And thus, my dreams of procreation come crashing down!! No, seriously though, ummm…yeah I’m too anxious to do this whole “having a baby” deal, particularly with the added difficulty of infertility. So yeah…first off, there’s that, which in itself is pretty heartbreaking (I’m trying not to think about it) and then on top of that, now that I’ve been off meds for a few months, the anxiety has reared its ugly head and it is a VERY very ugly. It has a face only a mother could love, yeah a mother-fucka. And now that I’m “not doing this” with regards to procreation, I am officially back in the market for an anti-anxiety drug fix and it too is not pretty, at all. It’s hideous. The entire thing is ugly.
Over the weekend after a week of ultra-extravagant anxiety and tears, I attempted to get back on meds and I realized, again, that getting on meds sucks the big one. I remembered right away as I was UNABLE to sleep for an entire weekend, lying awake all night unable to karate kick my way through the invisible barrier between my exhausted mind and body and sleep. Sleep was unavailable and I was pissed, like when Netflix is unavailable. Try again later, yup, still unavailable. FUCKING WORK!! DAMN YOU!! Nope…
Then I recalled that last time I got on meds, which I chronicled on this here blog (in all it’s obsessive miserable glory and which I will attempt NOT to do again, however, just this ONCE, you’ll allow it, right?)… anyway (GOD!), last time it was 3 months of hell on earth misery of not sleeping. Also I had the DT’s, which is what I call the ticks, shivers and shakes I had while trying to sleep. Except, as I said before, it was actually RE-TOXING, not DE-TOXING. Plus even once I got on meds, sleep was not the same. It was shallow, like our friend KK, and I was constantly awoken by things like…a slight need to pee, or a slight sound in the house, or the very slight howlings of Bitey. Sleep was never something that I could fully enjoy and…imagine what years of being shallow
sleep does to a person? (Here’s looking at you faux-celebrities!) I.e. it can’t be good to never get deep sleep. It’s not natural.
So…after trying to get on meds for a few days, I stopped taking them because being in sleepless hell for 3 months is not my idea of a good time. Do you guys know how many times I’ve vilified and then put meds on a pedestal as a cure-all? It’s happened a lot, the back and forth, the merry-go-round. Around and around we go, and it never stops! It’s a hellish version of a child’s merry-go-round and I hate clowns. And…you know why? It’s because there’s no good answer. None of my options are clear cut. All options SUCK. And clowns are terrifying, with their fake smiles.
Friends, having anxiety is THE WORST EVER. It will destroy your life, such as: your relationships, friendships, procreation abilities, job opportunities, social obligations etc. It will murder all your hopes and dreams. It’s murdered mine, slayed each and every one!! My hopes and dreams were like mythical beasts, unicorns, fire breathing dragons and the heroic knight of anxiety slew them all, like a middle ages asshole. Anxiety is the plague of your dreams. Anxiety is a mass murderer with a penchant for destroying beautiful life opportunities.
Anyway, so, now I’m left figuring out what to do. I’m thinking about seeing a psychiatrist, for the first time. Also I’m considering this new genetic testing they can do that will determine which meds will work best for you. It helps to minimized the side effects and maximize the benefits. So maybe? However, I’m really feeling down on SSRI’s right now because they all mess with serotonin which is what regulates sleep, so all of them have some kind of sleep side-effect. Guys, I really really really fucking love sleep. It’s better than ANYTHING else, on earth. So I don’t really want to give that up.
Plus the lethargy!!! The meds made me ridiculously lazy this weekend. Prior to this weekend I had been doing things with Mr. VS, planting our garden (2 of them), doing stuff around the house and in general being really productive. As soon as I started taking those damn meds, my productivity took a huge nose dive and for the business that is my life, this is not good business. It’s bad business. All I wanted to do was nap and read a book on the couch. No wonder I have had no energy for exercise for the past few years.
As you can see, I’m not even touching on the fact that yes, I have pretty much accepted the fact that I cannot have kids because of my anxiety. I can’t even handle the doc appointments and associated business of fertility treatments, never mind the actual pregnancy bit for 9 months. Apparently many people actually have kids while on anxiety meds, however there aren’t any studies on whether it’s actually safe and mostly the docs don’t recommend it. Plus I know, for me, it would be just another thing to worry about, you know, health of the baby etc etc.
And… even on meds, I don’t do so hot with a lot of the stuff required. This kills me. I have this part of me that would love to have a child. There’s this part that feels like I’m going to miss out on the big emotional event of adulthood/life that so many people get to experience. At the same time, I’m so scared of everything involved that I’m happy to stop trying because deep down I know that I probably won’t fare well.
So there you have it. I’m obsessed with this right now. Which means it comes out in the blog. I do apologize. Hopefully regularly scheduled programming will commence shortly. Damn you Netflix! WORK!! PLAY!!
Also these memes just lightened my mood. You’ll need it if you actually slogged through the above depression-laced blog post. Trust me. Don’t turn to anti-depressants, that’ll just make you want to take a nap and then not allow you to sleep at night when you’re supposed to sleep. Society has decided that sleeping at night is what’s done, sleeping during the day, not done, you’re supposed to be working. Stupid anti-depressants. Clearly they didn’t get the memo.