Sarcasm Central

Faux-Celebrity News: I Discovered the Silver Lining

Disgraceful! Reprehensible! They’ve let themselves go!

Sometimes I peruse the old  Yahoo for some news. What I seem to get on the daily is stories about the Kardashians and then I begin to question what the hell is going on in this world?! Is it a slow news day? (Must be, the only other thing to write about is people dying of heat in India and people across the world dying in floods in Texas. Yeah…not much to write about.)

Do you think the K-Family is paying Yahoo to promote stories about them? It’s just kind of weird and suspect that the Kardashians have more bullshit stupid stories written about them than any other actual celebrity or faux-celebrity. It’s not like they decided to write this story about themselves, someone else actually had an a-ha moment and wrote this. It’s frankly really really weird and seems like some kind of conspiracy to shove them down our throats. (*Sobs* MAKE IT STOP!!!!)

Here’s today’s story:  Kanye West Sends Kim Kardashian Gushing Anniversary Twitter Message One Day Late

This is news. THIS IS NEWS?!?!  WHAT!!! Yes, this is something I’m going to be glad I clicked on, when on my death bed, reviewing my sad sorry life. When on my death bed, I’m going to be like…what the hell is happening to Kim and Kayne?!!?  I MUST KNOW!!! I don’t care about the bloody hand of death turning the doorknob to my room, I must find out if Kanye tweeted to Kim on their anniversary!!!! NOW!!!

Seriously though?  Really?  How can news agencies hold up their heads with trite shit like this?

BUT (And that’s a big BUTT) guys, don’t get too down and out because there was a treat in store for me yet! A glittery silver lining that made everything in the world all right, again.

As I looked over this truly shitty piece of news, I decided to open up the comments to see what gems could be mined from this sorry used up mine. And GEMS THERE WERE!! I fell into a dimond mine, guys! THE GEMS!! For realz, I was a gangsta rapper with the chains as soon as I fell into these internet gems.

Don’t ask me why. I don’t know why. Also Yahoo’s response to their story on KK.

It seemed as though there was some kind of conspiracy to shit on news stories about Kim and the conspiracy was this: Write something really weird and random in the comments and then if people enjoyed your weird random but awesome comment, they would borrow it and post it themselves, until the entire comment section consisted of weird little stories. Check out this gem:

“My pet rock died in my arms last night. He lived a long, and good life. Come bath time, he would like to run and hide under the bed. The back window of the car was his favorite place to ride. Everybody would wave at him. When we would pass a semi, he would try to get the driver to honk the horn. When we went swimming, he could stay underwater for a long time. He was really good at skipping atop of the water. One time he got so excited, and through the screen door he went. I forgave him for that. When I get home tonight, I’m going to put him in a box and bury him in the back yard next to my former boss. RIP Rocky”

I’d love to congratulate the guy who wrote this. Or gal. I want to shake their hand. They’re a national treasure. I’m just really that impressed. This comment was far far better than the entire article. This should be published in place of the article. This was actually entertaining.

Genius exists kids and it’s not any of the KK’s. However, they may be the unwitting and undeserving muse of this kind of internet hilarity. This is how “the people” take back their news from stupidity…yes with weirdness. It’s a hostile takeover, we want our news back and this is how we’ll do it.  I love it.  I want in on this movement. It’s so irreverent!

P.S. Someone else posted a recipe for Sponge Cake and got 65 thumbs up. THIS is where it’s at kids.

 

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

3 Comments on Faux-Celebrity News: I Discovered the Silver Lining

  1. The best part of reading the news is reading the comments. Some of them make me so angry, and some of them make me laugh so hard I may pee.

    Like

  2. So true. It should be titled “Puke Up the Kardashians”.

    Like

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