman inadvertently through his own wildness lock himself in the bedroom again for an entire day? And then try to escape by frantically clawing the carpet to shreds? And then poop sadly in the corner?

Small Cat Diary with cat photoAlso we could film that one time that Bitey thought that an ant was his prey and he ate it and it got stuck in his mouth and then he drooled everywhere.  That would make spectacular TV.  Or we could watch the Gentleman toss his catnip mouse around the house, chasing it, nimbly bimbly in self-play.

We could also film the relationship between Bitey and his squid.  Do you remember how I sewed a kitten Bitey a red squid-like stuffed toy?  It was bigger than him when he was small, but now he’s bigger than his toy.  However, it’s like a kids blankie cause Bitey carries that ratty gross old thing all over the place and still plays with it.  A cat and his squid.  That could be an episode.

Or about how I had to patch the squid several times because Bitey constantly tries to rip the poor squid a new one and he wants to continue this life long friendship despite the Squid’s now disgusting appearance. Bitey is not judgmental about these things. Also he does try to kill, maim, destroy, kick, bite the squid on a regular basis, but the squid seems to be okay with that (abusive relationship? Maybe).  The squid is probably cool with it because Bitey takes the Squid around the house in his mouth and leaves him in different places (such as outside our bedroom door. The squid is his fresh kill, a la the lions).  So for the Squid, it’s travel. Seeing the world if you will.

I took the liberty of pointing out the bitey parts of Bitey in red as well as the addition of horns that are there in real just can't see them.  Also take note of the squid that I made that has already been repaired several times.

I took the liberty of pointing out the bitey parts of Bitey in red as well as the addition of horns that are there in real life…you just can’t see them. Also take note of the squid that I made that has already been repaired several times. (This is Bitey in his younger days.  Now he tops the scales at 15 pounds.  He’s a tank)

The documentary could also film how the cats have had an evolving relationship.  It started with Bitey being quite angry and enraged and hissy and hiding in the shower.  But now, BUT NOW!!  The cats are totes friends.  They hang out and even play together.  Sometimes Bitey still wants his “alone time” and wants to go outside by himself to get away from the wild Gentleman. But sometimes when they play WWE together, Bitey licks (kisses?) the Gentleman’s head AS he’s giving him the people’s elbow. (Do cat’s have elbows?) It’s totes adorbs.  The love and the hate at the same time.

We could also film how the Gentleman has a better tolerance for being messed with, i.e. petting, chucking under the chin, given the right ’round treatment (i.e. being spun around upon the wood floor), being hog tied, pet unnecessarily, tummy tickled, picked up, held like a baby, kissed, snuggled, etc.  Bitey on the other hand hates being messed with in any manner.  He will strike if you DARE to pet him when he’s not in the mood. HOW DARE YOU TOUCH HIM?!!! He will let you know when he can be touched! He will defend his territory to the DEATH!! And his territory is his own body! That’s all he has. (Sorry buddy.)

Black Cat, Bitey

HOW DARE YOU!! (PS Better start using that exercise ball you lazy slug!)

The Gentleman too, better watch it or else Bitey will now whap him about the head with his paw if he dares to get too close when Bitey isn’t in the mood.  STRIKE!!  WHAP!!  Boom!  POW!! It could be like an episode of the 1960’s Batman!  I could even show off my wounds from Bitey! I’m totally an tenacious keeper! BTW..The cats have been seen wrastling and giving one another bear hugs and bites on the face and kicks with their rabbit feet. I also saw them laying next to each other and Bitey’s feet were on the Gentleman’s head and his head was basically in Bitey’s nether-bits and bobs. BTW…the Gentleman (the tiger cat) who is significantly smaller than the 15 pound Bitey is totally the Dom.  He’s the Christian Grey to Bitey’s Anastasia.  AHAHA.

On the next episode of Small Cat Diary: Will Bitey continue to demand that he shall drink from the bathroom faucet instead of a bowl of water? Will the Gentleman run around like a maniac and insist upon having his toys thrown into the air by his keepers? Will the Keepers finally be able to put the TP on the TP holder in the bathroom or is the TP still in mortal danger from Bitey’s claws and teeth?

Will the cats continue to find the nip, rip open the package and eat it?  Will they continue to get drugged up and wild?

Will the kitten enclosure continue to be covered in pet hair? Will Bitey bite his keeper when she tries to disgorge him from the bedroom before bed?  Will Bitey continue to get mats in his long fur or will he finally decide to groom himself and give his keepers a break? Will the Gentleman meow adorably in the morning and cause his keepers to declare him to be the most precious and the cutest ever?

Will Bitey continue to demand serious love seshes with his tenacious keepers where he must be pet continuously while he kneads a soft blanket? Will the Gentleman again be seen waiting at the top of the stairs for Bitey to come up so he can attack him? Will the cats chase each other around the house at night whilst knocking things over and making loud sounds that frighten the sleeping documentarians? Will Bitey continue to disrespect phones, TV remote controlers, cat brushes etc by pushing them ever so slowly over the edge of the table with his paw, while watching to see the reaction of his keepers?

Will Bitey continue to get his kicks (and tiny yet thrilling electrical shocks) from biting electrical cords? Will the Gentleman learn to walk into the woods without fear and constant petrified meowing? Will spring ever come??? Will the Small Cats finally be able to roar meow loudly and expand their territory in the great outdoors? Find out, next!

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

5 Comments on Small Cat Diary

  1. I would totally watch that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 10/10 would watch.

    Liked by 1 person

3 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Make A Difference: Big Cats Initiative | Angst Anarchy
  2. Kids Go To Sleep: Cats Go Outside | Angst Anarchy
  3. Tears of a Kitten: A Heroic Cat Rescue – Angst Anarchy

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