Sarcasm Central


I’m a certified Germ-o-phobe and I will proclaim and admit all you like.  What I’ve realized recently about being a Germ-o is that it’s not really about the germs at all, it’s about my brain. I have to be a Germ-o to satisfy my brain, to basically convince my brain to keep quiet and stay down and not get excited and arouse attention. My brain is like some kind of hostage that must be kept quiet or else the cops will show up. Something like that. There will be NO SCREAMING! We DON’T want the cops to show up!!!  The cops = my obsessive compulsive worrying. Therefore we must do all kinds of ridiculous things in order to satisfy the brain that we don’t need to get worked up.  We can be calm. YES WE CAN!!! haaa.

I blame Mr. VS because I swear I never used to be so bad.  Or perhaps the cause was that I was young and threw caution to the wind!  I lived as if I didn’t care.  I said FUCK YOU germs!!  I laughed in the face of Germs! I dare you to infect me with your nastiness! Basically when you’re young, you really don’t give a shit and spend no time at all worrying about stuff, because you’re INVINCIBLE!!  Nothing can stop you.

Now that I’m older, I realize that germs can get me.  And this is Mr. VS’s fault because he trained me to wash before all meals.  (Not my whole body! Jeesh!! It’s not that bad.  Just the mitts)

You know what’s funny about germs is that it’s basically the same shit that people used to worry about in the olden days. Like remember how people used to think that night air, or fairies or witches or the devil would make them sick? Well, now we just call it germs.  Same thing though. Germs are these invisible things we can’t see that we know cause sickness. And we try to ward them off as best we can with hand washing etc. We use RITUALS to keep them away. The only difference is that we no longer associate the devil or God with germs. Germs are just their own entity of evil. And why, I ask, are they so evil and intent upon infecting us?  WHAT THE HELL DO THEY GET OUT OF IT?!  I still can’t figure it out!!

I guess they’re replicating or whatever, so having baby colds that are spread to other organisms?  Maybe? But why? What is a virus’ quality of life? WHAT ARE THEY GAINING?! Why not just give up, little virus? What’ve you got to live for?  Just to make some idiot  human get all snotty and sneezy?  Is that what gets you off? Ewww…germ reproductive sexy times are nasty.

ANYWAY…But now that I think of it, I think I prefer the old ways. I want to imagine that I am doing some kind of spell to keep myself from getting sick.  That seems more fun than realizing that I’m obsessively worrying over something that I really haven’t got much control over and that’s invisible to my naked eye.  I mean I try to have control, but who knows what good it’s doing. Really I’m sure that spells and incantations would be just as effective. At least as effective for convincing the BRAIN to stay quiet.  But of course, our brain knows better now because of SCIENCE, so we can’t really convince her otherwise. She’s enlightened and shit.

Speaking of germs, I’m weird about stuff.  Here’s how I’m weird:

  • I want my bed to be clean. That means no dirtiness/dirty things can dare to touch it.  It is a SACRED zone. Keep that NASTY ASS cell phone away from the sheets!  GAWD!!
  • I like laundry to be clean too.  Nothing should touch the floor.  I’m sure laundry is not really as clean as we think it is. Shhh!! Quiet! The brain can’t hear this or hell will break loose!!!
  • My hands must be clean to touch food.  Washing every bathroom break isn’t good enough cause as soon as you come out, you get dirty from touching everything else. And everything else is NASTY!
  • If the UPS guy forces me to touch his dirty signing device while I’m at lunch at my desk, heaven help him.  Not really, heaven help me because I must wash again to satisfy the BRAIN. (that sounds so ridic)
  • Some things I’m okay with being dirty.  Like my car, my hands all other times, my cell phone, etc.  Cause what can you do? There are times when you have to accept dirt and live within it.  But I realize that I’m dirty. I’m in a state of full body dirtiness so I must make sure never to touch my face with said dirty gross hands.
  • I’m obsessive about my mug at work. It must be cleaned before each use. GERMS!!  Same thing with my water bottle…but I only clean it once per week.  But I hear this is obsessive and other people don’t clean theirs so frequently. Gross, what about the smell?
  • If you saw my house, you would be like…you, a Germ-o-phobe?  AHAHAHAHA!!! NOT BUYING IT!!  Yes, the house is messy and dirty.  But it’s our own filth, so I allow it. The kitchen, watch out. It’s not really super sanitized.  But again, it’s just me and Mr. VS and I have to accept his filth too because we’re going to share germs. We’re like the same person. Luckily he’s just as anal about this shit as I am or else I’d have to hurt him and force him to my will.

AHAHA!! I need this.

So there are a few examples of how, mentally, I’m fucked up. Really, it’s true.  Maybe I’m all wrong, maybe I should let the dirtiness come in because then my immune system will be super strong, like a body builder?

But guys, the brain just won’t let things be, so if I touch my phone at night after I’ve come into the house and am officially “clean” I will worry about it because as you know, phones are dirtier than a public restroom.  So sometimes I use the old antibacterial wipes for the old phone, which I normally don’t use.  But how else can you clean a cell phone?  Soap and water?  Dishwasher?

So when I get home, I basically have to pass through a cleaning ritual to drive out the demons. Really it consists of just washing my hands of all the filth in the world before being allowed inside (I don’t actually do it outside). It’s almost like I go through what the CDC goes through when coming out of an infected area. I disinfect from the world. At least mentally, that’s how I’m imagining it. Plus the filth in the house is good, it’s keeping my immune system up, right? Maybe?

The lies we tell ourselves to stay sane!! AHAHAHAHA!!  It’s awesome. I freaking love it because you can make so much fun of it! You can really be snarky about yourself. AHAHAHA Victoria!!! Luckily, I’m sort of exaggerating here, I’m not really quite so obsessive about this stuff.  I do think about it, but I don’t get toooo crazy.

Finally…Why on earth does soap and water equal clean? I know it does, microbially, or whatever, but still..why that combo? Why not, like fine sand and beeswax?  WHY NOT?!

Fine..SCIENCE and shit. That’s why. That’s all I need to tell myself. SCIENCE!!  It doesn’t matter if I really understand WHY. Germs apparently don’t like soap, it murders them or something. So…ACCEPT IT!!  It’s the RIGHT spell to cast to keep the germs at bay. The warlocks or priests or something have approved this as the correct spell.  It’s in the holy texts! (Should I feel guilty for killing germs? Naw…I tried to encourage them to give up the game above, so really I’m no saint. DIE GERMS DIE!! Handwashing ritual murders you!)


About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on Germ-O-Phobe

  1. Annie Emmy Evans // April 28, 2015 at 10:51 am // Reply

    This is HILARIOUS. Mostly because I can totally relate. If I touch something I deem as “Germy” I swear I can literally FEEL the germs on me, and will not feel better about things until I can wash the stupid germs off. Plus, I’m a teacher… so it’s pretty much debilitating. We. Are. Freaks.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with Annie Evans above and share some of the same concerns you have about germs. (I’m also a teacher, so I refuse to let parents or students use “my” pens or other frequently-handled items.
    The people at CVS always look surprised that I sign for my prescriptions with my own pen, but how many sick people have picked up Rxs that day? Come on!

    Liked by 1 person

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