I stopped taking my anxiety meds and Birth control (obvi) for procreation reasons because I wanted my body to be less of a bombed out medicinal wasteland for you know…a possible pregnancy. I’m not actually happy about being off meds this time as I am realizing the drastic difference between medication and the lack there of. Basically medication makes life livable and without it, I’m starting to retreat from the battlefield of life. Yes, life is now a scary battlefield populated by monsters (yes, all of you terrifying people in the world).
Here’s a list of things that are better while off meds:
- I can sleep again, really well, like a freaking baby. It’s awesome (except that babies typically sleep shitty, so that analogy is useless and perhaps someday I’ll come to regret saying that when my baby is crying non-stop)
- I have volatile emotions again, which is good or bad depending on the day
- I lost a bit of weight (but I’m working on gaining it back through a strict regiment of chocolate and pizza).
Here’s a list of things that are worse while off meds:
- My anxiety is crawling up my leg with a knife between its teeth (Thank you Hunter S. Thompson)
- My mind is obsessing over worries that, while not exactly delusional, are a bit…unrealistic (For example, just last week I took on the heavy guilt of ALL OF HUMANITY, because I was so worried about us murdering our beautiful mother earth and all the inhabitants therein. Literally, I was guilty/depressed/upset for all of us for days. You’re welcome, you selfish bastards).
- I’m starting to avoid doing things/going places. Normal shit is becoming strange and scary because my mind decided to twist the situation all around, i.e. battlefield where there is none. People in the world are totes judging me! (Gives you the evil eye)
- Doctor’s appointments are a nightmare. Why must they make us wait in the waiting room for hours, giving me just the right amount of time to amp myself up into a frenzied crazy, yet smiling desperately, person? GET ME OUTTA HERE!!! NOW!!!
- Guys, procreation is scary as hell. ALL OF IT! I mean…except the fun part that the guys get to do. Why do women do it? WE HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK!!! It’s bullshit! I’m going to elect Mr. VS to be the bearer of our child cause I’m over it and I’m not even pregnant.
So, as you can see, I’m having a pretty good time with all of this. It’s like a party inside my head, what with the ruthless anxiety trying to murder me, the obsessive guilt over irrational things that are completely out of my control, the avoidance of fun stuff and yes, on top of it all, infertility treatments due to Endometriosis. I feel like I need to write a blog post entitled, Procreation is Hard. Because it IS!!
At least for me. As usual, the universe is like…Victoria NOTHING SHALL BE EASY FOR THEE!!! I always go about everything, intentionally or not, the absolute HARDEST way POSSIBLE. Life in general, I find to be hard to do. I feel like I could easily put life in the “Too Hard to Do” block. On an agenda of strategic goals, life is definitely placing high on the difficulty side of the scale.
Whatever, I’m probably going to implode before too long. Also since I have Endo and I’m off the BC pill, that makes the hell-beast that is my reproductive system come roaring back to life in all it’s crampy, ouchie, clawing glory, ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Not just during my “lady times.”
This is basically all I have going on in my life. I don’t even feel humorous about all this shit. I mean, other than calling you guys selfish bastards, which I do find quite funny. I think that’s the trick of being a really good blogger, you have to call your readers selfish bastards now and again over irrational crazy obsessive weird thoughts inside your OWN head. That’s classic.