I was driving home from work the other day when I started thinking about how shitty I’ve been feeling lately. And whenever I think about how shitty I feel, I think about how I want to “gift” that shitty feeling onto someone else. Like, here ya go, feel how I’m feeling. How does that terrible shit feel? You like it?! HUH!!??
That’s the kind of random rages I feel against nameless faceless people (or to be honest, my loved ones, sorry loved ones) that I want to feel and/or understand my pain. It’s poignant, right? Don’t you think?
However, you have absolutely no idea what it actually feels like to be that person, in their body/mind every day, so you spew forth unhelpful platitudes. So gifting it is like…welcome to my world motha-fuckas! Enjoy!! It’s both meant to be a learning experience/forced empathy and also a form of cruelty.
That’s one of the shitty things about being human, we are in separate entities, separate bodies. So we can’ understand exactly what each other is feeling (although honestly it’s probably all the same and we just can’t recognize it). For example, do I have a high pain threshold or a shitty one? I don’t know! I can’t know because I don’t know what the same pain would feel like for someone else. It’s all mine baby. All mine. I’m a lucky lucky girl to be burdened so. And like a nice girl, I want to share! I want to send the “Feeling Hellish” Fairy over to you to bring you into my world. You’re welcome!
It’s that a nice sentiment? Aren’t I kind and loving and sweet? I just wish that for a day I could bring you into my world and let you feel me. Could you handle the truth? Or would you cave like a baby? or would you, as comeuppance, tell me my life is pretty dank and sweet. Eh..maybe it is?! I need to be more goddamned positive. Anyway…back to the regularly scheduled negativity…
It’s easy for me to be like…I feel tired, my joints hurt, I’m anxious, I’m in pain and then go WAH WAH WAH like a big baby. That’s so easy. And people are just like…oh that sucks! Sorry!!! Moving on! Shut up! Stop complaining! You suck! And then they completely forget how I’m feeling because they only spent 2 seconds hearing about it and not hours and hours feeling it.
Then I’m like: I hate you. You don’t GET IT!! Damn you! I’m doing pretty good for all the shit I’m dealing with! I’m a fucking ROCK STAR! RECOGNIZE! (granted there are better rock stars than me who are dealing with WAAAAY worse shit and I get that. I think they should hire a hellish fairy too to grant “I feel shitty” wishes on all their friends and family who DON”T “get it.”)
You know what I just realized, this is just like that time I had a pity party for myself. Just like it. I’m just going about getting there via a different road. I want you to pity me and feel bad for me and sympathize with me. Actually, cut that, I want you to SUFFER just like ME!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!
How evil am I?
Truth is, I just want some empathy, like REAL empathy. It’s totally different to talk to someone who has experienced the same shitty things you have. They get it, they can commisserate with you. I love that! It’s really hard to convince someone else who has never even remotely felt the same things. Guys, how is it possible to BE human and NOT understand pain, negative feelings etc? How is it possible that there are people out there who still refuse to understand the human experience? Have they NEVER felt pain, anxiety, stigma, exclusion, aloneness, depression? Do they live some blessed life where they don’t actually feel anything negative?? ARE THESE PEOPLE REALLY HUMAN?!!! I don’t buy it!!
BUT YOU KNOW there are people out there who still hold negative feelings toward people not like them, people they assume are different or weird or strange. People…news flash…we’re all human and have the SAME feelings/experiences!!!
Eh…I realize, after reading this over that I might perhaps be slightly evil. Wishing bad things on other people is sad and mean. But sometimes I feel sad and mean and misunderstood. Besides how much better would we all be as people if we all experienced all the forms of suffering.
No wait… scratch that. There are certain things I really would rather not feel/experience because I have a very vivid imagination for what these terrible things would be like. Maybe this “hellish fairy” is a bad idea. Because people would totally gift me with shit that is WAYYY worse than what I’m dealing with. BASTARDS! I’m not looking to be humbled! I’m looking for REVENGE! That’s not why I invented the Hellish Fairy for you to be mean to ME! This is all about me, cause duh, it’s all about me all the time. I’m the only REAL person here people!!
Dude, share your shitty feelings. I want um all!
P.S. You know what I hate about writing blog posts, I forever feel the need to see both sides! Note the parts of this post where I was like…BUTTTTT. Damn it!! It ruins the effect when I’m like…But I get it…I get your side too and yours and yours and yours. I want to be a one-sided uncaring, un-understanding beotch and I fail. My imagination is too good. DAMN ME!!